I’ve felt a little apathetic lately; a little stagnant; a little bit like I just have no idea what the point of some circumstances is, and I’m tired of staring at a cloudy, muddy mess, so why bother any more?  I try to tell myself that there’s a reason for everything – that God has a plan that will work out for good.  And I believe it.  But, I just want to see the end already.

Patience is not one of my strong suits, and neither is being okay with not understanding and not being understood.  I pray with, I admit, a fair amount of doubt.  Maybe I’m just wrong…it’s been known to happen.  But, honestly, I think that might make life easier.  I’m okay being wrong.  I can admit it and move on.

The problem – the thing that makes my faith falter – is trying to figure out how things work out if I’m not wrong.  If that’s the case, then it means someone else is wrong, and I don’t have the same confidence in others’ abilities to accept, admit, and move on.  Does that sound prideful?  I suppose it could…but, in reality, admitting fault is one of few areas of my life that I have no difficulty with…and is an area in which I’ve often seen others struggle.  Add to that – incomplete communication, deeply ingrained philosophies which lack clear biblical backing, and staunchly held negative perceptions, and I am prone to think that even prayer is not an effective enough recourse.

I know I am making God small in my eyes, and perhaps turning a molehill into a mountain, but there is a part of me, too, that thinks there are deeper issues here – that perhaps there are reasons this is so difficult that extend beyond what I can see and understand.  So, I pray for circumstances, but then I pray for faith, too.  Faith to believe that God can work in any situation; faith to believe that when I can’t see, God still sees; faith to believe that He honors my prayers lifted to Him with a sincere heart, even when I don’t know exactly what it is I’m praying for.  Because He knows – He knows – so I don’t need to know.