Some days make me feel worthless and hopeless and like I’ll never get anything right.   Some days make me wish I were invisible, because then at least there would be a reason for people not seeing or acknowledging me in any way.  Some days, I see myself and don’t really wonder that others would rather not know me more.

I get angry, sometimes.  Angry that God made me this way, with this apparently repellant personality, with these flabby, slouchy genes that require way more effort than I can put in to overcome, with a heart that hurts so easily, and a history that convinces me that walls are always safer.

And I want to dwell here.  I want to etch the heartache and self-loathing into my soul because I don’t want to ever forget.  I don’t want to forget because, if I forget, I might let myself hope for the obviously impossible.  I might think, for a moment, that there could be something lovable about me.  Then I’ll just get hurt all over again.  I know I will.  It’s happened more times than I can count.  I’m tired of being hurt.

In the midst of raising defenses and memorizing this angst, though, God is whispering, insistently, you’re beautiful to Me…I love you.  Over and over.  I want to ignore Him.  I want to say it’s not enough.  I want for Him to know for a minute how it feels to be always rejected…

…oh, wait…yeah…huh.

I’m kind of left without an argument.  But I still don’t understand.  And maybe that’s why it keeps happening.  Maybe there’s some lesson that just isn’t getting through to me.  I wish I knew, so I could make it all stop.

Still, for now, I’ll fall on His grace – this completely, utterly undeserved favor with the God of the universe – and let Him try to put back together this heart that seems permanently broken and bruised.  I keep wondering if He’ll ever stop trying.  I really hope not.

 

2 thoughts on “

  1. Thinking of you and Tim a lot the past few weeks… I thought I would take a look at some of your recent blogs… Enjoyed reading about groceries left in parking lots!… Sorry to hear about your shoulder — ouch!… And was so saddened to read about ongoing pain within… you are not worthless and hopeless; you are cherished and valued; I will pray for you as you walk through all of this; and I would love to sit and talk and pray and share with you in all of this… please know that I am with you in these things.

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