I’m needing a perspective adjustment this morning.  Life is pressing in, a tangible weight that slows my pace and draws my gaze from the only place it needs to be set.

We got home last night from a few days spent visiting family.  It was a good few days.  I love my parents and my brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews.  But the stirring up of that deep affection always brings with it twinges of heartache.  Nothing’s perfect, and it can be hardest to see the needs in the lives of those you love while feeling helpless to make anything better.

And today, everything else is crowding in.  The little things…piles of laundry, a sparse refrigerator, an interrupted routine, aches and pains that make me feel way older than I am.  And the big things…heart wounds, fears of failure, struggles with a sin nature.  It all makes me want to give up, to blame God, to be convinced that there’s nothing good in any of it.

So I ask God for help, and He reminds me – Jesus is the answer.

Because of Jesus, I can come boldly before the throne of grace when I am in need of mercy and grace.

Because of Jesus, I have confidence that there is hope for those I love, even when I feel helpless.

Because of Jesus, I can find freedom from fear, knowing that the God who defeated the grave is able to do immeasurably more than I can ask or imagine.

Because of Jesus, I can trust that God sees all of me – every sin, every failure, every weakness…as well as every bit of me that is unlovely and awkward and not even close to being right…and loves me unconditionally.

Because of Jesus, I can face today knowing that God is with me.  And God is for me.

Jesus is the answer – for today and always.

I was on the treadmill when the song Big House by Audio Adrenaline started playing.  It’s a fun, upbeat song.  A good running song.  But this time, one line of the song knocked the wind out of me.

All I know is you need love, and I’ve got a family.

And I started sobbing, right there in the middle of running.

I’ve got a family???

I thought we were loved.  I thought we had a family.  I think maybe the one thing worse than not having something you long for is to think you have it, only to find out when you most need it that it isn’t there after all.

I understand not turning a blind eye to someone caught in unrepentant sin.  But this isn’t a sin issue.  It’s just not.  We have kept the Bible as our only standard and even after earnestly searching for how we might have been wrong, our consciences are clear.  Nearly everyone in our “family” has chosen to not care enough to even find out what the truth of the situation is, though. People who are supposed to believe the best of us have been more than willing to believe the worst of us, have chosen to avoid us, have witnessed in silence the harsh consequences that have gone beyond even what the Bible deems necessary when someone is walking in unrepentant sin.  I guess it would be a lot to expect anyone to respond differently.

But this is not at all like love.

This is not at all like family.

I guess now I know.

Empty backpacks hang in the closet.

There are unused lunch boxes in the cupboard.

Friday mornings come with an extra twinge of heartache and, I admit, most of the time I feel like this is injustice of the worst kind.

The answer to how are you? has become simply the same.

Nothing’s changing…or, at least, these particular things – these big things – remain hopeless.  But there are little ways in which things are better.  Areas that have nothing to do with the big things, except perhaps to remind us that God can always find a way to make His grace evident, even when life’s trials threaten to overwhelm.

And I’m thankful for that.

It would be easy to be hopeless otherwise.

finding this song challenging me today

What is God teaching me?

patience

how to hold loosely

that He always has to be enough

that I can’t understand everything

that when my heart feels nothing good, He is still good

to persist in prayer no matter what circumstances say

that it’s okay to not plow forward, it’s okay to just stop and rest and let Him take care of me when I’m broken and weary

that the worst treatment I could ever experience…the biggest misunderstanding, the most unjust judgments, the most heartbreaking rejection – and more…are still unimaginably less than what He has endured for me and from me

that I need Jesus, always and desperately…there’s no life apart from Him, no hope apart from Him, no truth apart from Him…He is everything

But what things were gain to me, these I have counted loss for Christ. Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having my own righteousness, which is from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which is from God by faith; that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death, if, by any means, I may attain to the resurrection from the dead. —Philippians 3:7-10

here it is, Lord

I give up

we have done all we know to do

we have searched Your Word

we have searched our hearts

we have sought Your face

and still it’s broken

no, not just broken

obliterated to dust with no hope of ever being fixed

I don’t think I’ve ever thought that anything was broken beyond hope before

even so, it’s hard to walk away

it’s hard to give up on this place and these people that we love so deeply

but we’ve been given up on, so what can we do?

people who don’t know us somehow think they know our hearts

and they have turned away because of what they think they see

our words don’t matter to them

Your fruit in our lives doesn’t matter to them

the full counsel of Your Word doesn’t matter to them

so, I’m done

I have to be

but You don’t have to be done

God, be glorified

I’ve heard it expressed in recent months, from a number of people, that it’s perfectly acceptable to purposely not have anything to do with a brother or sister in the Lord.

Without sin offense.

Without communicating to the person why you can’t stand them.

Without actually even communicating that you can’t stand them, but leaving no room for any other conclusion.

Sure, there’s the assertion that a person wouldn’t be able to be outright rude and mean…cordial greetings would be necessary when contact is unavoidable, but nothing more than would be extended to an unbelieving stranger.

And I’ve found myself just completely dumbfounded by how this behavior could seen as legitimate.  I’ve pondered many of the biblical references to love and see no room for this posture of distance and disinterest.

³⁷ Jesus said to him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ ³⁸ This is the first and great commandment. ³⁹ And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ ⁴⁰ On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.” —Matthew 22:37-40

Here, it is clear: we are called to love  our “neighbor”.  Granted, some might try to argue that being brothers/sisters in Christ might not necessarily automatically qualify someone as a neighbor, but I think that is an unrealistic stretch, especially considering the importance many other scriptures give to relationships among believers. For example,

³⁴ A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another. ³⁵ By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.” —John 13:34-35

So, we are supposed to love our neighbors as ourselves, and we’re supposed to love one another as Christ has loved us.  I would think these two verses alone should be enough to convince a person that Christians purposely rejecting other Christians is in opposition to Christ’s very specific commands.  But in the event that someone could argue against this, there are still many other verses that talk about what love is

¹⁸ My little children, let us not love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth. — I John 3:18

Here, it seems clear that a “cordial greeting” which would, at best, be loving in “word or tongue” is insufficient to fulfill our responsibility to loving other believers.  I Corinthians 13…the “love chapter”…gives even greater detail of what God requires of our love.

⁴ Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; ⁵ does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; ⁶ does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; ⁷ bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. —I Corinthians 13:4-7

One of the obvious implications of these verses is that interaction is a necessary component of love.  While a couple of these attributes might be applicable to simply how one responds to a distant knowledge of another person (not envying or thinking evil of a person, for instance), characteristics of love like longsuffering, kindness, not behaving rudely, bearing all things and enduring all things can only be demonstrated in relationship.

Even in how we treat unbelievers, our love is meant to be walked out in our actions.

³² “But if you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. ³³ And if you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. ³⁴ And if you lend to those from whom you hope to receive back, what credit is that to you? For even sinners lend to sinners to receive as much back. ³⁵ But love your enemies, do good, and lend, hoping for nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High. For He is kind to the unthankful and evil. ³⁶ Therefore be merciful, just as your Father also is merciful. —Luke 6:32-36

And the Bible is clear that we are to be even more loving to other Christians.

¹⁰ Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all, especially to those who are of the household of faith. —Galatians 6:10

In all of these verses, I see no room for distancing oneself from another believer.  Not that everyone has to be great friends, which is an obvious impossibility…but to purposely erect a dividing wall and remove every possibility not only of friendship, but of any demonstration to one another and to the world of a bond in Christ is anti-biblical.

I understand this is much more black and white in theory than in practice.  I recognize that there are certain personalities that generate friction and that loving some people is much harder than loving others.  But we can’t conclude that just because something is hard, just because we have a sin nature that tempts us to respond to a person in an unloving way, that we get to just avoid a person altogether.  There just isn’t room for that response in how the Word of God speaks to relationships in the Lord.

How firm a foundation, ye saints of the Lord,
Is laid for your faith in His excellent Word!
What more can He say than to you He hath said,
To you who for refuge to Jesus have fled?

In ev’ry condition— in sickness, in health,
In poverty’s vale, or abounding in wealth;
At home or abroad, on the land, on the sea,
As days may demand, shall thy strength ever be.

Fear not, I am with thee, O be not dismayed,
For I am thy God, I will still give thee aid;
I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by My gracious, omnipotent hand.

When through the deep waters I call thee to go,
The rivers of sorrow shall not overflow,
For I will be with thee, thy trials to bless,
And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.

When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,
My grace all-sufficient shall be thy supply;
The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design
Thy dross to consume, and thy gold to refine.

The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose,
I will not, I will not desert to his foes;
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I’ll never, no never, no never forsake!

I’m used to waking up with worship lyrics going through my head.  The last few days there’s been nothing, though.  I’ve tried throughout the days to focus my heart and really worship, but with few exceptions, it has seemed an exercise in futility.

I think the truth is that I don’t want to let myself trust God right now.  ‘Cause what if He fails me?  I couldn’t handle that.  As much as being disappointed by other people hurts, at the end of the day, I do know that I’ll eventually get over it.  But if God somehow ended up being anything other than I know Him to be, I would be done.  Devastated beyond hope.

So, I’ve been keeping Him at arms length – subconsciously, I think.  I purpose to not hope that He will prove to be the amazing, good, faithful God that He keeps insisting that He is.  I’ve hesitated to run to Him with all of this hurt and all of this fear because I don’t want to be vulnerable.  Not on purpose necessarily…it’s just my natural defense mechanism.

But when I turned on worship music this afternoon, my heart melted.  As afraid as I am that God might let me down, I need Him right now.  I need Him always.  This life is impossible if I’m not purposely entering into His presence.  Even though a part of me wants to be skeptical, there remains a certainty anchoring my soul that He is everything that I need Him to be, and that He loves me.  And I love Him – as scary as that is to me sometimes – I love Him more than life.

I feel helpless.  For big reasons and little reasons, life has me grasping at the wind, desperate for something to hold on to that will make anything better.  I’m not a pull yourself up by the bootstraps kind of person.  I’m flailing.  All of the things that I’ve never felt good enough at anyway are slipping through my fingers more and more.  All of the things that I’ve never quite been able to organize are just becoming more of a mess.

And what I find perhaps most frustrating is that I don’t actually care about much of it.  Honestly?  How well my kids learn history doesn’t matter to me.  Diagramming sentences seems absolutely ridiculous.  I’m not bothered by dust on the bookshelves.  Most days, I don’t even notice unfinished window trim and peeling wallpaper.  But for various reasons, these are all things that have to matter to me, whether they really do, or not.  And I should be able to do something about all of them.  The problem is that there are things that are monumentally important to me, that I desperately want to fix, that are out of my hands.  So, I am distracted and unmotivated with the rest of life because my brain burns itself out trying to solve an unsolvable problem.

I’m failing.  And I wonder where God is.  Why isn’t He helping me?  Why can’t I sleep more than a couple hours without back pain?  Why can’t I exercise without getting headaches?  Why is it so hard to follow a schedule, or speak gently, or correct schoolwork?  Why are we alone in this?  Why are we in this at all?

I ask, but I don’t get answers.  It makes me want to give up on all of it.