Lucas is six years old today.  On any given day, he can be my biggest challenge or my greatest blessing, or both mere minutes apart.

He’s almost done with kindergarten, which I’m sure he’d tell you can’t end soon enough.  He HATES schoolwork…like, throws a mini-tantrum at least half the mornings when he’s reminded there’s schoolwork to be done.  And, to be fair, I’m still trying to figure out how he learns best, which means he’s had to do a lot of learning in ways that don’t come easily for him.  BUT, he started the school year not even really knowing the alphabet or numbers (due to lack of interest and motivation on both my part and his), and can now read enough to figure out most words, and though his math progress is slow, progress IS being made, and he is still far beyond where he started.

In other areas, though, he is exceptional.  He regularly surprises me with his listening comprehension and verbal communication skills.  He loves drawing, and his ability to memorize facts is impressive.  He can follow LEGO instructions for sets that should be too complicated for him, and can come up with his own detailed and functional creations.  As always, he is constantly trying to keep up with his older siblings, so his strength and coordination continue to improve at an accelerated pace.

The thing I find most remarkable about Lucas, though, is the way he observes and cares for people.  In spite of a particular selfish bent that might be magnified because he is the “baby”, he is very concerned with the well-being of those around him.  He is a protector of his sisters, he reminds his brothers of things when he thinks they might have forgotten, he prays for me if I’m hurt and hugs me if I’m sad.  He randomly writes notes telling me, Tim, or his siblings that he loves us, and he likes nothing better than to make someone laugh.

He has a lot of preferences, from not liking to wear pants that touch the floor at all, to preferring peanut butter and jelly sandwiches over almost any other food.  He likes to do tricks on his bike, and play stratego, and eat candy, and climb on everything, and sing like a heavy metal rocker.  Lucas is full of personality and energy and passion.  Still a force to be reckoned with in so many ways, but he brings joy to my heart even so.  He is a treasure and blessing to our home, and I am thankful beyond words for this six year old kid.

My oldest girl is seventeen today.

She became a licensed driver earlier this week. She has dreams of one day owning a purple ‘81 Corvette.  She is earning college credit and learning Calculus and still taking care of a flock of chickens.

She makes really intricate, creative jewelry.  She helps with house projects.  She randomly creates dress patterns.

She is growing in compassion and wisdom and responsibility.

We love our Miss Bethany so.  What a treasure these seventeen years have been.

Another year has flown by.  Caedmon is in full figuring-out-life mode.  He’s taking classes part-time, working part-time and trying to make decisions about what he actually wants to do with life.

We saw a sign in a store a while back that said something along the lines of “I’m an adult, but not, like, a REAL adult” and we both laughed because that is how things seem for him right now.  He’s wanting freedom and independence and space, but he’s also still borrowing our car and getting his laundry done for him.  He’s handling so many things on his own, though.  Saving money for college (he has enough for a car, just hasn’t found one yet).  Figuring out classes.  Working one job consistently, but also managing to fit in another one, as opportunity permits, that is giving him valuable experience.

And, to be honest, we’ve had some rough moments.  I’m learning how to let go, and he’s learning (I hope) that becoming an adult is a balancing act of responsibilities and relationships and learning how to choose self-sacrifice at times when it would be easier to choose self-service.  He pushes back more on some things, but he also listens and adjusts, which makes me so proud of who he is.

His interests have stayed much the same even as he has made his way into the world of adulting.  He loves music, he loves LEGO, he’s a big movie fan (particularly Marvel).  He likes anything rustic, cozy or Christmas. He chases Lucas around, makes “teenage boy” jokes with Elijah, and talks about ideas with Nathanael. He patiently listens while his younger sisters talk his ear off about things that, in general, couldn’t matter less to him.  He talks to Tim and me about life, and problem solving, and politics.

In truth, I miss the joyful, hopeful kid Caedmon was ten years ago.  In some ways, life has been really hard, and hasn’t left him without scars, which makes me want to yell at God about how unfair He can be sometimes.  But, instead, I talk to Caedmon about where our hope is found, and how to cling to Christ when we face loss or disappointment.  And I remind him that what we gain in eternity far outweighs any joy or sorrow we could experience now.  These lessons that I am still learning at 43 years old, he’s learning at nineteen, and it makes me hopeful for his relationship with the Lord to be that much richer and deeper and stronger because of it.

It seems that life gets more complicated with age, even for my kiddos.  But I am so thankful that I get to now walk side-by-side with Caedmon has he navigates his way through.  These nineteen years have been a blessing beyond words I can only hope for many, many more.

Thirteen today.  This step into teen years is always a hard one for me.  Elijah has been my buddy his whole life, but even that is shifting some now.  He doesn’t remember good morning hugs as much (or just waits for me to seek out a hug).  He still loves to talk to me about anything he finds interesting, but has also adopted more of the mumbled “I don’t know” and shrug if I ask too many questions about how he’s doing.  But he also steps in to help when he sees a need, and has improved a lot in his personal responsibility for his schoolwork.

Elijah always has the most unique interests and endeavors, and this year he has tried his hand at making yo-yos.  He has learned how to use various tools, how to inlay wood, and a lot about how to plan out a project and troubleshoot roadblocks.  And the end result has been a couple creative (functioning!) yo-yos.

He also played baseball with the local youth league one last time this year.  He loved it and is sad about aging out of the program, but it was a lot of fun to see him learning and enjoying something so much.  Unlike those of us watching his games in ridiculously hot weather, he never complained about hours standing in the sun  (in pants, ugh) or about being completely soaked in sweat by the end.  He just liked to be in the game.

Really, Elijah just loves being outside.  He complains endlessly about winter, but will still spend more time outside than any of his siblings, building snow forts, practicing the salmon ladder, or even playing basketball if there’s enough space clear.  He just prefers warmer weather because there’s so much MORE he can do outside then.

He continues to grow like a weed.  While I still have a few inches on him, his legs and arms are now longer than mine, and I can ask for his help if I have trouble reaching something.  From the time he was a baby, I have kind of expected that he would end up as our tallest child, and I continue to think that will be the case.  I’m kind of excited to see how fast and how tall he grows…even if it means I’m buying new pants every other month.

I’ve also noticed a deepening in Elijah’s faith this year.  During morning devotionals, when he used to remain mostly silent and let his other siblings be the prime participant in the discussion, he now is quick to answer questions, and offer insight into whatever we’re discussing.  He volunteers to pray, and gives song suggestions and readily recalls his memory verses.  I continue to pray for God to shape his natural bent for encouraging others, and to protect his heart that still tends to be somewhat more sensitive and prone to being hurt by a careless word or action.

I see so much potential in my Bud.  And I really, really like him.  He’s smart, and witty, compassionate and full of energy.  I’m thankful to see him growing more and more into a young man of character and conviction.  I am so blessed by this kid, and grateful for the gift of thirteen years (and hopefully many more) of living life with him.

It’s hard to believe Ava turns ten today.  She has seemingly done her best to meet the oft-repeated (not truly serious) request that she never grow up.  Her 20-month younger sister is now taller, and bigger overall, than Ava.  She is still quite content to curl up in an impossibly tiny little ball on a lap, and only seems mildly put-out that everyone around her is growing by leaps and bounds while she continues at her own, special, Ava pace.

A pace which, it seems, applies to everything she does.  Despite more challenging schoolwork and more responsibilities around the house, she still refuses to be rushed in her tasks.  This does often result in what seems like an overly-full plate for her, and upon occasion, has made her feel overwhelmed, but hopefully it will also help her learn more about time management and prioritizing her responsibilities well.

Though her pace may be slow, the quality of Ava’s work – in any endeavor – is usually excellent.  She is careful, pays attention to detail, and puts a lot of thought into everything she does.  She might be a bit of a perfectionist, but I think that her generally easy-going attitude balances it out fairly well.

Ava has an interesting dynamic with each of her siblings.  With Isabelle, there is a slight tendency toward sibling rivalry, but there is also a symbiotic-type relationship where Ava’s preference for being served and Isabelle’s love of being helpful results in many interactions where Ava asks, sweetly, “Isabelle, will you…?”, and Isabelle happily complies.  It’s funny and endearing, but has also required the occasional reminder to Ava to not take advantage of her sister.  With Lucas, she can be a little bossy, but also silly and patient.  With her older siblings, Ava is clearly very interested in demonstrating that she can hold her own – in games, in outdoor activities, and in her interests in general.  She particularly loves her more “grown-up” conversations with Bethany, and it has been great to see the two of them bridging the 6+ year gap in their ages.

Ava’s creativity is one of her strongest traits, I think.  She can make a realistic-looking model car out of cardboard without any sort of guidance, and come up with clever, funny gifts for her siblings.  She is a good artist and writes witty short stories.  When given a choice of activities, she will almost always gravitate toward something that allows her to be creative.

While not our most talkative child by a long shot, Ava makes her voice heard on things that are important to her.  She is straightforward and funny and grasps a lot of science and technical concepts with ease.  She loves reading and playing games and snuggling (for now).  She is beautiful and gracious and determined and kind.  She is a bright light in our world and we love her so much.

Fifteen years with Nathanael.  This year, he officially surpassed me in height…and if his appetite is any indication, he’s still got quite a bit of growing to do.  My once stocky – maybe a little soft around the middle at times – little boy is now tall, lanky and strong, but still, as always, rough and tumble and tough.  He faces the (maybe common?) homeschooled-boy longing to compete in sports and showing off his athletic abilities, but for now he focuses his energy on Tae Kwon Do, at which he demonstrates particular agility, precision and quick thinking.

This year has seemed difficult for Nathanael.  Schoolwork that he normally would have aced with little effort often demonstrated a distracted, disinterested mind.  I don’t know for sure what he was struggling with – and I honestly don’t think he knew either – but my guess is that Tim not feeling well for the entirety of last school year weighed heavily on my Bug.  He has always been, and still remains, quiet but deeply thoughtful…rarely emotional on the exterior, but quick to look out for the needs of others; still the one to trail behind with the stragglers on a family hike (though he could easily outpace us all), still the one to let others have their preference, still silently coming alongside me or others to help without being asked.  And seeing his dad’s health falter, seeing me overwhelmed, and him not being able to fix it probably hit him harder than he could even process.

But, though it wasn’t his best year, he still, objectively, did well in school…and stepped more into the role of our resident handyman.  From replacing the locking mechanism on our washer, to adding studs to a brick wall, to assembling kitchen cabinets, and many odd jobs in between, Nathanael has shown great aptitude and interest in just about any work that involves using tools or fixing things.

He is also our biggest fan of board games, crossword puzzles, and, really, puzzles of any variety.  He loves books, and reading words – literally any words, anywhere.  He asks thought-provoking questions about everything (seriously, every thought the kid has goes deep).  He still, and forever I think, loves yellow, and sugar, but he also loves vegetables and gardening.

I have been struck often throughout these fifteen years, too, about the disciple Nathanael (also Bartholomew), and how Jesus said he was a man in whom was no guile…and how much that applies to my Nathanael.  He is forthright, to the point, honest, and full of integrity.  Not that he never makes mistakes, or bad choices, but through all these fifteen years, I can’t think of a single time when he has tried to lie or deceive to avoid getting in trouble.  And he will, of his own accord, do what he needs to do to correct his wrongdoing.  I am so impressed by his character in this.

I am so impressed by a lot of things about my Bug.  I am thankful beyond words for this son of mine, and I really am truly happy to be celebrating his fifteen years.

When I was a sophomore in college, I was at a point in my Christian walk where I found myself in church one Sunday morning, having this conversation with God (no, not audibly, but very clearly in my spirit).

God asked, “Do you need me?”

I answered, “Yes.”  This most basic truth – that I had known from that first moment I accepted Jesus as savior when I was a child – that I was a sinner who needed the sacrifice of Jesus to make me whole and perfect, to rescue me from the eternal consequences of my sin – was and always has been very clear to me.

Then God asked, “Do you want Me?”

I answered, “Yes, because I know I need You.”  I am prone to being excessively rational at times.

So, then, God asked me, “Do you love Me?”

I answered, “No.”

This was the harsh reality of my soul in that moment, and there was no sense trying to make it out to be anything other than what it was.  But, I think the important thing to note in light of that fact, is that I was still searching for Him.  In truth, I wanted to run away.  But I couldn’t.  Because I knew I needed Him.  Because no matter how much I found life to be unfair, I knew that eternal life was only found in Him.  So, I stayed.

And how did God respond to me?  When I said I didn’t love Him, did He turn away?  Quite the contrary, actually.  Instead, in that church where the “extremes” of Christianity –  like mentioning hearing from God – were avoided so as to not offend anyone, the pastor stood in front of the congregation and said something to the effect of “I sense there is someone here who is telling God that you need Him, you want Him, but you don’t feel like you love Him.  If that’s you, I’d love to pray with you.”  I never knew him to do such a thing before or since.  I went forward…I was the only one who went forward…and the pastor prayed for me.  I don’t honestly remember what was prayed, but I think I mostly just needed to know that in the midst of my sincere doubts and struggles, God heard and cared enough to let me know, and not let me walk away.

The truth is, at 18 years old, most of my beliefs were formed based on what I had heard from someone else.  I hadn’t yet read all the way through the Bible and I had a fair amount of erroneous ideas about what Christianity was all about.  But I knew that true, saving gospel, my need for Jesus, and I went back to just that.  The verse “I determined to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and Him crucified” (I Cor. 2:2), became my perspective on my faith.  I stripped everything away except for that and proceeded to re-build my belief structure, bit by bit, with the Word of God always informing each facet.

So, why am I writing this?  Because “deconstruction” of one’s faith has apparently become fashionable.  Upon experiencing disillusionment with the Church, or being faced with an uncomfortable truth from the Bible, or finding that life doesn’t always work the way we want, so many professing Christians are beginning to examine the entirety of their supposed faith and deciding to throw it all away, or to rebuild it into a more “progressive” Christianity.  Not all respond this way, and it is certainly not a bad thing to examine one’s faith, but I think the rash of people walking away from traditional Christian values and, in fact, condemning even solid, Biblically-based beliefs, is indicative of the serious and wide-spread problem in the Church of not preaching the true gospel.

What I have witnessed in countless ways the past several years has been preaching and evangelizing that is founded on “love”.  Churches draw people in by telling them how much God loves them and wants to be with them.  Outreach efforts have the primary goal of communicating that God loves everyone.  Which IS true.  But it isn’t the gospel. I believe churches are filling up with people being taught to seek love, rather than God.  I believe churches are filling up with people who have never really been told that they are sinners who need a savior, and because God loves them, He sacrificed His Son for the forgiveness of their sins.  God’s love is the motivation, but it doesn’t preclude the reality that there is a sin problem, and it, in and of itself, is not the solution to the problem of sin.  Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross, and our acceptance of all that it means for our lives, is the answer.  Inherent in that, before we can even begin to talk about the magnitude of God’s love, is the magnitude of the depravity of man.  In fact, only in understanding the depths of our own sin can we start to scratch the surface of the incomprehensibility of God’s love for us.

A gospel of “love” cheapens what love really is (if everyone is innately lovable, then love isn’t a hard thing), it renders the cross meaningless (if everyone deserves love, then they don’t deserve punishment), and when a person is faced with defending Christian faith and values to others and to themselves, they are left with nothing but shifting sand (why does a good person even need a savior?).  Then they loudly proclaim to the world that they tried Christianity and it failed them.

The true gospel, though, helps us recognize that we are culpable for the wrongs we do.  It requires us to acknowledge that we all, at times, have a bent toward sin – selfishness, laziness, bitterness, hatred, greed, etc. – that it isn’t just a case of trying our best and falling short, but willfully choosing to not love God or man.  It establishes a rational divide between God’s holiness and our unholiness, and it establishes the need for a savior to bridge that divide.  God’s love is on full, unhindered display in this good news of Jesus Christ, but we also have to acknowledge that He is not only love, but He is also just, good, holy, powerful and altogether higher and better than us in every way.

Jesus said that many will come to Him on the day of judgment, calling Him Lord, and that He would send them away, saying He never knew them.  I wonder if this unwillingness to preach the true, full gospel is why.

Isabelle turns eight today.  She is exuberant and determined and encouraging and persistent.

She loves all things “girly”…dresses and jewelry and pretty shoes and sparkly, frilly hair things.

If she could, I think she might live in the kitchen.  With constant questions, she has figured out how to do many things cooking-wise, and is always very interested in sampling anything and everything that is being made.  Almost humorously, she has a strong dislike for anything spicy…but will still always insist that she might suddenly like spice if it is in something someone else is eating, or something she sees in use in the kitchen.

This is Isabelle’s first year playing softball, and though there’s a learning curve, along with bugs and heat and dirt, she has a smile on her face just about every moment of it.  She loves being around people, especially other girls her age, and is so excited for this opportunity.

Isabelle remains our most enthusiastic “helper” at home, too.  She is very particular about the help she gives, though, hence the qualifier.  Whenever “someone”, in general, is asked to do something, she is always the first volunteer.  Likewise, whenever anyone is doing something which Isabelle deems might need help (whether it actually does or not), she is quick to ask what she can do.  When something is specifically asked of her, though, she is often less enamored with the task…which, I admit, befuddles me sometimes, but we address any attitudes when they arise, and encourage her to not let them impede her love for helping others.

Isabelle has been learning, bit by bit, the recorder, the harmonica, the guitar, and the piano.  While my tendency would be to limit it to one, or maybe two, instruments, she is prone to being easily bored by just one, and I figured at this point, it’s just better to encourage her interest in music, rather than care too much about progress.  But she IS making progress and is always thrilled to share that progress with anyone who will listen.

Academically, Isabelle excels in math, but does well in most areas.  Her listening comprehension, which has been a struggle in the past, is improving, and for an eight year old, she is a great self-starter and takes ownership of the work she has to do.  As with most areas of life, she always wants to share what she’s learning with anyone who will listen, so many members of our family get daily updates on her daily math lessons, the new interesting science facts that she has learned, and the entire, detailed plot line of whatever book she is reading.

She is growing fast, but is still my little girl in so many ways.  Isabelle always wants to sit next to me or Tim.  Every morning, she greets us with an enormous smile, and big, almost-tackling, hugs.  I sometimes have to remind myself to not let these days slip by unnoticed, but when I take the time, I truly cherish Isabelle’s smiles and giggles, her empathetic heart, her unrestrained interest in anything I’m doing, her questions, her excitement, and her generally optimistic attitude about each new day.  She is beautiful and thoughtful and capable and creative and fun-loving and kind.  I love my Sweetpea more than words can say, and I’m forever grateful for her birthday each year when we get to take a day to celebrate her.

Twenty-two years of marriage.  This year, my married life officially became longer than my pre-marriage life.  It’s funny, though, how in those first twenty-one years I thought I had so much figured out, and it feels like each one of these past twenty-two years have made me realize more how much I don’t have figured out.

Every year brings new challenges, and this past year was no different.  Tim has spent much of it not feeling well, and though (thankfully) no major health issues have been discovered and he is mostly recovered (no thanks to any of the myriad doctors he saw, though), the stress of many long months of symptoms, of appointments, of tests, of lots of expenses that insurance doesn’t cover, of so much left undone, of the unknown and of constant anxiety have been taxing.

I learned that some of my perceptions of Tim might have been slightly erroneous…like how I thought he always just ignored pain and illness and fatigue, when most of the time he really just always felt good (a completely foreign concept to me).  I also learned that what I thought was maybe me just being a good, godly wife in the past, was more likely just me having life really easy.  I was confronted with just how much I depend on Tim, and how grumpy I can be when he doesn’t meet my “expectations”.  Beyond that, there have been so many tense discussions…which crossed the line into arguments way too often…about how to approach things, what advice to follow, when to keep trying to find answers and when to accept that an answer might never be found.

In all honesty, we still struggle to find a compromise with some of these things, but, arguments aside, I do believe it is a struggle worth having.  It’s part of the way we balance each other out.  Tim’s nature is to be relentless, to magnify a problem so that he can fix it, to never stop until he has answers.  There are many areas where this is admirable, but sometimes he “misses the trees for the leaves”, his big picture gets compromised and he needs a perspective adjustment.  Less because of any wisdom or great communication skills on my part, and probably more because of exhaustion and bluntness, I have offered that different perspective. It isn’t always the better one, but it reminds him of priorities and sometimes (I think) helps him see beyond his own needs.  On the flip side, I have needed more lessons on how to extend grace, how to not expect perfect thoughts or behaviors from Tim (even knowing full well that nobody is perfect, I still have a hard time when I see imperfection in him), and how to see circumstances from someone else’s perspective.

I’ve thought a fair amount about how we will look back on these days…hopefully reflecting on God’s faithfulness, on lessons learned, with compassionate, gracious hearts.  But it has also made me thankful for an attitude toward marriage that is rooted in commitment, where figuring out a way through hard times is the only option.  How much more difficult and complicated does a situation become when a person, in addition to whatever problem they’re facing, starts questioning whether that problem crosses the line of “too much” for a marriage?  How many solvable problems just never get solved because two people were never really committed to working things out to begin with?

And I’m reminded of God’s commitment to us when we walk with Him.  In spite of our endless flaws, He faithfully works on us.  When we fall, He is always there to help us back up and to forgive us and mend our broken places.  Even though He is never the flawed, imperfect one, still God never ceases to be the most gracious, the most patient, the most persistent in this best-of-all-relationships we get to have with Him through Christ.  Seeing my own limits in these virtues, and seeing how continually I test these virtues in my husband makes me all the more thankful for Tim, yes, but infinitely more so for my Savior.

Not that lessons about God’s character are the only way I am blessed by marriage.  These lessons are possible in large part because of all the good I know Tim brings to my life…both when I am overwhelmed by it, and when I realize, to my chagrin, that I have been taking it for granted.  My love and gratitude for him grows in depth and complexity with each passing year, and I am so thankful for these twenty-two years, and hope for many, many more.

My baby is five.  He seems to think he’s on the verge of adulthood, though.  Lucas tends to believe that there is nothing his older siblings can do that he can’t do.  He vacuums and mops, he fixes broken door handles and tapes up ripped book spines (all of his own volition).  He is pretty close to holding his own in races, and can still quite effectively tackle anyone. He has fairly successfully learned to play games not really meant for four year-olds (right now monopoly and chess are two of his favorites) so that he can interact with his older siblings (major kudos to the big brothers and sisters who have been so patient with his learning curve).  His analytical abilities astound me sometimes (like being able to figure out how to fix the broken door handle), and his comprehension of ideas that he’s presented with in books and movies is beyond his five years.

Lucas’s love for anything fast has remained constant.  When he was just a couple years old, it was cars, then the Flash, now Sonic.  He races around on his bicycle, and more than once has snuck out to the car or the tractor to “practice” being behind the wheel.

After mostly turning his nose up at the thought of being read to for the first four years of his life, Lucas has finally started to enjoy it, and will happily bring me a stack of books and snuggle up next to me.  He seems to have a particular fondness for books he finds funny, and I love getting to see and hear him laugh at his favorite parts.

Compassion, and emotions in general, run deep in this kid.  He is very aware if someone around him is sick or hurting.  He feels offenses very deeply, and takes notice of the moods of the people around him.  Big smiles and big hugs get even bigger smiles and bigger hugs from him in return.  He struggles to understand why he can’t always get his way, and in general puts more stock in how he feels about something than he really should.  We’re working on finding the balance in keeping him soft-hearted, but rational, too.

In truth, Lucas pushes so many more limits than I could have imagined possible.  But I was noting to Tim just the other day about how, more and more, those pushed limits have been manifesting instead as his self-motivation for accomplishing something, and his ability to identify what needs doing and figuring out how to get it done.  As so often happens, the areas where refining is necessary are also the areas where we see vast potential, and it makes me excited to see how God will shape him and use him in years to come.

I am so thankful for Lucas and blessed by the joy and exuberance he adds to each and every day.  What a wonderful gift these five years with him have been.