Divided

I pulled out 6-9 month clothes for Isabelle today.  And my throat tightened and tears came to my eyes as I held up the still-tiny dresses and sweaters and pants.  It wasn’t only because Isabelle is growing too fast, though.  It was seeing those clothes and feeling like Ava was just wearing them.  Isn’t she still my baby girl?  Honestly, I’m not sure I’m entirely ready to be passing them on to our newest baby girl, yet.  This is a first for me.  I’ve not had two girls (or two boys) so close together.  Elijah and Nathanael were more than two years apart.  Isabelle and Ave are eight months closer together.  And Isabelle is longer than Ava was, and so is growing into clothes at a faster pace.  I feel like both of them are getting the short end of the stick…Ava with far less attention than I would like to give her at only two years, Isabelle with divided attention as I try to read books or help with meals or get extraneous things done while holding her, when she is clearly wanting someone to just sit and smile at her for long stretches of time.  Everyone always says that there’s enough time and attention to accommodate as many children as God gives.  My heart doesn’t agree.  Every direction I turn, I feel like there is one of my children missing out on my attention and affection and direction.  God help me.

2 thoughts on “Divided

  1. Lori, Now that I have three…I totally feel this way. I know that I love all of them with all of my heart, but I feel like there just isn’t enough mommy to go around. I’m so glad I’m not alone in this.

    • I think it is, in some ways, especially hard with a newborn. It is much harder to give any of them individual attention, and routine gets completely thrown off…which, at least for my kids, results in a lot of aimless activity and complaining, which just heightens my awareness of how little attention I can (or sometimes, honestly, just choose to) give to each one. It definitely highlights those areas of my life where I “waste” time, which ends up making me feel guilty, because, often, those are the moments I am tuning them out (as much as I can), trying to recapture some sense of sanity. BUT, I also know that even though my mom had ten kids, and worked full-time my whole life, and didn’t have much time to devote to each child, I don’t remember ever feeling like the attention wasn’t enough. That makes me hopeful that I am just overreacting a little. I think there are definitely certain personality types, though, that are more sensitive to how much and what kind of attention they are receiving. I am definitely learning more and more how impossible it is to feel like I am enough as a mom, but if that causes me to acknowledge, and then teach my children, that we need to look to the Lord to cover our insufficiencies, I guess it can all be for a good end :).

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