Twenty-two years of marriage.  This year, my married life officially became longer than my pre-marriage life.  It’s funny, though, how in those first twenty-one years I thought I had so much figured out, and it feels like each one of these past twenty-two years have made me realize more how much I don’t have figured out.

Every year brings new challenges, and this past year was no different.  Tim has spent much of it not feeling well, and though (thankfully) no major health issues have been discovered and he is mostly recovered (no thanks to any of the myriad doctors he saw, though), the stress of many long months of symptoms, of appointments, of tests, of lots of expenses that insurance doesn’t cover, of so much left undone, of the unknown and of constant anxiety have been taxing.

I learned that some of my perceptions of Tim might have been slightly erroneous…like how I thought he always just ignored pain and illness and fatigue, when most of the time he really just always felt good (a completely foreign concept to me).  I also learned that what I thought was maybe me just being a good, godly wife in the past, was more likely just me having life really easy.  I was confronted with just how much I depend on Tim, and how grumpy I can be when he doesn’t meet my “expectations”.  Beyond that, there have been so many tense discussions…which crossed the line into arguments way too often…about how to approach things, what advice to follow, when to keep trying to find answers and when to accept that an answer might never be found.

In all honesty, we still struggle to find a compromise with some of these things, but, arguments aside, I do believe it is a struggle worth having.  It’s part of the way we balance each other out.  Tim’s nature is to be relentless, to magnify a problem so that he can fix it, to never stop until he has answers.  There are many areas where this is admirable, but sometimes he “misses the trees for the leaves”, his big picture gets compromised and he needs a perspective adjustment.  Less because of any wisdom or great communication skills on my part, and probably more because of exhaustion and bluntness, I have offered that different perspective. It isn’t always the better one, but it reminds him of priorities and sometimes (I think) helps him see beyond his own needs.  On the flip side, I have needed more lessons on how to extend grace, how to not expect perfect thoughts or behaviors from Tim (even knowing full well that nobody is perfect, I still have a hard time when I see imperfection in him), and how to see circumstances from someone else’s perspective.

I’ve thought a fair amount about how we will look back on these days…hopefully reflecting on God’s faithfulness, on lessons learned, with compassionate, gracious hearts.  But it has also made me thankful for an attitude toward marriage that is rooted in commitment, where figuring out a way through hard times is the only option.  How much more difficult and complicated does a situation become when a person, in addition to whatever problem they’re facing, starts questioning whether that problem crosses the line of “too much” for a marriage?  How many solvable problems just never get solved because two people were never really committed to working things out to begin with?

And I’m reminded of God’s commitment to us when we walk with Him.  In spite of our endless flaws, He faithfully works on us.  When we fall, He is always there to help us back up and to forgive us and mend our broken places.  Even though He is never the flawed, imperfect one, still God never ceases to be the most gracious, the most patient, the most persistent in this best-of-all-relationships we get to have with Him through Christ.  Seeing my own limits in these virtues, and seeing how continually I test these virtues in my husband makes me all the more thankful for Tim, yes, but infinitely more so for my Savior.

Not that lessons about God’s character are the only way I am blessed by marriage.  These lessons are possible in large part because of all the good I know Tim brings to my life…both when I am overwhelmed by it, and when I realize, to my chagrin, that I have been taking it for granted.  My love and gratitude for him grows in depth and complexity with each passing year, and I am so thankful for these twenty-two years, and hope for many, many more.