I have always had a problem with grace and mercy.  I haven’t always recognized the problem for what it is, though.  I remember, as a child, one of my mom’s coworkers would often sign us up to receive a food basket at Thanksgiving or Christmas from his church.  There were many times when we counted on that food, not just to have a nice holiday meal, but to simply have enough to eat otherwise.  Despite that, though, I can remember feeling guilty about the fact that we were the recipients of such generosity.  I worried that someone would figure out that we didn’t actually deserve it; that the reality of why there was no food in our cupboards would be found out and they would regret showing our family such kindness.

It never really crossed my mind that it might not matter why.  I never thought that someone might just want to meet our need, without concern for how we came to have that need in the first place.  I had no concept of receiving anything other than exactly what was deserved.  And I still don’t.  I don’t know how to receive anything else and, likely far worse, I don’t know how to give anything else.

I think maybe the reason I have been so slow to realize this is that I can, at times, go to great lengths to find a reason why someone is deserving of something.  I try to rationalize bad behavior and search for explanations for wrong choices.  I try to convince myself of how good things have been earned.  Really, I try to justify sin and turn free gifts into simply what is owed to a person.

But when I can’t…when I can’t see sin as anything other than the ugliness that it always is, when I can’t persuade myself that a blessing is merited…I resort to being judgmental, envious, stingy, angry, frustrated or hurt.  This is how I respond to others.  This is how I respond to myself.  I know it speaks volumes about my understanding – or lack thereof – of God’s justice and the sufficiency of Christ’s sacrifice.  It’s not that I can’t explain it, but somewhere between my head and my heart, the truth gets lost.  I have moments when I recognize my failings in this area and force myself to respond in a manner that I know is right, but it is so hard.

I am acutely aware of the difference between my heart in this and God’s.  Every time I think about the cross and about how undeserving I am of all He’s done for me, I am overwhelmed by His goodness and I am so, so thankful.  But, it doesn’t make the slightest bit of sense to me.  Knowing that He sees the worst parts of me, and loves and forgives me anyway?  It’s baffling.  It’s amazing.  Still, it’s how I want to be.  I want to be like Jesus.  I want to have God’s heart.  It can seem absolutely impossible, knowing the heart I have now.

But He can change my heart.