Right now, I am trying to work up motivation to go shopping.  And actually, it isn’t the shopping itself that has me hesitating, it’s that I have to drive to get there.  I’m tired, today.  Tired to the point that at 10:45 in the morning, it hurts to keep my eyes open.  And though I don’t have a problem staying awake while driving, I do have a problem staying focused enough to really feel safe.  It’s almost comical, how I drive when I am tired.  I have the hardest time maintaining any kind of constant speed, the car manages to find it’s way onto the shoulder of the road as though I had no choice in the matter, I don’t notice speed limit changes that I otherwise remember without even seeing a sign, and my ability to gauge how long it will take me to brake becomes somewhat impaired.  Maybe this doesn’t sound awful…I know a couple people who just naturally drive like this…but when it happens to me, I get kind of scared, ’cause it isn’t the norm.  Even more so when I have my kids with me.  So, I’m hesitating.  I drank a cup of coffee, but it doesn’t seem to be waking me up at all.  I would nap, but inability to get comfortable enough to sleep is a big part of the reason I am so tired to begin with.  Writing a fluffy blog post hasn’t awakened me any more, either (I didn’t really think it would).  Oh well.  It’s not like we’re gonna starve if shopping doesn’t happen today, right?  Right.

Today, Tim turns 34.  I know, he’s old ;).  But I am thankful for those 34 years that have helped shaped the person he is.  I am thankful for the 12 of those years I have been able to celebrate with him.  And I look forward to celebrating many dozens more.  He is kind of special to me, after all.

This morning was difficult.  I woke up with a headache, which prompted some early-morning throwing-up.  After everyone was showered and dressed, during breakfast, Elijah was complaining that his mouth hurt and proceeded to make some coughing sounds like he was going to throw up.  Then at the end of breakfast, maybe ten minutes before we planned to leave for church, he actually did throw up.

Normally, I am not one to use illness as a reason for missing church, but when the illness has the potential to make a big mess and cause distraction for others…and when I am really not feeling well myself…I tend to think staying home is justified.  And that is what I was advocating this morning.  Tim’s view, though, was that God could and should heal the tummy bug and staying away from church was like letting the enemy have his way.  In theory, I tend to believe the same…but, in practice? my faith falters a bit and I wonder what is really best.

Tim decided we were going, though, so we went.  And just as we parked the car, Elijah threw-up again.  I was pretty convinced that church was just a bad idea…and offered to drop the rest of them off and come back to pick them up when church was done.  And, like I said, I’m not prone to wanting to miss church for just anything.  I was convinced it was going to turn out badly.  Even so, Tim had me take the other kids into church while he cleaned Elijah up and decided what to do.  So, in I went and when Tim and Elijah joined us a few minutes later, I was a bit tense about the whole thing.  But, you know what?  Even with jumping and climbing and throwing himself around, Elijah gave not even a hint of an upset stomach.  He napped for part of the service, and when we got home, he devoured his lunch.  In the time it took to decide to bring him into church instead of heading home, he went from throwing up to totally fine.

While I have many questions regarding healing and how God answers prayer, I at least have to admit to my own readiness to give-in to illness and conventional wisdom at the moment push comes to shove.  But what is faith if not being able to look at circumstances that seem hopeless, and still trust that God is bigger?…to be able to walk into church and believe that God heard a prayer to heal an upset stomach?  It seems so simple, but it really defies logic.  I worry that somebody will find out that we brought our sick-but-with-something-that-will-eventually-go-away-without-“healing” child into church and think that we’re horrible, careless parents…that nobody will understand why we think we should be able to expect healing for something so “normal”.

Obviously, I even wonder if I should be able to expect that, sometimes.  Today, though, I was challenged to believe God for more.  I don’t want to limit Him.  I want to be able to defy logic, stand in faith, and let God show Himself strong.  I kind of think He’s wanting that, too.

Some days are just hard.  Some weeks are hard.  Today is a hard day, capping off a week of hard days.  A week of a hurting neck and back, a sliced finger, a perpetually “off” stomach, a forgetting of my parents’ anniversary (something I have never done and which I didn’t realize until 3 days late), and really poor sleep.  And today, bad attitudes abound, I am exhausted and, for some reason, just want to cry (which, I guess isn’t such a big deal since I cry at everything these days).  I know it is all nothing earth-shattering, but I sometimes think I could handle earth-shattering better than the straws that break the camel’s back.

But I didn’t start writing to complain.  I really didn’t.  What I wanted to say is that these past few days, I have felt God challenging me to see things differently – to realize that bad days happen, yet even so, an eternity of joy and peace and rest is secure for me.  I sometimes feel like I need to find a way to make the “good” aspects of a day outweigh the “bad”, when the reality is that trying to build a case for contentment or thankfulness out of the temporal things of life, whether good or bad, shifts my perspective off eternity.  But when I can see that none of this stuff changes the finished work of the Cross, I can learn to rest in the constancy and truth of God’s sovereignty and promise to work everything for good in my life.  He’s not thrown off by my bad days – so I shouldn’t be thrown off either.

And in learning to accept that the bad stuff won’t be my undoing, it is easier to then take the good for what it is – good things, blessings, that I can be grateful for without first stacking them up against the bad to see which outweighs the other.  So, on that note, some of the good things from this week…

…the discovery of pumpkin and tomato plants growing in our compost, which is particularly happy for me since the tomatoes plants are almost as big as I would be able to buy at the local nursery, so if my tomatoes from seed fail, I shouldn’t be left tomato-less…which I’m sure God knows would make me really disappointed.

…curriculum decisions made and materials ordered.  A big relief.

…the three day weekend ahead, and Tim’s birthday next week.

…the motivation to make a [small] dent in weeding the garden, even in spite of my sore neck and back.

…my husband (as always) who has taken over dish duty until my sliced thumb is healed enough to take over again.

…open windows and fresh air.

…pretty weeds that are nicely suited for warm-weather bouquets.

…children who are slowly starting to show signs of compassion and thoughtfulness, which I can only attribute to God’s grace, since they would be hard-pressed to learn such things from me.

…a growing baby who is making his/her presence known more and more these days.

All good things that require no comparisons to be deemed good.  I’m slowly learning.

You come to me, with burdens bare

heart weighed down and bitter words.

You tell me all, soul’s depth you share

but merely feign to call me Lord.

Whose words has your heart treasured so?

Whose whispered leadings bind?

When trials come and storm winds blow

where do you solace find?

I’ve promised grace, and strength each day

– My perfect love that never fails.

Yet, still you turn your face away

when common cares of life assail.

Do you not know?  Have you not heard?

I alone am God above.

I understand your every fear

and won’t grow weary in My love.

Know My voice and follow Me

– your burdens I will gladly bear.

Just let your heart be mine alone

and trust to Me your every care.

In case anyone is interested…and maybe a little for me so I can see it organized…here are my curriculum choices for the coming school year.  Caedmon will be in 3rd grade, Bethany will be in 1st and Nathanael will be in Kindergarten.  With the coming of a new baby in September, I [mostly] looked for materials that could cover all three kids at once, or that could be done independently of me.

History

Beautiful Feet Early American History – I wanted something covering American History that I could do with all three kids for the coming school year.  I probably could have managed this by continuing with Sonlight, but honestly, I didn’t want as much material as Sonlight includes.  And, for now, my goal is to take the full school year to do half of the curriculum, adding in “extras” for Caedmon if it seems too slow.

Science

God’s Design for Science by AiG – I’m going to order the full set, which (assuming I like it) will mean I can use it for the next four years, at least.  Again, all three kids can do the same curriculum, with different “levels” of information for different grades…and it is rather inexpensive for the flexibility it offers.  I haven’t decided which topic we will start with, though.

Language Arts

Caedmon – Bob Jones English 3 and Wordly Wise 3000, grade 4.  The Bob Jones curriculum seems fairly thorough, and I think will allow for a lot of independent work.  I will use Wordly Wise for vocab and spelling, and, again, I think Caedmon will be able to tackle much of it on his own.  I will put together a list of independent reading for him from suggestions in the history curriculum, and by perusing Sonlight’s reading list.

Bethany – First Language Lessons for the Well-Trained Mind, Level 1.  I really have no idea what this is like, but I’m just hoping for something basic to get the ball rolling on grammar with her.  I plan to copy some online spelling lists for her to use and have her read some of the simpler books from Sonlight’s second grade readers (which Caedmon used 2 years ago).  I also hope to pick some books from the Honey for a Child’s Heart reading list for her.

Nathanael – The Reading Lesson.  I used this with Caedmon and Bethany…well, I guess more with Bethany, since Caedmon finished it in about 2 weeks.  But, anyway, it seems to work.  I may also add in an Explode the Code book to reinforce concepts and give him something that he can work on independently.  I will probably also try to read at least some of the Thornton Burgess books that I used with the kindergarten curriculum for the other two.

Math

Caedmon – Saxon Math 5/4.  Even though I am sticking with Saxon, this was a tough decision for me.  I was leaning heavily toward Teaching Textbooks, and while I’m certain he would enjoy it, I was concerned about whether it would be at all challenging for Caedmon.  I was not thrilled with the thought of another year of Saxon, but with a different format for the higher grades, it seems a little less tedious while still being thorough and somewhat challenging.  Given the ease with which Caedmon grasps math concepts, I feel this is necessary to keep him learning for the full school year.

Bethany – Saxon Math 2.  Again, I didn’t really want to go with Saxon, and in all honesty, I may end up changing my mind if it doesn’t go well, but the cost (since I already have the lesson book) was low, so it’s not much risk.  I think the repetition and lack of colorful pictures may be best for Bethany to be able to focus on the concepts and get them really ingrained in her mind.

Nathanael – Singapore Math 1A/1B.  I have a love/hate attitude toward Singapore Math.  It is not how I would choose to teach concepts, but it seems to be working for my kids (for the most part).  There’s a good amount of independent work and it isn’t extremely time-consuming, so I’m going with it again.

Art/Music

Caedmon’s continuing piano lessons.  All three kids will be in CFA’s Friday Enrichment Program.  We sing together as a family (probably not something anyone outside our family would want to hear, however…).  I might decide to get a drawing skills book or an art appreciation book, but I think I will mostly try to find drawing / craft projects to do that correspond to the history curriculum.

Bible

The history curriculum has some Bible incorporated in, but each child will also have their own devotional time in the morning, and we will do family devotionals with a book on God’s names…I have no idea what this is like, but we will see.  I will also do memory verses with each child…I’m not sure what my approach to this will be yet.

And that’s it.  A bit haphazard, but it’s something, right?

As I lay in bed this morning, on my back (because it is still most comfortable for me, even in my pregnant state), I reached my hands up to my face (I don’t really know why…I was only barely awake) and when I did, I felt something in my back (neck?) crack. Not like the good, something-was-out-of-place-and-now-it’s-fixed kind of crack, but something that has left me with an incredibly stiff neck and the inability to move it without significant pain.

So, despite the necessity I felt that today needed to be productive, it hasn’t been.  I’m sitting, trying to find little things I can do without moving my back and neck at all, but honestly, it’s not working out so well.  For some reason – and maybe this is true for most people – pain significantly affects my brain functioning.  Writing a meal plan for next week took me somewhere around an hour to accomplish.  Trying to think of a reasonable schedule for these next several weeks of summer was less than successful.

I find, instead, the need for distraction.  I did successfully read a few chapters in Mere Christianity, and I did successfully watch a couple episodes of “Throwdown with Bobby Flay”.  Clearly, my successes for the day aren’t much of accomplishments.  I’ve had to remind myself that it’s okay – that God doesn’t love me more if my floors are vacuumed, and that it doesn’t mean I’m failing if my days don’t look like someone else’s.

Something in me grates against this reasoning, though.  It sounds too much like an excuse for laziness (something I definitely don’t need).  But I am trying to really figure out what God’s expectations of me are, and while I know there is value in hard work, discipline, and biting the bullet to do what needs doing no matter what, I’m finding that I first need to do so with the right heart.  I need to know that God’s grace is available and necessary whether I am weak and inadequate, or on top of everything that needs doing.  I need to know that my efforts can’t and won’t make me “worth” more or less in light of eternity.  I need to acknowledge that there are failings in me that are far more significant, and deserve and require much more attention than my housework motivation issues.  And I need to be able to see that I am fearfully and wonderfully made by the hand of a gracious God, who knew that the withholding of certain gifts and talents from me was just as much for my good as the bestowing of other gifts…and He has a purpose for the person He made me to be.

So, it’s fairly certain that my house won’t be clean at the end of the day, and my odds-and-ends “sitting” tasks may not have a significant dent in them, but I will still be redeemed, and accepted, and chosen, and loved by my Lord.  I need to know that.

There are some sin issues in life that I have a hard time owning up to.  I don’t know exactly why, but there is a certain pride in me that shows up when I have to face them.  The past few days, and in church this morning, I have been faced with some of those sins – jealousy, self-centeredness, selfishness, and covetousness.

It hurts a little to even write it, I think maybe because it pulls at the roots of something that is pretty firmly established in my heart.  These things have been there…well, for as long as I can remember.  And I’ve known about them, I’ve acknowledged them to myself….but that acknowledgement usually comes with a host of excuses, and a subsequent dismissal of them as being something I don’t need to deal with.  Brilliant, huh? The reality is that they are ugly, unacceptable sins that I need to not be okay with.

However, that’s much easier said than done, I’ve learned.  Because I’m not prone to these sins for no reason.  There is, in fact, one thing that always comes up along with each of these sinful attitudes.  It is probably the biggest struggle I have had in my Christian walk, and it is such a basic thing that I don’t know why it still throws me for a loop.  It is this: there is a significant part of me that just doesn’t believe God loves me.  So when I see someone else with good things (material, spiritual, relational, etc) and I just can’t see anything good in me or in my life, it makes me more convinced that I just don’t matter to God.

I’m sure that sounds ridiculous.  Knowing God loves you is, like, Christianity 101.  And though I have moments of really believing that He loves me, my heart becomes convinced far too easily of the lie that He doesn’t.  I don’t know why this is such a stronghold in my life.  And I don’t know how to really get past it.  I just know that, somehow, I need to figure it out.

On May 13, 2000, I got married…to a man I once thought I would never even consider who had somehow become my very best friend.  Always the idealist (not to be confused with optimist), I had little notion of the challenges that married life would hold.  Mostly, I have realized over and over again just how undeserving I am of the man I married.

Obviously, I’ve had moments when I’ve had to remind myself that I married a fallible, prone-to-some-weakness human being, but my “moments” are much more likely to be of the how-could-he-possibly-love-me-still-after-seeing-me-like-that?!?!? variety.  Moments I never really thought possible, because I was completely ignorant to the selfishness and sin that resided (and still reside) in my heart.  Marriage has held a mirror up to the worst parts of me and driven me to the cross and brought me to a deeper understanding of grace than I think I could have ever had on my own.

And I’ve said it before, but I am constantly amazed at the love my husband shows me…enduring, forgiving, gracious, patient, extravagant love.  God has used him as a tangible example to me of Christ’s love for the church…of sacrificial love, of laying down one’s life for another.  I can’t adequately express what my husband means to me, how much I love him, or how humbled I am to this day that he sees something in me worth loving.  He is the best.  And I am so thankful for him.

Let me start off by saying that I’m not really a “natural” at the homeschooling thing.  It is tough for me.  I’ve never loved learning (gasp!)…at least not in the ways I was mostly taught (public school, college, forced learning about other things that I just truly needed to know about but had no good resources for information).  I HATE school projects / activities of almost any kind.  I have a really hard time seeing the “educational” value in something if there isn’t actual, tangible value also there.  So, most projects for children are nothing short of really annoying for me.  Add to all that the fact that I am incredibly lazy, and indecisive, and analytical, and lacking in self-confidence…and you have someone who is just not “cut-out” for homeschooling.

Thankfully, I have really bright kids (totally not bragging here, they just really are), so I skate by with minimal effort.  Seriously.  Like, Caedmon taught himself math this year, and I only know that to be true because I occasionally correct a big pile of worksheets he’s finished and realize, “wow, he actually understands this stuff”.  And Bethany has a fantastic memory (when she is paying enough attention to actually hear what’s being said).  I am extremely grateful for God’s mercy in my weaknesses in this particular area of life.

Even so, when this time of year comes around (aka – curriculum decision time), I panic a little bit.  I have spent many hours researching options for the next school year, and you know what I have figured out?  That I am pretty clueless as to what I want to do.  It’s not even that I just have a couple great options that I hate to have to narrow down – it’s that I can’t even decide what approach I want to take.

A part of me loves textbooks and worksheets and tests – go ahead, call me weird, but I love the structure, the clarity, the consistency of such things and I always have.  Even when I was in school, I would rather sit down and take a test for the whole class time than venture outside to find bugs and examine plants, or spend the time listening to someone read me a story.  And though it’s not a popular opinion, I do see value in this type of education.

However, while I don’t think my kids are horribly averse to some of this type of learning, they are also kids who spend their play-time outside looking under rocks for worms, and catching dragonflies, and watching over unhatched bird-eggs, and just generally wanting to explore their surroundings (things I don’t recall ever wanting to do).  I feel like I would be doing them a disservice to try to make them fit the mold of what I’m comfortable with.  But, can I just say again that I really don’t like educational “activities”…especially when it means that I have to organize and ask questions and, well, honestly…think?

So, I am stuck on what to teach, how to teach, how much to teach next year.  I know a lot of people benefit from discussion with other homeschooling moms, but I don’t.  Firstly, I am just not like most of the other moms I know when it comes to this stuff…so how they perceive a particular curriculum is often not how I would.  And secondly, I am an experiential learner.  Something can sound like the most wonderful thing in the world to me, but it may end up being one of the worst things when I try putting it into practice.  Or something that sounds boring or difficult may end up being exactly what I needed.  And I just don’t know until I try it for myself.

I’m trying – really, really trying – to not feel discouraged or incompetent or hopeless when I hear about other moms “perfect” curriculum plans for next year (’cause, somehow, they do always seem perfect).  I’m trying to persuade myself that it’s okay for me to be different, for my kids to be different, and even for me to mess it all up every once in a while.  I’ll have a 3rd grader, a 1st grader and a kindergartner next year, and if you asked me what I remember learning in those grades, I would probably say “nothing”.  So, I’ve concluded that whether the direction I go is perfect or a big disaster, it will likely not ruin my kids’ education in the long run.

At least, that’s what I’m gonna tell myself.