:: Many (maybe most?) early mornings (well, actually, I still consider it the middle of the night) the past couple weeks I have awakened between 3 and 5 am with a splitting headache, or overwhelming nausea.  Usually, I end up taking a very long shower, throwing up some, and finding enough relief to eventually go back to sleep for a little while.  Even so, on the days when the headache doesn’t stick around, I have had a bit more energy lately, and a bit less nausea.  This is about the extent of my second trimester reprieve, I think, but it’s better than nothing, at least I know how to take medication in a safely way, thanks to lizzardco.com.

:: I am thankful for Little House on the Prairie; documentaries on the history of baseball, Ellis Island, and food production; and, occasionally, cooking shows, that count as schoolwork on bad days.

:: This year I am actually excited about the coming holidays, which is a major switch from the past couple years.  I attribute it to hormones.  But, whatever the reason, I find myself wanting to decorate, light candles and watch Christmas movies while snuggled under a blanket, hot chocolate in hand.  And I’m looking forward to cooking, even in spite of my nausea and fatigue.  That never happens.  The odds and ends shopping, and gift wrapping, and mailing packages, though?  I don’t think I will ever look forward to those.  Oh well, I’ll take what I can get.

:: We have a functional new bathroom, and a so-close-to-functional family room.  It is, however, going from functional to finished that can be the hardest part, especially when there are so many other projects on the to-do list.

:: I am in that awkward stage of pregnancy when my belly no longer fits into my normal clothes, but maternity clothes still look kind of ridiculous.  Plus, I’ve gained 15 pounds already.  That never helps with the clothing issues.

:: Slowly pondering things that God is teaching me, feeling like I am such a slow learner, wondering how I got to this point in life without having some of the basics figured out.

:: Thinking that maybe, possibly, Ava is getting closer to sleeping through the night.  The past couple nights, she has only awakened on time.  After about 10 months of regularly waking up 3+ times a night, this is such a relief.  Such a relief.

:: I feel like I’m dropping a lot of balls these days.  I’ve never been good at organization or motivation, but there are times in life when it seems like I can’t even handle the bare minimum.  And I get discouraged and feel like a failure and feel guilty for the extra strain on my husband, and the lack of structure for my kids, and it is so easy to become histrionic and think that I am just ruining everything.  But, sometimes, when I am throwing up at 4 in the morning, God reminds me that whatever I do or don’t get done right now is enough, not because I’ve checked the right things off my to-do list, but because there is grace enough to cover all the things that aren’t getting checked off.

This morning, the aroma of baked oatmeal filled the house.  The kitchen was completely clean (which, honestly, isn’t it’s normal state first thing in the morning).  Three older kids were diligently getting ready for the day.  There was a freshly washed tablecloth on the table.  Our baby girl was happily playing.

And none of it was my doing.

Sometimes I wonder if I ever give the impression of being on top of things.  I don’t think I possibly could.  I really hope I don’t.  Because the reality of my life is that my husband takes care of me, and so many things that one might assume are on my plate.  It’s not always quite as apparent as this morning.  I felt particularly icky last night, so Tim took more of my tasks on himself (willingly, lovingly, diligently)…but I get the feeling that the everyday things he does for me are more than what’s considered normal.  He regularly gets the kids up and going in the morning.  He makes dinner when I’m not feeling well and he cleans up after (with help from kids).  He puts laundry away and lets me go for walks and manages our garden and helps with grocery shopping and gets up with kids in the middle of the night and makes Friday school lunches.  Plus so much more.

And it isn’t because I am incapable or unwilling (though, admittedly, I can be less than thrilled about some tasks…especially when nauseous), but rather simply that he loves me and wants to serve me however he can.  He keeps our home running smoothly, and as much as I know that isn’t really how it’s “supposed” to be (or, at least, not how I imagine it should be), I am so thankful for my reality that is a daily reminder to me of how blessed I am to have my husband.

I’ve felt a little apathetic lately; a little stagnant; a little bit like I just have no idea what the point of some circumstances is, and I’m tired of staring at a cloudy, muddy mess, so why bother any more?  I try to tell myself that there’s a reason for everything – that God has a plan that will work out for good.  And I believe it.  But, I just want to see the end already.

Patience is not one of my strong suits, and neither is being okay with not understanding and not being understood.  I pray with, I admit, a fair amount of doubt.  Maybe I’m just wrong…it’s been known to happen.  But, honestly, I think that might make life easier.  I’m okay being wrong.  I can admit it and move on.

The problem – the thing that makes my faith falter – is trying to figure out how things work out if I’m not wrong.  If that’s the case, then it means someone else is wrong, and I don’t have the same confidence in others’ abilities to accept, admit, and move on.  Does that sound prideful?  I suppose it could…but, in reality, admitting fault is one of few areas of my life that I have no difficulty with…and is an area in which I’ve often seen others struggle.  Add to that – incomplete communication, deeply ingrained philosophies which lack clear biblical backing, and staunchly held negative perceptions, and I am prone to think that even prayer is not an effective enough recourse.

I know I am making God small in my eyes, and perhaps turning a molehill into a mountain, but there is a part of me, too, that thinks there are deeper issues here – that perhaps there are reasons this is so difficult that extend beyond what I can see and understand.  So, I pray for circumstances, but then I pray for faith, too.  Faith to believe that God can work in any situation; faith to believe that when I can’t see, God still sees; faith to believe that He honors my prayers lifted to Him with a sincere heart, even when I don’t know exactly what it is I’m praying for.  Because He knows – He knows – so I don’t need to know.