A few weeks ago, I sat staring at Ava and thought, “she could be my last one”…and then, immediately following that, thought “God, please don’t let her be my last one”,  the latter thought startling me in what it revealed about my heart.  I hadn’t really gotten to the point of thinking about more children, yet.  We have sort of had a one-at-a-time mentality, but even with that, the decision to have more has always been stressful. There’s a lot that makes me want to run away from the thought.  There are things that make me question my motives.  But, in that moment, without any of the other stuff clouding my thoughts or making me second-guess myself, my position on “more” was clear.

Yet, even knowing that, it’s a hard decision to make.  Well, for us, anyway.  Because pregnancy and delivery are more stressful to me than anything else in life has ever been, by far.  Because we are alone here, and managing a large-ish family alone is scary.  Because we have a million things that need doing that would get put on the back burner, again.  Because my body is not back to pre-pregnancy shape and I dread the thought of sixty more pounds, again.  Because I feel like I’m failing with the five kids I have, why in the world would I consider having a sixth?…and I could probably go on.

But what it comes down to – what it always comes down to – is, are we going to trust God?  Honestly, in my last pregnancy and delivery, God lavished grace on me in every way…He answered prayers and made it easy.  So easy.  He proved His faithfulness to my ever doubting heart.

But, my heart still doubts.

Different circumstances mean things almost certainly couldn’t happen that same way again, and somehow, my mind has decided that He’s not resourceful enough to provide such an ideal outcome for me a second time (or, really, a fourth time).  And so I am left needing to bring it all to Him again.  I know He is able to speak peace into these thoughts that are, for me, anything but peaceful.  I know He is faithful and good.  I know I can trust Him.  I might just need Him to remind me sometimes.