I don’t know how to do this.

My two littlest girls are under the weather and have spent a good part of the past few days just crying.

My husband is discouraged and overwhelmed.  I can’t blame him.  Life around here has been discouraging and overwhelming for a while, and he carries most of the weight of it on his shoulders.  He has nobody to teach him or show him how to do it.  I don’t know what to say.  I don’t know what to do.  I pray, but it honestly is out of desperation more than faith.  We are alone and breaking under the strain of a thousand little and not little things.

School is starting for us next week and I am lost.  I have books, but no schedule, no goals, no confidence.  I know my kids are smart, but I also know I am lazy and disorganized, and as much as I put my best effort in, I never seem capable of accomplishing anything more than the absolute minimum…and, sometimes, I’m convinced I haven’t even managed that.  It’s to the point of wondering at times if I just need to give up on homeschooling altogether.  ‘Cause I’m just not good enough.

I’m tired.  My back hurts when I try sleeping, all night long.  I’m pretty sure it’s a post-partum issue, but knowing that doesn’t make it easier to deal with. 

I still can’t see, or hear, or manage to trust God.  It makes my heart hurt, pretty much continually.  I’m trying.  I’m honestly trying.  But I feel hopeless.

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