Sometimes, it’s hard to write about the things that are on my mind and heart.  Sometimes, they are just too random that I feel incapable of forming cohesive sentences.  Sometimes, they are too personal…revealing more of me than I would like.  Sometimes, I worry that I might offend someone.  But sometimes, I feel like I am about to burst if I don’t write something, so even if the words come out in a confusing, embarrassing, offensive mess, I write.  That’s what this post is today.

There’s a lot on my heart and mind right now.  There are wonderings of whether I am really doing all I can for God.  I mean, I’m sure the answer is no, but am I possibly doing worse than I imagine?  I don’t necessarily feel like God has called me to a lot of soapbox-type of ministering.  What I feel compelled to is more often the opposite…closed rooms, silent moments of kneeling before Him, pleading with Him, “standing in the gap” for people and circumstances, believing with all my heart that God hears and answers.  But is there more?  I wonder and examine my heart and motives.  I second guess myself.  I think about my fears and question if they are hindering me from something more.  You know what, though?  I have come to the conclusion that God knows me and He is faithful to me.  What I mean is, He is going to let me know what I need to know.  If I have to wonder or worry, chances are, whatever I am wondering or worrying about is not important.  If I am honestly seeking Him, He will help me with the rest.

I also have been thinking today about how God sees us when we are hypocritical…when we honor Him with our lips, but our hearts are far from Him.  If we come to Him with the right words, the right outward expressions, but with our own plans and purposes, might we offend Him?  I know that one version of 1Corinthians 13 says that love takes no offense, but it seems like there were times when God did take offense in the Bible…even if that wasn’t the word used.  To one of the churches in Revelation (pardon me for not looking it up at the moment), He said that He wished they were either hot or cold, but because they were lukewarm, He would spit them out of His mouth.  Sounds a lot like offense to me.  And the condition of that offense sounds a lot like many Christians today.  We’ve put God on our level.  We’ve made Him our friend and confidant.  We’ve counted our plans as being as good as His, as long as they seem good, even if we haven’t consulted Him on them.  We’ve decided that He wants us to come and sing at Him with smiles and clapping for exactly 20 minutes, and that He will feel worshiped.  What I think?  He would prefer silence over performance.  He would take a heartfelt “thank you” over a declaration shouted because that’s what everyone else is doing.  He would rather half as many people show up at a church service if it meant that the appeal would be found in Him and not in the “everything else”. I think He’s jealous for our time and attention and praise.  I think He’s waiting to be truly exalted, which by necessity, means we will be low in comparison…humbled.  I think He wants to be seen as more than a friend…I think He wants to be seen as holy.  Or maybe, more appropriately, HOLY…because He’s not like us. He is so much more, and He deserves everything we have to give, and more.