I’m sure I heard it a few times early on in marriage that the first years were the hardest.  And when I heard that, I figured if that was the case, then marriage was going to be a cake walk.  Not that we never had disagreements, or things to work through, but – really? – marriage was never something I considered hard during the first ten years or so.

The past few years, though?  Marriage has been hard.  Not I can’t stand this person kind of hard – I love my husband and, even in our worst moments, can’t imagine my life without him…but how do we do this? kind of hard.  In the midst of what have been some difficult circumstances in life, being married means we don’t get to walk things out only our own way.

When he’s hurting and I’m hurting, when I really need to be encouraged and protected and told everything is going to be okay…and when he needs the same thing…and yet neither of us feels like we have anything to give, any hope or comfort to offer – this is where preferring one another really becomes a struggle.  We try and we fail often and we repent and and we forgive and we recognize – this person across from me is as broken as I am.

And when we encounter problem after problem, and we both have ideas about what the right solution is, and we butt heads and we get frustrated and we pray for wisdom and often still end up on completely different pages, it can be hard to not just walk away from the conversation.  But we learn to persist, we learn to wait on the Lord for an answer.  And I find myself prompted more and more by the Lord to let my husband lead…and when I forcefully resist and argue that I’m right, I see clearly the painful truth that I have far to go in really being the helper and support I should be.

These things are not ruining us – I’m sure they will be beneficial in the long run – but it’s hard to walk through them.  It’s hard to see insufficiency and weakness and sin nature come to the surface –  in me and in him – and still have a proper perspective.  It’s hard, when our emotions and mental strength are spent to still be affectionate and compassionate and fully present with one another.

I’m no less thankful for my husband, no less in love with him than when life is easier.  But we’re learning more what love really is.  We’re learning more about laying our lives down for one another.  We’re learning more about grace and patience and forgiveness.  We’re learning more about empathy.  And I expect that, years from now, we’ll look back on these days as a time of growth for us and we’ll see how God used everything for our good and His glory.