Let me start off by saying that I’m not really a “natural” at the homeschooling thing.  It is tough for me.  I’ve never loved learning (gasp!)…at least not in the ways I was mostly taught (public school, college, forced learning about other things that I just truly needed to know about but had no good resources for information).  I HATE school projects / activities of almost any kind.  I have a really hard time seeing the “educational” value in something if there isn’t actual, tangible value also there.  So, most projects for children are nothing short of really annoying for me.  Add to all that the fact that I am incredibly lazy, and indecisive, and analytical, and lacking in self-confidence…and you have someone who is just not “cut-out” for homeschooling.

Thankfully, I have really bright kids (totally not bragging here, they just really are), so I skate by with minimal effort.  Seriously.  Like, Caedmon taught himself math this year, and I only know that to be true because I occasionally correct a big pile of worksheets he’s finished and realize, “wow, he actually understands this stuff”.  And Bethany has a fantastic memory (when she is paying enough attention to actually hear what’s being said).  I am extremely grateful for God’s mercy in my weaknesses in this particular area of life.

Even so, when this time of year comes around (aka – curriculum decision time), I panic a little bit.  I have spent many hours researching options for the next school year, and you know what I have figured out?  That I am pretty clueless as to what I want to do.  It’s not even that I just have a couple great options that I hate to have to narrow down – it’s that I can’t even decide what approach I want to take.

A part of me loves textbooks and worksheets and tests – go ahead, call me weird, but I love the structure, the clarity, the consistency of such things and I always have.  Even when I was in school, I would rather sit down and take a test for the whole class time than venture outside to find bugs and examine plants, or spend the time listening to someone read me a story.  And though it’s not a popular opinion, I do see value in this type of education.

However, while I don’t think my kids are horribly averse to some of this type of learning, they are also kids who spend their play-time outside looking under rocks for worms, and catching dragonflies, and watching over unhatched bird-eggs, and just generally wanting to explore their surroundings (things I don’t recall ever wanting to do).  I feel like I would be doing them a disservice to try to make them fit the mold of what I’m comfortable with.  But, can I just say again that I really don’t like educational “activities”…especially when it means that I have to organize and ask questions and, well, honestly…think?

So, I am stuck on what to teach, how to teach, how much to teach next year.  I know a lot of people benefit from discussion with other homeschooling moms, but I don’t.  Firstly, I am just not like most of the other moms I know when it comes to this stuff…so how they perceive a particular curriculum is often not how I would.  And secondly, I am an experiential learner.  Something can sound like the most wonderful thing in the world to me, but it may end up being one of the worst things when I try putting it into practice.  Or something that sounds boring or difficult may end up being exactly what I needed.  And I just don’t know until I try it for myself.

I’m trying – really, really trying – to not feel discouraged or incompetent or hopeless when I hear about other moms “perfect” curriculum plans for next year (’cause, somehow, they do always seem perfect).  I’m trying to persuade myself that it’s okay for me to be different, for my kids to be different, and even for me to mess it all up every once in a while.  I’ll have a 3rd grader, a 1st grader and a kindergartner next year, and if you asked me what I remember learning in those grades, I would probably say “nothing”.  So, I’ve concluded that whether the direction I go is perfect or a big disaster, it will likely not ruin my kids’ education in the long run.

At least, that’s what I’m gonna tell myself.