I had a conversation yesterday in which I was asked about ‘the rest of life’.  My initial response was that there was nothing else to life right now.  Which, I know, is categorically untrue, but my mind and my heart tend to get tunnel vision and miss, or at best discount, everything else that happens, and so I have a hard time seeing any good.  But after that conversation, I thought I should at least try.  Here’s what I’ve come up with…

:: We have a new refrigerator.  It was an unexpected purchase, but since our old one decided to stop keeping things cold, it was necessary.  Though not high on my list of what I would have wanted to spend money on, it is nice to have a new, bigger, prettier, functioning refrigerator.  And the expense didn’t throw us off financially…which is a testimony of God’s faithfulness to us, especially considering that last year at this time Tim was out of work and our bank account was getting very low.

:: I started a Bible reading plan about a month ago.  It’s nothing revolutionary…pretty standard two or three OT chapters, one NT chapter per day…but this is the first time I’ve started a Bible-in-a-year plan and found that I get to the end of my scheduled chapters and want to just keep reading.  It’s been life to me.  Not warm-fuzzy, revelatory, deep moments with God, but daily bread – sustaining, mind-renewing strength for my days.

:: My kids.  I love them so much.  And as I ponder making adjustments to our homeschooling, and try to find ways to make up for activities they will now be lacking, I’m finding a renewed zeal for these amazing people I get to call mine.

:: My husband.  He works hard every day.  He holds me up even when he’s hurting.  He keeps the Word of God as his standard even when it’s difficult.  He cleans up middle-of-the-night throw-up, and bloody noses, and wetting accidents.  He gives our kids running shoulder rides up the stairs.  He tells me I’m pretty when my hair is all over the place in the morning.  He fixes our washing machine.  Plus so much more.

:: A tax return that, for the first time ever, resulted in us coming out thousands of dollars better than we anticipated.  We over-estimated in quarterly tax payments, and didn’t realize it until figuring out our taxes for the year (note: I use the term “we” very loosely.  Tim does it all).

:: A new mattress that, while not resulting in always completely comfortable sleep, has at least greatly alleviated my problem with my arms falling asleep all the time.  I’m thankful.

There is probably more if I thought longer, but this is at least a start, right?

My natural bent right now is to want to do whatever is necessary to end the conflict.  I run from fights. I hide when I am afraid.  My initial response to all of this was non-stop shaking, episodes of hyperventilating, and hours of crying.  Who I am cannot handle stress like these days have brought.  And I find myself desperately wishing that I could believe that we’re wrong in this.  The thought of repenting and being restored just seems…easy.

But I can’t lie.  The thought of admitting to a wrong that I am convinced we’re not guilty of makes me nauseous.  The thought of allowing the truth to be distorted so that we can find some level of momentary peace seems like compromise of the worst kind.  So we pray, and wait, and cling to seemingly threadbare hopes that God will somehow bring Himself glory through all of this mess.

My one son just doesn’t understand.  The one whose thoughts and feelings always run deep.  This one who found someone he really looked up to…someone he really thought cared about him.  And none of it makes sense to him.  How could it?  It doesn’t even make sense to me.  He does his best to hide his hurt, but it’s there.  The tears that make his eyes glisten, but never quite spill down.  The questions that reveal a wrestling, a desperation to know how this good man – these good men – could knowingly cause us pain, knowingly cause him pain.  I don’t have answers.  So I tell him I don’t know.  I tell him everybody fails.  I tell him we need to love them anyway.  I tell him God is still good.  What else can I say?

on my mind today…

He has shown you, O man, what is good;
And what does the Lord require of you
But to do justly,
To love mercy,
And to walk humbly with your God?

                                   —Micah 6:8