I woke up at 5:00 this morning, and I lay in bed, trying to get past the nausea and discomfort so that I could sleep some more.  An hour later, I took a shower, then went back to bed to try again.  When I lay down, Tim, half awake, reached over and rubbed my back – knowing I wasn’t feeling good, knowing I needed sleep, knowing backrubs help.  I fell asleep, he got up.

He had a plan for today.  He wanted an early-ish start.

But, instead of starting on his plans, he started getting kids ready for the day.  He did the dishes (that were piled high because I had felt pretty terrible yesterday, too).  He assisted Caedmon in making pancakes for breakfast.  He let me sleep for 2 more hours.  When I got up, he offered to cook eggs for me, knowing that pancakes don’t sit well when my stomach is upset.  He washed the breakfast dishes for me and got kids started on their morning chores.   Eventually, hours later than he had hoped, he started on his plans.

He put me first.  He always does.

He is a continual example to me of sacrificial love.  When I think God has forgotten me, I am reminded, through my husband, of how undeservedly blessed I am.  I told Tim once that he wasn’t the man of my dreams…he was better than I could have ever dreamed.  It’s true.  And I am so thankful for him.

Yesterday, motivated by a string of rather unproductive days (weeks? months?), we decided a change of scenery was in order, so we decided to spend the afternoon at the Wild Center in Tupper Lake.  The kiddos were thrilled to see fish, turtles, otters, ducks and various other things that I wouldn’t have necessarily thought would captivate them.  We walked the trails and I was thankful for being able to be outside, in the shade of sweet-smelling pine trees, and get a small bit of exercise that didn’t involve gardening or going for a walk around the block (that can be nice, but gets boring kind of quick).  I was thankful for a loose agenda and time with my family that didn’t require any other doing.  And you know what?  Later, when children were in bed – even though I had been awake since early and had probably exhausted myself, physically, more than I had in a while – I had motivation to be productive.  Granted, I hadn’t left myself much of the day to accomplish things, but nevertheless, a changing table got repaired, cleaned and organized, a car seat got taken out of storage, disassembled and cleaned, and a cradle got pulled out and cleaned, too.

Today, though there hasn’t been a fast pace by any means, things have been steadily getting done.  Tim is working on gutting the back section of our upstairs, and I have canned some sweet pickles, made refrigerator summer squash pickles, and baked a double batch of banana bread.  Hopefully, at the end of the day today, we will not feel quite as overwhelmed as usual on a Saturday night.  I really don’t often mind when projects take a long time, or when to-do lists are really long…I just like to see progress.  So, despite the fact that there is no “end” in sight to the work that needs doing on and around our house, today it is enough that something has been accomplished.

today…

…up at 6:30 (early for me), not because I was well rested, but because my body ached too much for me to go back to sleep.

…everyone bathed/showered and dressed by 8am.

…breakfast done being eaten by 9am (for us, this is almost unheard of).

…an hour and a half pruning tomato plants.  Probably not the best idea on little sleep and in muggy weather for this 8-months-pregnant lady.

…an episode of vomiting before lunch (most likely caused by the gardening exertion).

…lunch, and an episode of Master Chef.  I’m glad my kids seem to be on board with my love of cooking shows.

…some dishes washed.

…piles of laundry needing to be folded.

…a lower back that feels like it is going to go into spasms.

…trying to figure out dinner.  I have to use some of my squash.  Ugh.

…a very active baby, which is endearing in many ways, but does not help an unsettled tummy.

…a four year old who faithfully reports to me on the condition of our garden every morning after he empties our compost bucket, a 6 year old who is starting to love reading, a 2 year old who can melt my heart in spite of his recent defiant streak, an 8 year old who is willing to try just about any task I assign him (but who is especially eager if it involves food), a husband who loves me.

I’m having a hard time lately knowing what I can / should expect from God.  There’s the part of me that thinks He should be answering my prayers – that I should see improvements in different areas of life, that His provision should be clearer, that there should be proof that He really is taking care of me.  I think of scripture verses like Luke 11:9, James 1:5, Psalm 84:11, Matthew 17:20, etc. that promise answered prayers, reward for faith, good things for those following after Him.  These passages make me doubt that my faith is where it needs to be; they make me wonder if I’m falling much too far short in my attempts to serve the Lord, and that He is not answering (or I’m not hearing) because of it.  I think it is impossible to escape the necessity of faith in seeing God move in a life or situation…but where does the line get drawn between my responsibility and God’s?

Then there’s  another part of me that thinks maybe I just need to believe that the unanswered prayers, the clouded vision, the spinning wheels are really God’s way of refining me…of somehow narrowing my view of what He should be doing in my life to only include this moment, of removing the extraneous “felt needs” and attempting to convince me that – whether I like it or not – He is truly enough, of disciplining me in some painful ways so that, later on, the harvest will be greater.  Hebrews 12 and Matthew 6:25-34  simultaneously give me hope that God has a purpose that He is working out in my life, and frustrate me because I’m left wondering what, exactly, I can have faith for in daily life.

And still, there’s this last part that wonders if it is all just a part of living in a fallen world.  In John 16:33, Jesus promises that we will have trouble.  In Philippians 4, Paul talks about contentment in every circumstance.  Clearly, life can’t be perfect this side of heaven, and while I sometimes tend to think the “troubles” I encounter should all have a deep spiritual meaning, maybe there are times when it really is just life…maybe God’s sovereignty, while not limited, still allows for my life to be touched by the reality that sin – mine and others –  isn’t without temporal consequence.

I know these aren’t exhaustive thoughts.  I haven’t fully processed all that I really know / believe about this particular topic.  But, I know it isn’t a new struggle.  I know that I waver on what I believe about how God should be at work in my life.  It affects so much about how I view life, the future, my own walk with Christ, my trust in God and His love, and what expectations I should place on myself and Tim as we strive to follow the Lord.  Reality is probably some balance of all those things, and maybe more.  For now, though, I will try to just simplify it all to the belief that  “God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” – Romans 8:28.  Somehow, regardless of the “why” to my circumstances, I have this promise that it will all result in good for me.  It’s not an easy lesson, but hopefully, I will learn it eventually.

Right now…

…baby is head up.  I don’t think any of my babies have been head-down by this point, but it is nerve-wracking nonetheless.

…I waddle, even when I try hard not to.  Oh well.

…I have gained 50 lbs.  I don’t know why I ever hoped this pregnancy would be any different in the weight-gain category.

…I am nervous about labor.  The thought of it all happening at home makes me more worried in some ways, and less worried in others.  Really, I’m just trying to boil it all down to trusting in the fact that it is all in God’s hands, anyway.

…I have officially reached what I like to call the “beached whale” phase of pregnancy, where flipping from one side to the other while trying to sleep has become a monumental (and sometimes amusing) venture.

…my kiddos like to feel the baby’s head (since being head-up makes it very easy to locate).

…there’s heartburn.  Fun.

…many of my maternity shirts have become too short.  Thus is the plight of a long-torso-ed (?) pregnant lady.

…my stomach is usually upset throughout the mornings, so I sit a lot.

…my brain continues to be in a fog, so expecting me to remember anything or make sense of anything is a pretty big gamble.

…I sweat if the temperature is above 70 and I am doing anything.  And on really hot days, my body is convinced that I am going to dehydrate, so it hordes water as if I were preparing for a trek across the desert.

…I am debating my need for a new carseat for the baby.  The “official” answer Tim got from the “seatbelt expert” at the State Police was that there is no law concerning carseat expiration and that nobody checks anyway.  My thinking is that I have had the same one for all four kids and would like something different.  I’m just not sure boredom justifies the expense.

…I’m really kind of hoping this baby doesn’t come late.  Of course, hoping doesn’t really affect the actual outcome (or, at least, hasn’t so far).  Still, I get impatient by the end, so I occasionally indulge in wishful thinking.  Practically speaking, though, I should probably be hoping for as much time as possible to get things done before this little one arrives.  It’s possible that pregnancy makes me slightly less practical than usual, though.

And those are my musings with 5 weeks (+ or -) left to go.  While it may not necessarily seem like it, I am so excited to meet this little one.  I am thankful for the inconveniences of pregnancy that remind me of the life that is being formed, and assure me that his or her arrival is drawing ever nearer.  And when this baby is here, and I can’t imagine how we lived life before, most of the pregnancy woes will be, at most, a faded memory – shadowed by the joy of a perfect little life entrusted to us.

No “nesting” here.  No great motivation.  No feelings of accomplishment.  Instead, there is school work getting done in fragments.  A few small jars of refrigerator pickles made.  A few short minutes of dishwashing, trying to make whatever dent I can in the piles (that are not completely overwhelming only because Tim washed many this morning).  A glass of water that doesn’t agree with my stomach, but which I hope will help my headache.  A bunch of veggies and some chicken pretty much thrown into a pan that somehow needs to become something edible for dinner.  A mental note to let an extremely eager 6 year old help in the kitchen.  A quick load of extraneous laundry started.  A tablecloth finally getting put on the table, after a few days of being neatly folded beside it.  Brief online searches for sconces and baby carriers and squash recipes.  Worship music playing to help me try to keep some perspective.  Instructing children in various random tasks to help maintain some kind of order.  Thinking about gifts for my soon-to-be five-year old’s August birthday.  Crying over my inadequacies, but then trying to convince myself that there must be a reason God made me who I am.  Reading Psalm 71 and being reminded of God’s goodness to me.  Fighting back fears and worries about this upcoming labor and delivery.  Reminding myself that He is enough in all of this.

My eyes don’t want to stay open.  My body doesn’t want to let me stand for more than a few minutes without sending waves of nausea and great fatigue.  My brain doesn’t want to let me carry thoughts through to completion.  And, unfortunately, this has been my usual state for several days.  Rather than making huge strides toward getting tasks accomplished before a baby arrives, I am finding daily tasks to be too much for me.  I wonder why.  I get discouraged.  I feel completely inadequate.  I wish I could be a better wife and a better mom.  I try to see God in this, but it’s hard.  I guess life is just hard, sometimes.

It seems I have a long way to go before I fully embrace all that it means to eat fresh, local, organic vegetables.  Namely, by not screaming and crying upon finding small, green worm-like things when cleaning broccoli.  Actually, I found one and went into mild hysterics.  Tim continued the cleaning and chopping process and found four more.  Then, when he was pretty sure he had found them all, said I could inspect to make sure.  I found another one, threw the broccoli piece and ran out of the kitchen again.

Now, to be fair, I have been nauseous all day and vegetables in general have been cause for my stomach to churn…so I wasn’t in the best frame of mind as I was cleaning the broccoli, to begin with.  Plus, the worms (well, actually, upon looking it up, it seems they are moth larvae) are green and blend into the broccoli.  The discovery caused me to be a little petrified that I could have missed them and ended up serving them for dinner.  And I’m pregnant, which of course means that all of my emotional reactions are a little bit extreme at the moment.

But, still, it made me yearn just a little for whatever pesticide-laden, shelf-stable, genetically-engineered broccoli I might find at the supermarket in which I have never yet found little green worms.  I guess some mindsets are hard to break.

Today…

– we were all awakened at 6am by the very loud thunderstorm.  I love thunderstorms.  I don’t like waking up early.  I like it even less when my kids wake up early.

– Tim has a hurting arm/shoulder…some combination of softball and digging and weeding in the garden did not serve him well.  Any movement is causing significant pain, which is highly unusual for him.

– I have a headache (probably thanks to the change in weather) and, consequently, an upset stomach.  Both adults in the house feeling under-the-weather = a very unproductive day.

– Elijah has had several days of really unpleasant diapers.  This probably has something to do with his habit of eating (and drinking) anything he can, including candles, bubbles solution, crayons, dirt, and more.  He also had a couple days of orange pee.  Thanks, Crayola.

– Our house is a mess.  It really is amazing what one day of no housework can cause.

– Someone called wanting to see our camper.  It is the first person to show any interest in the more than two weeks we have had it advertised.  But it only takes one person, right?

– I wasn’t all that excited to get our CSA share today.  Mostly because when my stomach is queasy, raw vegetables are one of the least appealing foods to me.  The return of pregnancy nausea may cause problems for making the most effective use of our garden and CSA vegetables.  That is very disappointing to me.

– Nathanael told me I am the nicest mommy, Bethany made Tim an “I hope you feel better” card, Caedmon did a lot of extra tasks around the house, Elijah was cute and made me smile a lot.  I’m happy they’re mine.

…and that was our day.  I’m thankful there will be new mercies tomorrow.

Sometimes, I feel hopeless.  I question God, and I doubt His Word, and I don’t trust that He will take care of me.  I conclude that my faith is just really, really small – that I don’t truly know Him at all.  For as much as I think I try to seek Him, it seems I keep coming away with a lot of false perceptions.

But, I am realizing that even in my perceptions of how I perceive things I end up giving the enemy a foothold, if I’m not careful.  It’s easy for me to confuse my feelings with my beliefs, and it can be hard to tell the difference sometimes…so I often think that my faith is faltering because I feel abandoned, or I feel doubtful, or I feel any number of other things that would indicate lack of belief.

The truth, though?  When I am faced with the choice of acting on my feelings or acting on what God says is true, my feelings don’t often rule the day.  While I have a definite weakness for saying what I’m feeling and thinking, rather than confessing the truth of the Word (and I recognize my need to fix this), when I have to really put stock in one or the other, I choose God.  Often I worry that I’m wrong, or that I won’t be able to stick with a decision for faith for any length of time, or that God will fail me, but underlying it all is an unwavering conviction that God is all that He says He is, that He does somehow really love me, and that my life is secure in His hands.

But even if I don’t forget that when I am forced into a decision, I do forget it too often in daily life…and it steals away the peace and joy I should have from what my heart knows is true.  And that needs to change.