I want to say that life lately has been hard, but I worry that I would be misunderstood.  I mean, it has been hard, but anyone who reads this blog would likely think that not at all unusual for me to be saying.  The thing is, though, when I say hard this time, I don’t mean quite the same thing…I just can’t really think of a better word at the moment.

What’s been hard?  Well, a lot of things…the same things, mostly…persistent baby blues, erratic sleep thanks to a little girl who just won’t settle on a routine, feelings of constantly failing, frustrations with feeling alone and misunderstood, struggles with child training and chore charts and self-control, wondering why God made me the way I am, times of hopelessness and aimlessness and uncertainty.

But there is a difference.  Despite the muck and mire of circumstances, some things have been very clear that never were clear before.  The biggest thing?  In every moment, I have had confidence in God’s love for me.  When I feel like nothing in life makes sense, there is peace because I know, more certainly than I know anything else in life, that God loves me…and not just generically, but zealously, completely, steadfastly, personally.  And it has become an abiding knowledge where once it was a fleeting recognition.  Instead of being the first thing to get blown away by the storms of life, it has become the bedrock that shows itself to be secure and enduring when everything else flails.

I think that has helped me to see my hard moments differently, too.  Because I trust God’s love, I also trust that every circumstance will work out for my good, I trust that He hasn’t abandoned me, I trust that He will be faithful even when I fail.  Though I complain and question and despair at times, instead of blaming God, I turn to Him for comfort and strength and hope.  I am learning that when I have Him, I have all I need.  He has become my sufficiency.  And I guess if it takes frustrations in life to cement that truth in my soul then I will be thankful for them.