I tried to think of some clever or cute way of saying it, but honestly, if ever my words could come out as clever or cute, I’m sure it would require much more brainpower than I possess at the moment.

So here it is:  baby number six is on the way. 

I think I’m somewhere between nine and ten weeks along.  I’m nauseous and tired and gaining weight way too quickly…pretty standard as far as pregnancy goes for me.  Labor looms larger in my mind than it has in the past, and worries about prenatal care and getting a larger vehicle and the potential for 7 more months of not feeling good threaten to overwhelm me.

The thought of a sixth little one, though?  That is joy to my heart.

This might be long.  It might be boring.  But I’ve thought a lot over the last few months about how God worked in my heart to bring me to a place where I could believe in His love for me, and so I thought I would write it out.

For as long as I can remember, I believed, and would even say, that God loved me by default – that He loved the world, and since I was a part of the world, He had to love me.  I’m honestly not sure why I believed that.  I could probably go into some analysis of my childhood to try to figure out the answer, but I am content for now to say it was a lie of the enemy that had a very firm grasp on my heart.  And somehow, I never really recognized it as a problem until a few years ago.

I think it came to the surface because, over and over again, I found myself getting angry with God when people failed me.  I had tied my perception of how much God did or didn’t love me with how much people loved me.  If I felt particularly unloved by a person, I felt abandoned by God.  If I felt loved and accepted by a person, I was more likely to think I mattered to God.  Looking back, this is where I think God started His work in my heart.  He brought conviction over the fact that I was putting people in His place.  He took me to His Word, and reminded me (or, maybe, really revealed to me for the first time) that He alone is perfect and holy and infallible.  No person was going to give me an accurate picture of God’s love for me.  His Word needed to be that authority in my heart.  And over the course of a few months, God was just continually impressing upon my heart the fact that He is holy.  Completely set-apart.  Always above reproach.  Never changing.  Without even a hint of any imperfection in character.

Once that was straightened out, God began working on another misperception I had.  This time, it was a belief, I think more subconscious than anything else, that God would be disappointed, angry, frustrated, impatient with me if I sinned or failed or just didn’t do something as well as someone else.  I would tell myself how I thought God must see me, rather than listening for His voice.  Yes, there would be moments when I would listen, and be struck by His gracious response to my obvious ineptitude, but those weren’t the moments that I chose to remember.  So, He began to bombard me with the simple truth that He is good.  Even when rational thinking would completely justify rejection or condemnation for my failure, God would never respond to me with anything other than kindness and gentleness and patience.  Because His nature is good.  Wholly and completely.  It isn’t circumstantial or changeable.  Again, over and over, He opened my eyes to really see that I couldn’t do anything that would make Him turn me away, or harm me, or ignore me.  I learned to trust His goodness to me.  Maybe that doesn’t seem like a big thing.  It certainly doesn’t seem too impressive in writing.  But I am not a trusting person, in any capacity, and to be free from the burden of constantly trying to analyze where I stand with God made a huge difference in my heart.  There is freedom in trusting.

At this point, I had gotten my perceptions about God’s character in line (at least, for the purposes of this particular work in my life), but I still didn’t believe He loved me.  I saw myself pretty clearly.  I knew how unlovely I was (am?).  Surely, God saw me the same way.  Why would He love me…how could He love me…when I was just not who I was supposed to be?  It felt like a daily, sometimes moment-by-moment wrestling match that went on inside me – trying to be the person that the rest of the world says is acceptable and beautiful and worthy – a wrestling match that always left me defeated and convinced that there was nothing about me worth loving.  Until, one day, when I told God that I hated who He made me, He responded with a forcefulness that stunned me.  I love who I made You.  For weeks and weeks I came back to that statement countless times, not understanding how it could be true, not wanting to let myself believe it, but knowing with a certainty that it was the voice of the Lord speaking to my heart.  No matter what else in life might be telling me otherwise, the truth is that God made me who He wanted me to be, and He did so because He found something about my form lovely and precious and worth creating.  Yes, this form is marred by sin, but the form is still me, and not someone else.  It was the last piece of truth that I needed to be convinced.

I still can’t say I fully understand.  Really, I think the whole truth of it is beyond comprehension.  But I know God loves me.  On my worst days, I know God loves me.  When life doesn’t make sense, I know God loves me.  When I feel unlovable to and unloved by the rest of the world, I know God loves me.  And He faithfully, patiently, knowingly moved in my heart to bring me to this place.  I’m at a loss for words to say how thankful I am.

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.  He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He restores my soul.

The Lord is the one who leads me, guides me, protects me and cares for me, though I am, by nature, ignorant and foolish and incapable – and because of this I can be content, I can trust that my needs will be met.  When I am surrounded by good things that I might be tempted to think I need, I can remember the provision He has already supplied, and find rest for my soul, instead of a striving to obtain those good things that won’t actually benefit me.  When I have need of refreshing or sustaining, He is faithful to direct me to that which will accomplish this for me.  He knows me well enough to know what my soul is lacking, and what will fill it completely…and He loves me enough to not only know, but to also do whatever is necessary to bring me peace.

He guides me in paths of righteousness, for His Name’s sake.

When I am following Him, the direction will always be toward holiness, toward Christ-likeness, toward sanctification.  Even if the way seems difficult or painful, I can trust that His leading is always bringing me closer to Him, and ultimately, He should be obviously glorified through my life.  If I am unable to see Him being lifted up through any of my words, attitudes, or actions, I need to check myself and make sure I am being led by Him.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

In the midst of life’s worst and most hopeless circumstances, I have hope, I have peace, I have confidence because You are with me.  There is nothing that could possibly come against me that can remove me from Your care.  And though, at times, Your discipline and guidance and searching of my heart can be painful and humbling and confusing, they remind me that You are with me, and will faithfully and gently keep me in all my ways.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.

You are my provider.  No matter what may come against me in life, You are able to meet my needs.  And You aren’t inconspicuous about it.  You are fully confident in Your ability to protect me from danger, and perhaps, even take joy in the opportunity to remind the enemy of my soul that a life submitted to Your care cannot be undone.

You anoint my head with oil;

You take care of me.  You see any hurts that I may have and You care for them, carefully, personally, gently.  My healing comes by Your hands, not my own.

my cup overflows.

I have so much more than I could ever need.  You are continually pouring Your life into me.  You are generous beyond what I can hold or comprehend.

Surely, goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life

I don’t have to chase after You, You are pursuing me – certainly, constantly, faithfully.  You look for ways to bless me and remind me of how much You love me – and that will never, ever change.

and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

The only holy, perfect, all-powerful, Creator of the universe, Lord of lords, King of kings, Almighty God has invited me to spend eternity with Him.  Unfathomable.