A birthday

Today, Tim is 35.  He’s the best of the best.  Case in point?  We had a basic plan for today…simple, easy, low-stress.  But my closest friend called to tell me that her older brother died.  So we will be leaving this afternoon to be with her for a couple days.  And Tim has gone out of his way to make it so, because he knows it matters to me.  What’s more, I never had any doubt that he would.  How I got blessed with such an amazing man to spend my life with is beyond me, but I am so, so thankful for him.

Rain

There are few things that make me feel like a kid.  I am not often very child-like.  But thunderstorms are one of the rare exceptions.  I love them.  They remind me of my childhood when pouring rain was a drop-everything excuse to run outside, rather than inside.

It occurred to me today, as Caedmon’s baseball game was called because of the weather, that it may have confused some of the people who were [reasonably] rushing to their vehicles to see someone standing with five kids, unconcerned by the rain and wind.  I was waiting as Tim helped pick up the bats and helmets and such, and it honestly didn’t occur to me that I should be bothered by the weather.  I realized, though, that it was probably a bad-wife moment upon seeing how not-excited Tim was about standing in the rain while we got kids and ‘stuff’ into the van…something I could have done instead of waiting for him.

Luckily for me, while Tim does not share my love of rain, he knows how happy it makes me, and was quick to forgive my oversight.  And he lets me encourage our children to join in my excitement.  We got home and while I stood in the rain…probably with a ridiculously huge smile on my face the whole time…my kids rain around, just as giddy as me at getting thoroughly drenched.  Tim even came outside with Ava for a couple minutes…and if her smile was any indication, I think she will soon be a happy adherent to the lets-go-outside-because-it’s-pouring way of thinking.

And maybe, years from now, my kids will be thirty-somethings elatedly standing in the rain with their own little ones running around.  I guess it probably seems silly, but that thought makes me happy.

To see Him

My constant prayer lately is that I would see God clearly.  Life can make that hard sometimes.  Really, life can make that hard just about anytime, but I guess maybe I just realize it more when the disparity between seeing Him and not seeing Him is greater.  Too often, I look to circumstances and people for answers, for hope, for whatever it is I think I need.

But, as He is wont to do when there is a lesson I need to learn, God has been bombarding me with the truth that seeing Him changes everything.  When I am prone to hopelessness, or bitterness, or fear, or discouragement, fixing my gaze on His face brings things into perspective.  I find that He is my sufficiency, and I don’t have to try to make anything else enough.  I am reminded anew of the grace and forgiveness and love that He has poured out to me in my most undeserving moments, and I recognize my need do the same for others.  I become overwhelmed by His greatness and His goodness to me, and fear melts away while hope is restored.

With such life to be found in His presence, it might seem bewildering that my gaze should be so easily drawn away, but it is.  Maybe it’s selfishness, maybe it’s wanting to be in control, maybe it’s a belief that my emotions can be trusted…probably different things at different times.  Whatever the case, though, it means that I need continual correction.  So, I pray.  And I am thankful that He faithfully draws my eyes back to Him.

Thirteen years

The past few weeks I have been relying on Tim more than usual.  I’ve not been feeling well and Ava hasn’t been sleeping well and so this ‘weaker vessel’ has needed to be held up by stronger hands.  In all honesty, I wish it weren’t so.  I’d like to be able to say that my strength and motivation never fail me, and that our home and family run like a well-oiled machine.  My reality, however, is filled with brokenness and weariness and insufficiency.  And while, ultimately, God is the source of everything good that I need, that provision comes often through my husband.

Thirteen years ago, I didn’t really have any idea what a God-honoring marriage was supposed to look like, and I don’t think Tim did, either.  What I have learned is so much more than I can write in a blog post, but one of the biggest things is this: my husband consistently lays down his life for me, in spite of – and often because of – my failings.  I know I have said it before, but it is worth repeating: he is the best earthly example I could have of Christ’s sacrificial love.

And God designed it to be so.

It is a simple, biblical truth that I would never have understood without walking it out with my husband.  There are a lot of things about these past thirteen years that I am thankful for, but I think the very best thing will always be the way God has used my husband and our life together to help me see Him more clearly.  What an amazing gift marriage is!  What a creative God, to give us this tangible example of His extravagant love.  I am so, so blessed.

Why did I bother?

I went to the doctor yesterday for the first time in over seven years…well, except for pregnancy-related visits.  I’ve had a sore throat for almost three weeks.  I thought going to the doctor would help somehow – give me a better idea of what was wrong or maybe tell me what I could do when my throat is so swollen in the middle of the night that I can barely swallow.  So, after almost 2 hours of waiting, my 5 minute visit with the doctor (and brief wait for the results of a strep test, which was not-surprisingly negative ) I got my diagnosis.  Here it is:  my throat is quite swollen and irritated.  HA!  And the treatment?  Fluids and rest.

It may just be another seven years, or more, before I decide it’s worth it to visit a doctor again.

A reminder

A reason why life isn’t always easy…

Now these are the nations which the Lord left, that He might test Israel by them, that is, all who had not known any of the wars in Canaan (this was only so that the generations of the children of Israel might be taught to know war, at least those who had not formerly known it), namely, five lords of the Philistines, all the Canaanites, the Sidonians, and the Hivites who dwelt in Mount Lebanon, from Mount Baal Hermon to the entrance of Hamath.  And they were left, that He might test Israel by them, to know whether they would obey the commandments of the Lord, which He had commanded their fathers by the hand of Moses. —Judges 3:1-4

 

 

2/3

Ava is 8 months old today.  This afternoon, as I watched her sit in the middle of the floor, trying to figure out the best possible way to fit a toy into her mouth, I was struck by the fact that she’s no longer a newborn.  She doesn’t need or want to be held all the time.  She explores far and wide – climbing steps, walking along furniture, glancing my way as she’s about to grab some questionable item, joining with her siblings as best as she’s able whenever they are playing nearby.  I don’t know why, but this time around is catching me a bit more off-guard than usual.  More than ever before, I’ve found myself teary-eyed and wishing that time would slow down just a little for me and my baby girl.  But, I need to settle for enjoying these fleeting moments as long as they last and not thinking too long on what life will look like in a year or a decade or more.  I am so thankful for her.

Just Him

I took an antihistamine this afternoon.  Why?  Because my mouth and throat have been itching like crazy and my throat is still swollen and sore.  So, I figured I might have allergies.  I’ve never really had a problem with allergies before, but it seemed logical…and while I can sort of handle a sore throat, the itchiness was really unpleasant.  Hence, the antihistamine.

I’ve never used an antihistamine before, and so I wasn’t fully prepared to become completely useless for hours.  I guess when they mention that “marked drowsiness” could be a side-effect, they mean it.  My eyes don’t want to stay open, my energy is completely gone.  I tried playing catch with Caedmon, and to say that my attempt was pathetic might be a bit of an understatement.  On the plus side, it did seem to help the itchiness…but it made my throat dry, which isn’t desirable with an already sore throat.

Life can be a struggle, you know?  There are big things, and there little things, and sometimes everything comes at once and seems unbearable.  That’s because it is.  At least for me it is.  I can’t make life work.  I can’t be strong enough.  I can’t figure out answers to every problem.  As much as I want to be that person who can stay on top of everything, whose emotions never dictate actions, who can be productive through medication-induced weariness, who can speak wisdom into every situation, who is enough…the truth is, I can’t be.

God didn’t make me (or anyone) to be that person.  He made me to need Him and His strength and His grace.  He made me to have problems I can’t solve and circumstances I can’t redeem and sore throats I can’t make go away, because I need to know that I need Him.  I need to know that He’s enough.  I need to know that He has answers I can’t fathom and I need to believe, when I can’t see, that the things that are too big for my hands are being carefully directed by His.  I need to be able to look past everything and see Him, just Him.

Unsaid

There are things I wish I could write about.  There are things that are confusing and frustrating and painful and heartbreaking.  There are questions that I can’t ask, explanations that I can’t give, and circumstances that I can’t change.  There are things that have left me in stunned silence and there are hopes that have been permanently laid to rest.

I’m not good with hopeless situations that have no recourse.  Some people might actually think this particular situation has nothing to do with me, anyway, but my heart says otherwise.  In fact, it has sent my world spinning.  Trust that I have always been so hesitant to give has been shattered.  Faults have been made unforgivable and love has been made conditional and all that is in me wants to force confrontation to get answers, to get resolution.

But I know better.

So, I will stay silent and pray this isn’t forever.  And I will remind myself that despite all of the worst disappointments in life, I can be confident that God is guarding and keeping our lives for our good and His glory.

Conflict

I hate conflict.  It leaves my stomach in knots, sometimes for days.  It makes something inside me – something that often lies dormant – well up and yearn, more than anything, to communicate love.  Normally, I make understanding most important.  Normally, I think it’s okay to push the envelope of tact and civility in the hope of gaining clarity.  Normally, I think others can benefit from unfiltered honesty.  Until, somehow, somewhere, a line is crossed and I realize that even the best intentions of truth-telling and transparency become inconsequential if love and value are not communicated most clearly.  Unfortunately, once that line is crossed, the road to reconciliation can sometimes seem impossibly steep.  Oh, that the grace of God would step in and redeem the broken relationships and lost opportunity.