There are a lot of things going through my head that I think I would like to write about.  But, somehow, when I try, nothing comes out right.  Maybe I’m trying too hard, maybe I just don’t have a firm grasp on what I’m thinking, or maybe those things are just not meant to be said by me, right now.  Still, I want to write something that will express some part of the jumbled thoughts that I can’t seem to untangle, so I’m giving it another try.

I think my biggest hindrance in writing about things lately is that I’ve had difficulty seeing God’s redemptive workings in the midst of struggle these past several weeks.  And I am honestly striving to not write without somehow expressing how God has revealed his goodness to me through my circumstances. Yet, at the same time, I don’t want to paint a picture that shows more faith, or more insight, or more hope than I honestly have.

The reality is that I am struggling to see His face.  I find myself with conflicting desires and questionable motives, and at the end of the day, I sometimes feel like He’s just not okay with the meager offering I bring.  I tell myself that He’s not going to listen, or answer, or care until I can get “it” right.  And it can seem like circumstances support that.  There’s confusion in my soul.  My days are filled with unrest – physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.  It seems like the “devourer” is taking ground away from me.  I feel defeated and I wonder where it was along the way that I lost the battle.  I yearn for His presence, but I don’t know how to get there.

Most days, this is the condition of my heart and mind.

Sounds fairly absent of any understanding of God’s goodness, huh?  So, I avoid writing about it and I try to wrestle through it until I have an answer for why this is my portion right now.  I haven’t figured out the why, yet, though.  My vision is blurred and my soul is weary. The current condition of my faith feels hopeless.

But that doesn’t mean I am without hope.

Beneath all the wavering, crumbling walls that I have built, and sometimes tried to tear down, is an immovable foundation, and I always feel it firmly under my feet.  And though there are so many ways in which my faith is small and the meditations of my heart need to be brought into submission to Christ, God is gracious enough to give me reminders of His goodness – a moment of inexplicable peace in my soul, songs that have been on my heart being sung during worship at church, knowing that other people hear God saying some of the same things I’ve been hearing Him say – reminders that aren’t answers to my current struggles, but that help me to remember that I matter to Him, and that He is faithful to complete the good work He has begun in me.