For most of my adult life, I have sort of subconsciously felt that I have an agreement with God. I [we] would be faithful in giving, hold loosely to our material possessions, value family and faith above wealth always, seek Him diligently in financial matters….and in return, He would make sure that we would have smooth sailing in all money matters.
See, I grew up with absolutely no sense of material/financial security. We relied on food pantries, WIC, bottle collecting for enough money to buy a loaf of bread, etc., to make sure we had enough food to eat. There were always bills piling up, we rarely had new clothes, we sometimes missed school field trips because the couple dollars it cost to go was more than we could “afford”. Thankfully, we never went without something to eat, we always had a roof over our heads and clothes on our backs. But nothing ever felt like a guarantee. There was a lot of fear and there was a determination that my kids would never have any of those fears.
As I entered adult life, I’m sure I was somewhat naive. I believed that if I was faithful in giving back to God that money would always be there when I thought it should be there. And, at first, it kind of was. I guess because, in actuality, my faith was probably pretty small. God wasn’t about to give my tiny faith-for-provision muscle a huge mountain to move right off the bat. So, I guess I figured our “agreement” was intact.
Over the years, there were “small” tests that progressively got bigger, and over-the-top examples of provision that eventually gave way to provision that was simply “enough”. Stretches of questioning and worrying and trying to figure out where God was and what He could possibly be doing grew longer. Resulting provision, though in many ways smaller, was nonetheless, much more explicit. It became more obvious that God wanted us to see that it was Him, not us, that knew best. And He wanted us to acknowledge that He really was the one providing all we needed.
Yet, somehow, when we moved to NY, I thought that “phase” of life was over. I thought we had finally satisfied God that we were trusting Him. But, it seems that since we’ve been here, God has been intent on helping me see just how small my faith for provision actually is…by making it seem like we are losing on every side. We felt His leading to buy a house that cost more than we wanted to spend, and has ended up having more problems with it than we even remotely anticipated. We bought a camper when we thought we were going to build a house…though we could have backed-out once we realized plans were changing, we kept our word to buy it, knowing we didn’t need it but hoping God would honor our integrity. It turns out the camper had a leak…a significant leak…that will cost us more money to fix, and we will still not even be able to sell it for nearly what we paid for it. Our income, which from all appearances should be more than sufficient, is proving less than needed to cover expenses. And now, the company Tim is working for is shutting down for 2 weeks this summer…which means 2 weeks of no pay to add more stress to our struggle to see God’s provision.
Honestly, my faith is pretty small right now. For the first time ever, finances have become a source of contention between Tim and me. He has, in general, very different ideas of how to resolve financial issues than I have…and I have a really hard time just leaving the decision making to him. I mean, he hears my opinions, but the truth is, there are just some areas where we don’t see eye to eye and I’m struggling to have faith that God is ultimately the provider and He is the one I need to trust in.
It’s not that I want to paint a bleak picture. The truth is, we aren’t in any immediate need. We have money in the bank and aside from our mortgage, we have no debt of any kind. But, despite our best efforts, we are losing ground. And unlike other times when we have faced questions of provision, we are living in a place where income opportunities run pretty slim. There is no fall-back. God must provide or we will be sunk in time. I realize now that, in the past, there has always been a “safety-net” for my faith….a belief that there was enough opportunity and we had enough intelligence and skills that, somehow, we would always have enough. Here, I don’t have that belief. God is calling us to put all of our faith in Him…without any external logic, without any tangible guarantees.
And honestly? I don’t like it at all. I don’t like not knowing what’s next. I don’t like admitting that it’s not in my hands. I don’t like that God feels like this is the trial we need most in life right now. But I don’t seem to get a choice in this, other than how I respond. So, I will do my best to cling to my remembrance of God’s past provision. I will do my best to profess God’s promises for us. I will do my best to find some joy in looking forward to seeing just how God will take care of us. I will do my best, though I am sure it will not be good enough sometimes. But, then, I guess that’s probably why this trial is necessary…to make my best better, to make my faith stronger,and to help me see that God’s good enough is always better than my best, anyway.