I am not a compassionate person.

I think others often assume that I am.  Maybe because of how easily I cry.  I cry in worship.  I cry when I hear a salvation story.  I cry when I think about abortion.  I occasionally even cry during baptisms.  I wish I could say why it is that all of those things move me to tears, but I think it’s safe to say that it is rarely compassion.  At least, not compassion in any normally understood sense.  It’s frustrating for me, honestly.  I desperately want for God to use me, but I can’t see how that can happen when my natural response to hurt and brokenness is something along the lines of get over it.  I have learned to not actually respond that way, but my patience with a struggling person generally lasts about as long as it takes me to get through a single conversation.  If you’re still struggling the next time we talk, it’s likely I’ll just be irritated that you’re foolishly holding onto something when God can bring freedom if you let Him.

It’s hypocritical of me, to say the least.  I have so many – so many – areas of my life and heart that I find impossible to just surrender to the Lord.  Areas where I know what’s true, but can’t bring myself to the place of completely laying aside my desires for the sake of serving Him.  I want to have total understanding first.  Or I want my feelings to change first.  Or I want to know how things turn out in the end, before I submit my all to Him.  And sometimes, even when I know what the right thing is, and I want with all my heart to do the right thing, I’m just weak and I fall and I find myself pleading for mercy at the foot of the cross.  The patience and compassion that God has demonstrated toward me is beyond my comprehension.  Still, I somehow forget my own black-hole need for mercy and grace when I consider someone else’s inability to get something right.

At different times in my life, when others have prayed for me, it has often been stated that I have a compassionate heart.  I almost cringe when that happens, because I hate to think that anyone might think more or better of me than I deserve, particularly in this area where I am such a monumental failure.  But at these times I also find a deep longing in my heart for God to make it true, for Him to somehow help me see with His eyes and love with His heart, for Him to give me a new understanding of the power of the Cross to present every person as righteous and holy before His throne.

So, how do I change this?  How do I learn to have God’s heart for the broken?  How do I learn patience with the person who just doesn’t understand?  How do I look past sin and weakness and ignorance to find the beauty of a person that Jesus died to have relationship with?

Maybe I just need to know Him more.  That’s always the answer, it seems…just to know Him.

Please, God, help me know You more.