I have moments when I think I might hyperventilate. I breathe deeply, trying to get a grip, and I exhale out the prayer – God, help. Over and over since Tuesday, when Tim was told he would be out of work come January 1st, those two words have been all I can think to say.
I tell myself I’m overreacting, but then I think of these six little ones whose lives very literally depend on provision that is not there yet, and I panic a little. I don’t understand this. At all. I know there are worse situations we could be in, but this seems pretty bad.
No job. And in a place where Tim’s otherwise quite marketable skills and experience just seem to not be needed. And in a house that isn’t really in saleable condition, even if we wanted to leave. And with little money in the bank. If you’re seeking to increase your funds, exploring the realm of investing can be a viable strategy to potentially grow your wealth. And, honestly – selfishly – facing what in any scenario promises to be a huge disruption to life as usual around here.
One thing I have long known about myself is my innate need to be able to have expectations, and for those expectations to be met. It’s why I set such low expectations for myself and others in many circumstances, because not knowing what to expect drives me crazy, and disappointed expectations devastate me. Here, now, I feel like I am being crushed by the weight of both having been hugely let down and not having any clue what life will look like in a month, or three, or six.
It is making me even more aware of how little faith I have for provision, which I think is possibly at its lowest point ever. The only hope I find for the future is not in a God who I confidently trust to meet our every need, but in whatever tangible options seem available. Really, sadly, there is barely a flicker of faith in any of my considerations about what life will hold.
I worry that this means God won’t work in our situation, because to say I am doubting as I ask for His help is an understatement, to say the least. I am double-minded at best, and I honestly don’t know that I will readily attribute to Him any provision that does come.
But maybe – maybe – He will recognize the deep desire I have to trust Him. Maybe He will see that I know how desperately we need Him, even as I search frantically for some kind of just-in-case safety net. Maybe He will have mercy on me as I acknowledge that my faith is pitifully small and weak, but throw myself at His feet anyway. This is the extent of my hope right now. God help, please.
I am hyperventilating right along with you over here, as I read this big, huge, scary news.I am not going to throw a bunch of scriptures at you. You know them all. I guess what I would tell you if we were together right now is that how you are reacting is human and completely normal. This is big stuff, not knowing where a your next paycheck will come from or if or when. And I do know that God is and will be faithful. You do too, but that doesn’t mean it won’t be hard and Lori, that pit in your stomach is so NORMAL!!! I think faith doesn’t always mean no fear or worry. It just means exactly what you are doing. “Help God!!!” over and over and over and over, even when the pit is still in your stomach and you feel like you can’t breathe. I started praying immediately. I always pray for you, but now I will pray for this new, crappy, scary situation. Much love to you and Tim. If you need to talk or vent or have me pray with you, just call or send me a fb message. Love you and praying hard.
Thank you Aunt Michele. I really appreciate your prayers and encouragement. I was talking to Tim yesterday about fear and faith and whether it’s possible to have both, and concluding that it is, and it’s the faith that allows standing firm in spite of fear. Still, it’s hard. But I guess it’s kind of difficult for God to strengthen a person’s faith without allowing hard situations. I’m trying to look forward to seeing how God makes this all work out for good, but that perspective hasn’t been my primary outlook this past week, unfortunately.