weariness

Tim has a fourth interview with a particular company on Monday afternoon.  This interview was supposed to happen yesterday, but his computer ended up being overloaded by having too much running at once (video chat, plus desktop sharing, plus running code (?)), and since the whole point of this particular interview is for him to show them programs he has written, and then to do some coding for them to see, having a functioning computer was necessary, and the interviewers did not have time to wait for him to resolve the problems.  He has another computer he can use, so the same thing shouldn’t happen on Monday.  But still, it was a bit of a blow that his computer ended up having issues yesterday.  Even though technology malfunctions seem to happen to everyone, during an interview is not when you’d prefer for them to occur.

So, Monday.  We’re hoping and praying that Monday will be an end to the job search.  This position seems like a good fit.  It would pay enough.  It is specifically a telecommuting job.  Tim has a lot of experience in the areas of software development they are looking at.

If this doesn’t work out, I don’t know how I will handle it.  Just the postponing of the interview yesterday seemed like too much to bear.  I honestly feel like there is something pulled tight around my chest all the time.  This stress physically hurts.  It is exhausting, and along with sleep that never amounts to more than 3 hours straight, I feel like my body just can’t hold up to any more.  I think I’m having potassium deficiency issues, which it seems can be triggered by how the body responds to stress…achy, tired, cramping muscles; heart palpitations; dizziness; abdominal cramping and bloating; numbness in extremities…I guess it maybe sounds worse than it is, but it is a frustration nonetheless since I do have what is a normally sufficient amount of potassium in my diet, and increasing that intake enough to relieve symptoms is an annoyance I don’t really want to have to deal with right now.  I get that, somehow, I should be able to just trust God and then the stress and its related problems would be gone, but I don’t know how to just let go.  I hope that isn’t a lesson that needs to be fully learned before this trial is done.

I feel like I’m at the end of myself.  This job issue came at a time when I probably would have already said that I had no faith, no hope, no strength to stand.  Now, almost three months later, I’m really just done.  Numb.  I don’t even think that I can offer an assessment of my faith, it’s been worn down to simply falling at His feet, speechless and empty.  There are no more arguments, no more ideas, no more attempts at understanding, no more thoughts of what might convince me that He’s here or that He cares.  I know I can be pretty fickle about all of this.  I wish I wasn’t.  Still, He should be able to meet me where I am, right?  He should be able to take this emptiness, this hopelessness, this lifelessness and help me see Him in it all, right?  Somehow, I just need to see Him.

 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *