A little more than six years ago, a group of pastors and elders decided to kick us out of our church. There was no biblical sin offense, and they would later tell our new pastor that they had no sin offense against us, that we just didn’t “fit” their “culture”.
It was an earth-shattering experience for us that left us with a lot of pieces of life to try to put back together, and while we have come to be grateful to not be a part of that church anymore, in my many months of searching scripture about forgiveness, I came to the conclusion that God does not ask, much less require, us to forgive an unrepentant Christian. And believe me, I KNOW, this is not at all the popular “Christian” view on the matter, but the full counsel of scripture, to my mind, makes this clear. Jesus himself said in Luke 17:3 “Take heed to yourselves. If your brother sins against you, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him.” (emphasis mine). Even the Lord’s prayer, that is so often referenced when someone states we have to forgive everyone, asks God to “forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us” and while we obviously don’t want to be disqualified from God’s forgiveness, since when does God forgive us without repentance? Does He expect us to offer a more far-reaching forgiveness than He offers? On the contrary, I John 1:9 says “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins…”.
There is also absolutely nothing in the Bible about forgiveness bringing freedom to the person doing the forgiving, nor in general about forgiving someone for our own sake, as are popular opinions on the topic. I’ve concluded that the concept of what forgiveness even is can vary widely, and that, often, it is misunderstood as not allowing oneself to be bitter or resentful – which would be a sinful response to an offense, not unforgiveness. Needless to say, I have felt that those church leaders six years ago sinned against me and my family in a number of ways, and as there has never been repentance, I have not forgiven them…as in, I believe they are walking in sin, and will be judged by God one day for the sin they have not confessed as sin. As I have had basically no contact with any of those men these six years, I haven’t really had to figure out how that gets walked out; the biblical example given for an unrepentant brother says “with such a one, do not even eat”, which, while helpful for understanding that there is to be no relationship, is not helpful for how to respond to a passing interaction.
So, today, when I happened to be in the same place as one of those men, and despite me desperately trying to keep my back to him, he said “Hi, Lori. How are you?”, I just said a tight-lipped “Fine,” and turned away. In truth, had I been a more confrontational sort of person, I’ve imagined that if ever such a situation arose, I would like to give him a piece of my mind, telling him he had no business speaking to me, much less, asking how I was. But as it was, he did not make any further attempt at interaction, and I tried my best to ignore it.
After the fact, I thought that maybe I would write a post about why my response was justified, why the fake pleasantries of such an interaction are distasteful and dishonest, even about how it is important to me that my kids (one of whom was with me at the time) don’t ever have the opportunity to misinterpret the intentions of such people, who had knowingly and persistently hurt our family. But as I got on the treadmill this afternoon – honestly intending to listen to some music that would remind me of the grace God showed us in bringing us out of a bad church situation – my mp3 player had just started the song “The Walk” by Steven Curtis Chapman. Toward the end of the song, there is a refrain based on Micah 6:8 that repeats “do justly, love mercy, walk humbly with your God” over and over again. And as I was listening to that, the words “love mercy” pierced my conscience. Love mercy. Love MERCY. See, the interesting thing about mercy is that it is all about not giving someone the punishment they deserve – acknowledging a sin, an offense, a hurt as warranting a negative consequence, but choosing to show kindness instead.
The Holy Spirit convicted me of my own lack of mercy, and I pushed back, trying to justify that choice, but the realization I came to was that God shows each of us mercy every day of our lives, regardless of our standing with Him. Our sin doesn’t just earn us a cold shoulder or a heated rebuke from the offended, but death. And yet here we are. God tarries in punishing us to see if we might, in time, choose repentance, forgiveness, eternal life. And His word makes it clear that it is His kindness that leads us to repentance. In our unrepentance, He is kind to us. While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. His kindness doesn’t mean forgiveness. One day, every sin will be accounted for. My hurt and offense, and very strong belief that judgment awaits those walking in unrepentant sin, doesn’t give me the right to be unkind. I am not the judge. I am not the One who has the responsibility to mete out justice, now or ever. My responsibility is to LOVE MERCY. God help me to love mercy.
He has shown you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God? — Micah 6:8