There are some sin issues in life that I have a hard time owning up to.  I don’t know exactly why, but there is a certain pride in me that shows up when I have to face them.  The past few days, and in church this morning, I have been faced with some of those sins – jealousy, self-centeredness, selfishness, and covetousness.

It hurts a little to even write it, I think maybe because it pulls at the roots of something that is pretty firmly established in my heart.  These things have been there…well, for as long as I can remember.  And I’ve known about them, I’ve acknowledged them to myself….but that acknowledgement usually comes with a host of excuses, and a subsequent dismissal of them as being something I don’t need to deal with.  Brilliant, huh? The reality is that they are ugly, unacceptable sins that I need to not be okay with.

However, that’s much easier said than done, I’ve learned.  Because I’m not prone to these sins for no reason.  There is, in fact, one thing that always comes up along with each of these sinful attitudes.  It is probably the biggest struggle I have had in my Christian walk, and it is such a basic thing that I don’t know why it still throws me for a loop.  It is this: there is a significant part of me that just doesn’t believe God loves me.  So when I see someone else with good things (material, spiritual, relational, etc) and I just can’t see anything good in me or in my life, it makes me more convinced that I just don’t matter to God.

I’m sure that sounds ridiculous.  Knowing God loves you is, like, Christianity 101.  And though I have moments of really believing that He loves me, my heart becomes convinced far too easily of the lie that He doesn’t.  I don’t know why this is such a stronghold in my life.  And I don’t know how to really get past it.  I just know that, somehow, I need to figure it out.