For almost nine months, I spent most of my time sitting on the couch with no energy or motivation to do much of anything.  It was fairly normal as far as pregnancies go.  But it made me hopeful that the end of pregnancy would bring with it the return of the ability to be at least mildly productive on a regular basis.  Ironically, though, I am finding that energy and motivation and opportunity are not the only things required for productivity.  I want to get things done.  I am not utterly exhausted (which was previously unheard of for me at only 2 weeks post-partum).  Ava spends a good amount of each day sleeping, which means I have time that I could get things done.  And I am going stir-crazy not doing things.  The problem?  My body just isn’t on board with the whole “getting things done” thing.  I feel great until I stand on my feet for 15 minutes, at which point my body feels the need to remind me that I gave birth 2 weeks ago and it is not ready to get back to business as usual…or until I realize that my perineal tear, which should be well on its way to being healed by now, is still…well…not healed, and that I should therefore be avoiding all activity that could be preventing or hindering that healing.  So, I sit.  And I watch Tim try to manage all the things that I can’t do as he works only half days at work.  And I hope that one more week will make a big difference in what I can do, since Tim will be back to full days at work next week.

Oh, and there are kids.  Four other little ones who have needed schooling and supervision and correction.  A little one, in particular, who has needed extra mercy and training and attention, and who has left me occasionally dumbfounded as to how much he has been affected by the entrance of his baby sister.  Just trying to manage them leaves me struggling to find patience and wisdom, and feeling torn about what is best in each moment of this new season of life.

I have many moments of feeling like I am in over my head.  Too many mornings these past couple of weeks have passed without me remembering to open my Bible for a few minutes.  It affects me, and my attitude, and my perspective.  I know God knows that my heart isn’t to put Him on the back burner…but I also know how much I need time in the morning to set my eyes on Him, and that my days don’t look pretty when I don’t.  And more than anything these days, I need my perspective to be right.  So, I will adjust…to finding a new morning routine to help me remember to keep Him first, to figuring out how to separate necessary tasks from the non-essentials, to a new school routine, to unpredictable sleep and unexpected changes in attitudes.  And someday, we will realize that we have found “normal” for us…but I will try to not miss the life that happens in the process.