In so many ways, life just seems messy lately. Messy, like not organized. Messy, like muddled. Messy, like filled with lots of random pieces that don’t fit together.
I have another cold, though to say “another” might imply that I was over the first round of sickness that started in early January. I wasn’t, not completely anyway. But for the past week, there’s been a resurgence of coughing, sore throat and stuffiness that I really just want to be done with. In addition, there has been exhaustion…because of the cold, because Ava wakes up a lot, because I’m in my third trimester and I can’t lay down for more than 6 hours or so without becoming really uncomfortable. So my energy and my motivation wane. My temper is short and my brain is foggy and my days become a mess. Over and over, I yell or I criticize or I’m just plain mean, and over and over again, I get convicted and I repent and I explain…not always, but a lot. Most days, I depend on schoolwork sort of just happening, with little guidance or oversight from me, and I have no real concept of where each subject is in relation to where it needs to be. I do know there is progress being made in most areas, and I am mostly okay just knowing that.
And, apart from the daily messes, there are all of the things that are up in the air right now…many with a deadline of 2.5 months, or less, from now when this baby is scheduled to arrive. Things like turning our currently unfinished “utility” room into a semi-functional guest room, finding a new vehicle, deciding on baby names…and really, the list could go on for a while.
Plus, there’s the difficult or unexpected circumstances of life that interrupt or bring confusion or just feel like there will never be resolution. Like the two cuts that Nathanael has on his face now because, twice this week, he was goofing around with his brother and things didn’t turn out well – which cause me panic and frustration and leave me wondering how I should react. And there’s the questions of why, or how, or for how long that surface time and time again as we consider things that just don’t work out the way we think they should. I like to have clear-cut answers, and sometimes they’re just not to be had. These messes aren’t necessarily meant to be made neat and tidy. I have a hard time with that, though.
So, in all of this, I find myself trying to see God’s hand. But, honestly, my soul seems pretty messy right now, too. Or, maybe, barren. It’s hard to tell at times. In either case, something seems to be keeping me from seeing Him clearly. Still, there is a verse that keeps repeating in the back of my mind through it all.
And which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature? If you then are not able to do the least, why are you anxious for the rest? —Luke 11:25-26
“not able to do the least” pretty much sums up my perception of my abilities to sort any of this out right now. I think, maybe, God is really trying to convince me that it’s not my abilities that matter, anyway. Shouldn’t I already know this by now?