There are a lot of things I’ve been thinking about, but can’t really devote a blog post to any of them…some because they’re not really complicated things, just things that come up a lot through the day, some because I haven’t fully worked out my thoughts on them, some because I struggle to find a biblical perspective that seems to match the reality of circumstance. But, I like to get my thoughts out in writing…it helps, somehow…so, here are some of those thoughts, incomplete and broken and boring though they may be.
:: Food. I think about it a lot. Partly because I’m pregnant, and food always plays a prominent role in my pregnancies…sometimes because of how sick it makes me, sometimes because of how much I need to consume to keep sickness at bay, sometimes because of heartburn or bloating or headaches that all somehow seem affected by what I eat. Then there’s the fact that I have three meals a day to prepare for my family. I also think of food a lot, though, because of the continuous stream of “eat this, don’t eat that” advice that’s out there, and constantly changing, as I strive to figure out healthy meals that can be made without breaking the bank, or requiring 50 gazillion hours and steps to make a reasonable side dish. Thoughts I land on? I could never be a vegetarian. I love soup. Dairy doesn’t help my heartburn (and neither does chocolate, by the way, but I keep trying it in the hopes of garnering different results). Moderation and variety matter more than restriction (though processed stuff is kept extremely limited). A belief that God made our bodies to be adaptable (to an extent) to what is available, and that He can keep us healthy even if we fail to come to the right conclusions about what is good or bad for us (at least, I really hope so, since what is considered healthy today is completely different than it was fifty years ago, and probably what it will be fifty years from now).
:: 8+ passenger vehicles. It is with dragging feet that we are searching for a replacement for our Sienna. Not that we love the minivan, but we definitely don’t love the thought of a vehicle with worse mileage, or the thought of having to go through the hassle of selling our vehicle, or the thought of quite possibly having to drive a fair distance to even be able to look at any potential vehicles. And then, there are the debates between different makes, cheaper versus fewer miles, SUV versus full-size van, something that will just fit versus something with room to grow. Being the analytical people that we are, these questions all make the process move forward at a snail’s pace. Time is running out, though. I’m kind of hoping for something to just fall into place.
:: Wondering, again, about what I can have faith for. With our recent bout of sickness (which has still not completely left), with a budget that – at best – has no wiggle room, with disappointments in a lot of the intangibles of life, I find myself questioning what exactly it is I can ask for, seek for, “knock” on the door for and trust that I will receive, find, and be given. I wonder why the Bible bothers to say “give and it shall be given” when it doesn’t always work out that way (and, sometimes, seemingly never does). I would have an easier time just accepting constant hardship if the Bible never made promises of something better for the here and now. It is a frustration for me, and leaves me feeling like God isn’t keeping His promises and that I need to just stop trusting Him for anything. This is one of those areas where I don’t know how to reconcile belief and circumstance.
:: Homeschooling, and what it’s all for. I am not an organized person. I don’t do well at planning, or follow-through. A lot gets missed in my efforts to teach my kids. And I often panic a little that their lives will be ruined because I’m not doing a good enough job. But then I am reminded that the goal of it all is not a perfect education, nor even a love for learning or a strong work ethic. The goal is a love for the Lord and the equipping to passionately and fearlessly pursue whatever He calls them to in life. Not that this goal seems easier, necessarily, but it relieves the burden, in a way. Because my role in it is so much smaller, so much more about submission and obedience and seeking His face than about following a checklist. I know there are other important things to teach, but nothing else can really be a priority.
Lots of other things, too, I’m sure. Equally fascinating. But for now, I’m done.