I have thought a lot in recent months about being hidden in Christ.  Lost.  Unable to find myself…after all “he that finds his life shall lose it, but he who loses his life for My sake shall find it”.  I have felt lost.  I have felt hidden.  I have struggled because I can’t seem to “find” myself.  But, today, I am wondering if I even know what this all means.  It has always sounded like a lofty, holy, noble goal to be hidden in Christ and only found in Him.

And I’m sure it is in God’s eyes.

But in my eyes?  It suddenly seems pretty lowly, humbling, lonely.  Even as I profess to desire this self-forsaken position, I fight with all I am against its fruition.  Not that I am near that fruition.  Hardly so.  But in seeing the beginning sacrifices, in feeling the initial lost-ness, I suddenly want to bring it to God and force Him to say there’s been some mistake – that this isn’t my intended portion, that this isn’t His provision for me in this moment.

In reality, I don’t want to lose myself.  As much as I don’t like who I am much of the time, there remains some self-centered core to my being that wants people to see me, and love me, and even judge me.  What happens if, one day, I cease to be seen?  What if, one day, the only thing anyone sees in me is Christ?  Okay, I know that is an impossible hypothetical…but is it supposed to scare me?  It’s not, right?  I’m supposed to yearn for that possibility.  Clearly, Christ is so infinitely better than me…why wouldn’t I want to be seen only as in Him?

I want to be loved for me, not for Christ in me.  The problem with that (aside from my obvious unloveability)?  God is not glorified when people see and love me.  If someone professes to see good in me, then I am somehow not portraying that none of that good is me, that it is all Christ.  I need to be hidden.  And I need to care only about how God sees me.  I need to find my life in Him alone.  His approval, His love, His acceptance – not anyone else’s – need to matter to me.  I realize there are times when this will need to be walked out in relationship with others – but I also have to be okay when it must be walked out in loneliness and obscurity.  When He wants me to be satisfied with Him, I can’t be seeking after other desires.  He needs to be my life, and my life needs to be His.