I’d like to pretend that I’m strong enough, that these days haven’t shaken me, that I feel the comfort of an unwavering foundation under my feet. But the truth is, I feel like I’m suffocating. I thought maybe we were going to have a reprieve, you know? I thought maybe the past couple years, with their soul-crushing and faith-testing and hope-breaking, were enough for God to bring us into a better season. Apparently what I thought was winter before really wasn’t at all, though. ‘Cause this? This is beyond words in its hurt and its devastation. This has me looking at homeschooling laws in Montana and thinking about leaving. Not dreaming. Really, seriously thinking about calling it quits here because I’ve completely lost hope. I’m not sure where God is or what He’s doing or how we’re supposed to trust Him.
But I’m not a quitter.
My heart is in tatters and there is a sob perpetually caught in my throat and I kind of wish I could yell and scream and, honestly, get in some knock-down, drag-out fights just because I don’t know how to handle the pain and the injustice and the confusion of it all. My emotions are raw and my defensive nature wants to make sure this can never, ever happen again. My prayers are weak and desperate.
But I choose to believe His Word.
I choose to stand on what I know is true. I choose to count as loss what I had once thought gain, that I might gain Christ and be found in Him. I wish I could be found in Him as a brave spiritual warrior instead of a weary, wounded child…but it’s enough to just be where He is, however I make it there.