nothing new

It’s happening again.  This feeling of abandonment.  This searching and not finding.  This longing for something to help me see God, but being disappointed over and over again.  And I wonder what I’m doing wrong.  I’m so far from perfect, I know.  But I honestly feel like I’m trying to seek Him, I’m trying to find Him, I’m trying to know Him more.  Why doesn’t He answer?

It’s always this time of year that I feel more…pressure?… to be seeing Him more clearly, too.  We are celebrating this defining moment of Christianity – of human history – after all.  But, despite my best efforts to focus on the cross and to gain a deeper appreciation of this salvation I so easily take for granted, I come away from my Bible and prayer times underwhelmed.  I want to scream.  I want to cry.  I want life to have some sense of eternal purpose.  I want all of the things that fill my vision and cloud my heart and make life seem pointless to fade into the background of the joy of knowing Him and having fellowship with Him in my days.

I just want to see Him.  That’s all.

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