I started the day today with a bad attitude.  Maybe it had something to do with the heat that makes me nauseous when I attempt to do anything.  Maybe it was because of thoughts I seem incapable of taking captive, or restless sleep, or a messy house, or any of the other frustrations of life that I regularly cite as I plead with God for help…or, perhaps more honestly stated, as I accuse God of not being my ever-present help.  Whatever the reason, though, I was not pleasant…and that’s putting it kindly.

By the time I got around to taking a shower, I really just wanted to hide from life.  So, as I let the cold water (because the thought of taking a hot shower today was pretty much unbearable) drown out the noise of the day, I just cried, and asked God to help me see something other than the ugliness and imperfections of life…and of me.

I would like to say that, in an instant, my perspective changed.  But, really, God has almost never worked that way in me.  I stayed in the shower for as long as I could possibly manage (ie – until children became unruly to the point of needing oversight).  My bad attitude didn’t dissipate into thin air.  But, there were subtle changes…a moment of seeing good in a child in spite of failings, a remembering to hold my tongue rather than letting a harsh word slip out, a willingness to at least try to accomplish something instead of writing off the day.  Mostly, though, there’s just been more of a peace about this day.

It’s not the “answer” I would most prefer…no great revelation or heart-breaking conviction or overwhelming sense of God’s presence…but something much more like a “still, small voice” that I could easily overlook.  I don’t entirely understand why God chose to respond the way He did.  But His response was enough for me for today.  And I am thankful for that.

Some days I just can’t seem to do anything right.  I mess up countless times in countless ways.  Big ways, some of them.  And I can’t see anything good in me.  I feel ugly, inside and out…worthless.  Repentance is mostly avoided in favor of self-pity and I figure God probably doesn’t want me coming to Him anyway.

Then I hear this song and cry my eyes out.  Honestly, I don’t fully believe it.  But, in the midst of hopelessness, it gives me hope.  Hope that maybe the incomprehensible can still be true.  Hope that maybe, somehow, He is able to love what I see as unlovable.

Relationship is important, right?  Having people (even if only a few) who you trust to tell you the truth, hold you accountable, encourage you, rebuke you, genuinely want to be around you…and vice versa…is a desire (need?) that just about every person has.  I suppose it isn’t necessarily uncommon, though, for that yearning to be buried and suppressed by fears or hurts or perhaps myriad other feelings that take precedence in a person’s heart and life.  Isolation is sometimes self-inflicted.

But, sometimes, it’s not.

And it’s hard to be exhorted on the value and necessity of relationship, to try as much as you know how to form relationship, to make efforts that go against the grain of who you are – because who you are is just not good at relationship-building, to walk down every available road presented….and to still be alone.  It’s harder still to feel like others think it’s because you’re not trying.

If it were only that simple.

Life lately has looked like…

…small snippets of time in the garden, trying to make some dent in the weeds.  It mostly seems to be a fruitless endeavor, but we have plants growing nonetheless.  Everything we planted except for cauliflower and peppers have at least sprouted.  While this is far from a guarantee they will actually produce anything edible, I am always amazed at how clearly gardens reveal God’s creativity and provision (to me, anyway).

…a kitchen that is slightly torn-apart.  Believe it or not, this is a necessary step to remodeling our upstairs bathroom…something to do with a header that needs to be added to the kitchen ceiling, before we can jack up the floor(s) and put new support posts in the basement so that we no longer have slanted floors in our upstairs…which we would like done before remodeling the bathroom (which includes moving a wall) so that we can have proper measurements and angles and such.

…the discovery of [more] faulty wiring in the house (thanks to the mild bit of demolition in the kitchen), which has resulted in yet another circuit being switched off for the time being.  This means our entire upstairs has about one outlet that works and our kitchen has one outlet and just the light over the sink.  Tim has always said he would have liked to live a hundred years ago, so I joke that we’re living more and more like people did then all the time ;).  I think I would have to draw the line at chamber pots, though.

…lots of thinking about God’s expectations of me, and realizing how little they actually have to do with me.  I can’t say I love the frequent reminders that have come lately about how self-centered I really am, and how God-centered I tend to not be, but they are obviously needed, so I am thankful for them.

…trying to clean my house.  It’s slow.  I’m trying to set realistic expectations so that I can maintain motivation from day-to-day.  This means I get about one room really clean each day.  I’m not sure how that works for a long-term goal of keeping the whole house clean, but it’s a start.

…mentally preparing for starting the next school year in about a month.  I had hoped to get a jump start on phonics with Nathanael before then, but I’m not sure if that will happen…even with his frequent requests to do so.

…lots of baseball practices and games.  We tend to just take everyone to all of them.  It may be more effort than it’s worth, but by the time 6pm rolls around, the thought of being outside seems so much more pleasant than being inside doing something productive, that we go.  It has its fun moments.

…getting big, and not just my belly.  It always happens, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it, right?  I just remind myself that there’s a good reason for it all, and will try to continue to remind myself for the 18 months or so after delivery it will take me to get not big again.

…looking forward to 3 months from now (or so) when I will have a precious new baby in my arms.  There’s a lot to get done between now and then…most of which I don’t remember on any kind of normal basis because my brain is functioning at about half its normal capacity…but even if things don’t quite get done “in time”, I’m pretty sure the baby won’t know or care.

And, that’s life.

Right now, I am trying to work up motivation to go shopping.  And actually, it isn’t the shopping itself that has me hesitating, it’s that I have to drive to get there.  I’m tired, today.  Tired to the point that at 10:45 in the morning, it hurts to keep my eyes open.  And though I don’t have a problem staying awake while driving, I do have a problem staying focused enough to really feel safe.  It’s almost comical, how I drive when I am tired.  I have the hardest time maintaining any kind of constant speed, the car manages to find it’s way onto the shoulder of the road as though I had no choice in the matter, I don’t notice speed limit changes that I otherwise remember without even seeing a sign, and my ability to gauge how long it will take me to brake becomes somewhat impaired.  Maybe this doesn’t sound awful…I know a couple people who just naturally drive like this…but when it happens to me, I get kind of scared, ’cause it isn’t the norm.  Even more so when I have my kids with me.  So, I’m hesitating.  I drank a cup of coffee, but it doesn’t seem to be waking me up at all.  I would nap, but inability to get comfortable enough to sleep is a big part of the reason I am so tired to begin with.  Writing a fluffy blog post hasn’t awakened me any more, either (I didn’t really think it would).  Oh well.  It’s not like we’re gonna starve if shopping doesn’t happen today, right?  Right.

Today, Tim turns 34.  I know, he’s old ;).  But I am thankful for those 34 years that have helped shaped the person he is.  I am thankful for the 12 of those years I have been able to celebrate with him.  And I look forward to celebrating many dozens more.  He is kind of special to me, after all.

This morning was difficult.  I woke up with a headache, which prompted some early-morning throwing-up.  After everyone was showered and dressed, during breakfast, Elijah was complaining that his mouth hurt and proceeded to make some coughing sounds like he was going to throw up.  Then at the end of breakfast, maybe ten minutes before we planned to leave for church, he actually did throw up.

Normally, I am not one to use illness as a reason for missing church, but when the illness has the potential to make a big mess and cause distraction for others…and when I am really not feeling well myself…I tend to think staying home is justified.  And that is what I was advocating this morning.  Tim’s view, though, was that God could and should heal the tummy bug and staying away from church was like letting the enemy have his way.  In theory, I tend to believe the same…but, in practice? my faith falters a bit and I wonder what is really best.

Tim decided we were going, though, so we went.  And just as we parked the car, Elijah threw-up again.  I was pretty convinced that church was just a bad idea…and offered to drop the rest of them off and come back to pick them up when church was done.  And, like I said, I’m not prone to wanting to miss church for just anything.  I was convinced it was going to turn out badly.  Even so, Tim had me take the other kids into church while he cleaned Elijah up and decided what to do.  So, in I went and when Tim and Elijah joined us a few minutes later, I was a bit tense about the whole thing.  But, you know what?  Even with jumping and climbing and throwing himself around, Elijah gave not even a hint of an upset stomach.  He napped for part of the service, and when we got home, he devoured his lunch.  In the time it took to decide to bring him into church instead of heading home, he went from throwing up to totally fine.

While I have many questions regarding healing and how God answers prayer, I at least have to admit to my own readiness to give-in to illness and conventional wisdom at the moment push comes to shove.  But what is faith if not being able to look at circumstances that seem hopeless, and still trust that God is bigger?…to be able to walk into church and believe that God heard a prayer to heal an upset stomach?  It seems so simple, but it really defies logic.  I worry that somebody will find out that we brought our sick-but-with-something-that-will-eventually-go-away-without-“healing” child into church and think that we’re horrible, careless parents…that nobody will understand why we think we should be able to expect healing for something so “normal”.

Obviously, I even wonder if I should be able to expect that, sometimes.  Today, though, I was challenged to believe God for more.  I don’t want to limit Him.  I want to be able to defy logic, stand in faith, and let God show Himself strong.  I kind of think He’s wanting that, too.

Some days are just hard.  Some weeks are hard.  Today is a hard day, capping off a week of hard days.  A week of a hurting neck and back, a sliced finger, a perpetually “off” stomach, a forgetting of my parents’ anniversary (something I have never done and which I didn’t realize until 3 days late), and really poor sleep.  And today, bad attitudes abound, I am exhausted and, for some reason, just want to cry (which, I guess isn’t such a big deal since I cry at everything these days).  I know it is all nothing earth-shattering, but I sometimes think I could handle earth-shattering better than the straws that break the camel’s back.

But I didn’t start writing to complain.  I really didn’t.  What I wanted to say is that these past few days, I have felt God challenging me to see things differently – to realize that bad days happen, yet even so, an eternity of joy and peace and rest is secure for me.  I sometimes feel like I need to find a way to make the “good” aspects of a day outweigh the “bad”, when the reality is that trying to build a case for contentment or thankfulness out of the temporal things of life, whether good or bad, shifts my perspective off eternity.  But when I can see that none of this stuff changes the finished work of the Cross, I can learn to rest in the constancy and truth of God’s sovereignty and promise to work everything for good in my life.  He’s not thrown off by my bad days – so I shouldn’t be thrown off either.

And in learning to accept that the bad stuff won’t be my undoing, it is easier to then take the good for what it is – good things, blessings, that I can be grateful for without first stacking them up against the bad to see which outweighs the other.  So, on that note, some of the good things from this week…

…the discovery of pumpkin and tomato plants growing in our compost, which is particularly happy for me since the tomatoes plants are almost as big as I would be able to buy at the local nursery, so if my tomatoes from seed fail, I shouldn’t be left tomato-less…which I’m sure God knows would make me really disappointed.

…curriculum decisions made and materials ordered.  A big relief.

…the three day weekend ahead, and Tim’s birthday next week.

…the motivation to make a [small] dent in weeding the garden, even in spite of my sore neck and back.

…my husband (as always) who has taken over dish duty until my sliced thumb is healed enough to take over again.

…open windows and fresh air.

…pretty weeds that are nicely suited for warm-weather bouquets.

…children who are slowly starting to show signs of compassion and thoughtfulness, which I can only attribute to God’s grace, since they would be hard-pressed to learn such things from me.

…a growing baby who is making his/her presence known more and more these days.

All good things that require no comparisons to be deemed good.  I’m slowly learning.

You come to me, with burdens bare

heart weighed down and bitter words.

You tell me all, soul’s depth you share

but merely feign to call me Lord.

Whose words has your heart treasured so?

Whose whispered leadings bind?

When trials come and storm winds blow

where do you solace find?

I’ve promised grace, and strength each day

– My perfect love that never fails.

Yet, still you turn your face away

when common cares of life assail.

Do you not know?  Have you not heard?

I alone am God above.

I understand your every fear

and won’t grow weary in My love.

Know My voice and follow Me

– your burdens I will gladly bear.

Just let your heart be mine alone

and trust to Me your every care.

In case anyone is interested…and maybe a little for me so I can see it organized…here are my curriculum choices for the coming school year.  Caedmon will be in 3rd grade, Bethany will be in 1st and Nathanael will be in Kindergarten.  With the coming of a new baby in September, I [mostly] looked for materials that could cover all three kids at once, or that could be done independently of me.

History

Beautiful Feet Early American History – I wanted something covering American History that I could do with all three kids for the coming school year.  I probably could have managed this by continuing with Sonlight, but honestly, I didn’t want as much material as Sonlight includes.  And, for now, my goal is to take the full school year to do half of the curriculum, adding in “extras” for Caedmon if it seems too slow.

Science

God’s Design for Science by AiG – I’m going to order the full set, which (assuming I like it) will mean I can use it for the next four years, at least.  Again, all three kids can do the same curriculum, with different “levels” of information for different grades…and it is rather inexpensive for the flexibility it offers.  I haven’t decided which topic we will start with, though.

Language Arts

Caedmon – Bob Jones English 3 and Wordly Wise 3000, grade 4.  The Bob Jones curriculum seems fairly thorough, and I think will allow for a lot of independent work.  I will use Wordly Wise for vocab and spelling, and, again, I think Caedmon will be able to tackle much of it on his own.  I will put together a list of independent reading for him from suggestions in the history curriculum, and by perusing Sonlight’s reading list.

Bethany – First Language Lessons for the Well-Trained Mind, Level 1.  I really have no idea what this is like, but I’m just hoping for something basic to get the ball rolling on grammar with her.  I plan to copy some online spelling lists for her to use and have her read some of the simpler books from Sonlight’s second grade readers (which Caedmon used 2 years ago).  I also hope to pick some books from the Honey for a Child’s Heart reading list for her.

Nathanael – The Reading Lesson.  I used this with Caedmon and Bethany…well, I guess more with Bethany, since Caedmon finished it in about 2 weeks.  But, anyway, it seems to work.  I may also add in an Explode the Code book to reinforce concepts and give him something that he can work on independently.  I will probably also try to read at least some of the Thornton Burgess books that I used with the kindergarten curriculum for the other two.

Math

Caedmon – Saxon Math 5/4.  Even though I am sticking with Saxon, this was a tough decision for me.  I was leaning heavily toward Teaching Textbooks, and while I’m certain he would enjoy it, I was concerned about whether it would be at all challenging for Caedmon.  I was not thrilled with the thought of another year of Saxon, but with a different format for the higher grades, it seems a little less tedious while still being thorough and somewhat challenging.  Given the ease with which Caedmon grasps math concepts, I feel this is necessary to keep him learning for the full school year.

Bethany – Saxon Math 2.  Again, I didn’t really want to go with Saxon, and in all honesty, I may end up changing my mind if it doesn’t go well, but the cost (since I already have the lesson book) was low, so it’s not much risk.  I think the repetition and lack of colorful pictures may be best for Bethany to be able to focus on the concepts and get them really ingrained in her mind.

Nathanael – Singapore Math 1A/1B.  I have a love/hate attitude toward Singapore Math.  It is not how I would choose to teach concepts, but it seems to be working for my kids (for the most part).  There’s a good amount of independent work and it isn’t extremely time-consuming, so I’m going with it again.

Art/Music

Caedmon’s continuing piano lessons.  All three kids will be in CFA’s Friday Enrichment Program.  We sing together as a family (probably not something anyone outside our family would want to hear, however…).  I might decide to get a drawing skills book or an art appreciation book, but I think I will mostly try to find drawing / craft projects to do that correspond to the history curriculum.

Bible

The history curriculum has some Bible incorporated in, but each child will also have their own devotional time in the morning, and we will do family devotionals with a book on God’s names…I have no idea what this is like, but we will see.  I will also do memory verses with each child…I’m not sure what my approach to this will be yet.

And that’s it.  A bit haphazard, but it’s something, right?