Today…

…everyone slept until 9am.  Now if I could just explain why I still feel exhausted…

…Ava was awake for about an hour, then went back to sleep until 2pm…but not before spitting up all over me.  I think maybe she’s not feeling the greatest.

…I got all of the ingredients for chili thrown into the crockpot before noon, only to realize just before 3 that I never plugged it in.  Huh.

…I ate 3 cookies for lunch.  I gave my kids veggies.

…Tim mentioned the possibility of getting our kids a Wii for Christmas (I know, I know…we are so far behind with anything technological).  I don’t love video games, but I’m trying to be objective.  It’s hard.  But it would make shopping easier.

…I folded 3 loads of laundry.  I actually kind of like folding laundry.  Putting it away is a different story, though.

…I have a slight headache.  Nothing debilitating, just enough to sap motivation.  I guess that’s okay, though.  My baby girl is wanting to be held, anyway.

…I am living in a bit of denial that Christmas is less than 3 weeks away.

…Ava is 3 months old today.  And I have been so blessed by her in those 3 months.

…and, finally, a verse – because it showed up twice in my devotional time this morning

But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise You more and more.  My mouth will tell of Your righteousness, of Your salvation all day long, though I know not its measure. —Psalm 71:14-15

Some days my heart just hurts.  I feel strongly the weight of living in a fallen world, pressing down on me from within and without.  This doesn’t normally happen on days when trials are obvious and my defenses are up, but rather on almost-there days.  The days when a part of me thinks that maybe I’ve been wrong about my perceptions…maybe my earthly hopes are not in vain…maybe it’s okay to open my heart a little – these are the days I am reminded of why I stay in my corner, hiding.

It hurts to realize, again, that there’s nothing more for me in those places I most want to find something.  It hurts to not understand why.  It’s hard to understand the discord between what will one day be for eternity and what is for now.  It’s hard to cling to promises in the face of disappointment.

It makes me want to curl up and cry and ask God to change things…and sometimes I do…but I am learning, too, that even though life hurts, God is still good to me.  His heart is for me, and I can trust my heart in His hands.  When I can’t see a light in my circumstances, I have hope in Him.  It doesn’t always feel like enough.  But it is.  It is always enough.

Time hasn’t really been seeming to fly, but when I consider that my baby girl will be 3 months old soon, my head spins a bit.  Her entrance into this world, and our family, has been more seamless than any so far.  Usually my early newborn days are clouded by long, sleepless nights and an emotional rollercoaster that make feelings of normalcy hard to come by.  Not so, this time around.  I have been (mostly) even-keeled and last night, Ava slept from 10pm until 7am, woke to nurse, then went back to sleep until 11am…when I woke her up claiming that she’d been asleep long enough, but really just wanting to hold her for a while.

She has been such a blessing to our family.  The two things that almost everyone says upon seeing her are that she is so sweet (and I know, this is not unusual to say about a baby, but we hear it all.the.time and it’s what first comes to my mind when I look at her, so I don’t think it is as generic as it might seem), and that she looks like she belongs in our family…which is weird, because I don’t think my kids look alike, yet when I look at their baby pictures, I see Ava in each of them.  She belongs with us, and that makes me happy.

In her first days with us, as I prayed for her, and snuggled her and thought about who God had called her to be, the word that came to mind over and over again was “peacemaker”.  Not just bringing peace to circumstances and conflict, but bringing peace to tumultuous hearts and broken lives.  And so, I pray for God to work this out in her life – to use her to minister His peace to hurting souls .

She is such a gift and I cherish these fleeting early days of her life as God begins even now to shape her life for His glory.

We got home last night.  Here, some random snippets of our trip to Michigan and Wisconsin…

…an absolutely, unbelievably well-behaved baby.  Three nights of 8+ straight hours of sleep, and minimal crying in the not-so-well-liked carseat.  Smiles and giggles for the many participants of the pass-the-baby game that seemed to happen wherever we were.

…two-hand touch football with my family, which quickly brought the realization of how woefully out of shape I am, followed by the hopeful reasoning that being 10 weeks postpartum was a good enough excuse.

…stressful moments, and renewed conviction of the need to pray for those I love.

…a huge hotel room that comfortably fit our whole family.

…lots of bad-for-us food.

…cousins playing and being loud.

…learning about quilting and siamese cats.

…visiting a great-grandma and great-great-aunt.

…staying with an unsaved brother-in-law, trying our best to demonstrate the love of Christ in a not-necessarily-kid-friendly house.

…foggy nights, lots of coffee, cookie baking, potato peeling, a few unfamiliar faces and lots of family

…church where hearts were seeking Him, with family members who need to find Him again.

…the same six cd’s (yes, I know, cd’s…I’m resistant to technological advancement) played over and over again for the 1600+ miles traveled…and speaking hope and conviction and joy to my heart the whole time.

…of course, turkey and stuffing and potatoes and cranberries and pie.

…pizza and movie night done a little differently.

…an indoor waterpark, swimming with grandpa, a playground and a “house” made of tree branches.

…frayed nerves, too little sleep, gracious hosts, missed routines, memories made, happiness to be home at the end of it all.

By the time we left for Michigan on Friday, I was actually excited for our trip.  My anxiety from the previous day was gone and I was ready to make the most of our time with family, as a family.  During the 11+ hour drive, I was thankful for the peace and happy anticipation that I had about the trip.  God hears prayers, and whether the request was mine or others’, somehow I appreciate blessings more when they come as an answer.

Right now we are done visiting my family.  We leave for Wisconsin in the morning.  I’d like to say that it has been an entirely fun and refreshing time, but the reality is that visiting my family can be hard, for a number of reasons.  By the time we headed back to the hotel last night, I was pretty frustrated.  But God reminded me of who He has called me to be.  He challenged me and convicted me, yet at the same time whispered peace to my heart.  Life can be so much easier when we remember why we are.  And I am thankful both for these couple days here – the refining and reminding (as well as the family I love)- and for the life I have been blessed with that is far removed from what I knew as a child.  God is ever faithful to me.

Tomorrow we leave for 8(?) days of visiting family in Michigan and Wisconsin.  It is sort of last-minute…as in it has only been a thought for about 2-3 weeks.  I will get to see all of my brothers and sisters (with the exception of one sister-in-law), but the main impetus for this trip is to see my big brother, who will be coming from North Carolina to visit my parents.  We haven’t seen him for 2 years, and in January, he is deploying to Afghanistan for a year.  It seemed like almost a necessity that we forgo our natural tendency to want to plan a trip like this with more advance notice and planning so that we could be there to see him.

Still, it is stressful for me.  I don’t like packing…more specifically, remembering all of the odds and ends that, for whatever reason, can’t be packed until the last minute.  I don’t like the thought of traveling for upwards of 10 hours tomorrow, after already having an early morning because of Friday school, with a baby girl who is decidedly not fond of her carseat.  And while hotels and eating out are highly anticipated by our children (I think there will be some lobbying for IHOP pancakes and Culver’s butter burgers…which are as bad-for-you and delicious as they sound) the price tag, cramped quarters, “lost” time, and completely thrown-off routine that come with them is hard to look forward to with a light heart.  I will be happy to spend time with both my family and Tim’s, but I am honestly already looking forward to being home.

I guess that’s how life works, though.  On most days, I could give you a long list of reasons why I would want to take a spontaneous vacation.  Home can be stressful.  Routine can be taxing.  Just being together as a family in a place where our extraneous responsibilities are minimal is often very appealing.  It’s easy for me to long for something other than my portion for the day.  I suppose it could be seen as a typical “grass is always greener” scenario, and I couldn’t argue with that.  The other truth of it, though, is that I will always be lacking something as long as I’m on this earth, and that’s not a matter of perception.  This life isn’t meant to fulfill me.  There will costs and difficulties associated with just about any worthwhile endeavor.  I need to remember, though, as I think about each day and what it holds, that I have a God who has promised to strengthen me and lift me up, and who will cause each day to work for my good.

So, now, despite my internal urge to go hide in a corner, I will do what needs doing and trust that God will sustain me and help me even in my prone-to-wanting-greener-grass outlook.

With November come a lot of “thankful” sentiments from, it seems, every direction.  Even non-Christians find value in thankfulness…and are able to see good things in life for which to be thankful.  As I consider thankfulness [and this may come as no surprise to those that know me], I struggle to find those good “things” that, when pondered, are expected to lift my spirits and cause all of life’s frustrations to fade into unimportance.

Really, I can easily identify blessings in my life, but they often don’t stir my heart to thankfulness.  I tend to think it is a bit contrived if thankfulness is borne of temporal provision.  If I say I am thankful for a healthy child, and tomorrow my child is sick, I’m left searching for another object of thankfulness.  And honestly, I think there are probably people for whom there are seasons with next to nothing to really be thankful for.  I would rather be thankful in all things, recognizing something that is good, but not claiming it as the reason for my heart’s thankfulness, yet also being able to acknowledge when something isn’t good and not feeling like I have to be thankful for that particular thing to still have a thankful heart.

The truth is, I have an eternal, unchanging, overarching reason for thankfulness.  I know I have said it before, but I like the reminder that my search for a reason to be thankful should begin and end with the cross.  I don’t need any more reason, and when I feel the need to search through my life for other things, my focus is averted from that one wholly sufficient reason.

Yes, I do still thank God for the blessings He gives me.  I am glad that my life is not devoid of good things, but my point is that I need to never elevate those things to the point where they are necessary for a heart-posture of thankfulness.  Having said that, I do think it is good for me to acknowledge those blessings upon occasion, not necessarily to project thankfulness, but more so to take the time to recognize His grace to me that goes so far beyond what I need or deserve…icing on the cake, I suppose.  So, here are some blessings in my life today…

…my baby girl.  She is sweet and gentle and beautiful.

…Tuesday pizza and movie night.  It is one of very few routines that we have managed to stick with for years (more than 5, at this point).  For now, my kids still get excited about it and that makes me happy.

…I got up when I first woke up (or, rather, was compelled awake by an awake baby), instead of trying to sleep longer in some vain attempt to feel rested.

…a better-than-yesterday-sore-throat.  I like being able to swallow without pain.

…an easy math lesson with Bethany.  She is very smart, but there are still days when it just.doesn’t.click.  I am glad that today was not one of those days.

…peace about the election today.  Some might consider it apathy, but it’s not.  I have confidence that God is bigger, despite the fact that neither possible outcome seems favorable.

…a knowledge that God is my fortress and refuge, defender and deliverer and that I don’t have to be strong enough.

…Tim’s working-from-home status.  I feel bad taking advantage of it, but it was awfully nice being able to vote today without five kids in tow…and it’s great to be able to share almost every meal with him.

So, there are some good things.  My life is full of blessings.  But if I lose them all, may my thankfulness not waver.

There is a common perception among Christians lately that the way to connect with someone else is to only talk about that person.  So, maybe I am an anomaly.  But, I don’t feel connected to someone when they ask me questions.  I feel awkward and uncomfortable and not at all like I am connecting with a person.

I appreciate the thought that goes into it, and I can understand why the other person would walk away feeling like they connected.  After all, they learned something about me (maybe).  They might actually feel like they know me a little bit better.  But I, on the other hand, learned nothing about them.  Instead, I walk away feeling like the other person isn’t comfortable sharing anything about themselves with me.  I feel distant and like I have just been the recipient of some well-intentioned, yet obligatory, exercise in “caring”.

And I know, how I feel shouldn’t matter in my interactions, but I tend to think that it is a fair assumption that I am not the only person in all of humanity that feels this way.  So, maybe, there are people who aren’t being reached through this method.  Maybe there are others like me who find connection in seeing that someone is willing to share more of themselves than just a minute or two of time.  Maybe demonstrating love to someone isn’t based on a formula, but on a heart that actually loves the person, and seeks, in each circumstance, to figure out what will make that person feel loved.

I won’t pretend to be great at this.  I know I’m not…I have a lot of fear at the thought of showing love to people.  But I also know I would rather have one conversation with someone who actually wants to be talking to me, than innumerable conversations with people asking me questions because they think that is how everyone forms connections.

I haven’t actually heard it in a long time, but it is the worship song that most consistently comes to mind when I am going through my days.  It still challenges me.

That I might gain Christ

VERSE 1
What I once called gain
I will count as loss
I’ve been captivated by the cross
You steal my breath away
With that display of love
I want to see the face
Of Your glorious Son

BRIDGE
Lord be my single vision
I’ll run my race to receive my crown
But You are the greatest gift I’ve been given
Help me lay all my other treasure down

CHORUS
That I might gain Christ
That I might know You
That I might find life
Help me lose what I must lose
That I might gain Christ
That I might gain Christ

VERSE 2
When I didn’t have You
Lord I was naked and poor
But now I’m clothed with Christ
And I need nothing more
So come and dwell with me
Spirit inhabit my heart
May I behold in full what I now see in part

God’s love is a pursuing love.  Relentless, really.  It is constant regardless of how I (or others) respond.  It is not deterred by rejection or lessened by the ugliness of sin.  And I expect that.  I expect that when I try to hide or run away, God will be pursuing me…that He will woo me back to Himself, that He will reaffirm His love for me and do so with convincing gentleness and grace.  Sometimes, if I’m honest, I am quick to run away because a part of me is selfishly wanting the reassurance that comes with Him pursuing me.  Childish, I know, but even in those moments, He pursues nonetheless.

My husband’s love is a pursuing love, too.  I know that he loves me enough to chase after my heart if we’ve had a disagreement, or if I am pushing away, or distrusting his love.  My husband doesn’t stop pursuing me when he sees the worst in me.  And sometimes, if I’m doubting his love, I will pull away, just to make sure he’s still pursuing.  Again, I know it’s childish, but he pursues me nonetheless.

Clearly, I have an expectation of being pursued in love.  It actually does carry over to just about every personal relationship I have.  If I’m not being pursued, then I conclude that I’m not loved.  And you know what?  I don’t think that’s very far from true…but, I think that application of it is misplaced.  Because the reality is that, as much as I expect to be pursued, I do very little pursuing.  If other people are like me, then it’s likely that few people would trust my love for them.  Yes, I pursue my husband and my kids.  And though their trusting of my love is more important to me than other people trusting my love, I don’t think that’s why I pursue them.

I think I pursue them because I trust that they won’t reject me. I’m already confident of their love, so there’s no risk in the pursuit.  In some ways, I think this is natural.  We love God because He first loved us and gave Himself up for us.  Something inside of me was made to seek that assurance in love.

But, here’s the thing…I have that assurance already.  God loves me with the only perfect love I will ever know, and as tempting as it is to have the same expectations of others as I have of God, that’s not, I think, how it’s supposed to work.  Instead, I am supposed to love others the way that God loves me.  I am supposed to pursue, despite the possibility of rejection, despite the likelihood that, at some point, those I love will prove themselves not very lovable (that’s kind of part of the human condition, right?).  I’m supposed to love sacrificially.

Honestly, that scares me.  I’m nothing if not overprotective of my heart…to the extent of thinking I can guard it better than the Lord can.  I don’t like rejection, hurt, and discomfort.  So, I can’t say that I’m going to walk away from this blog and automatically know how to be pursuing in my love.  But, I need to try.  I guess recognizing that is a start.