Despite my best attempts to be honest, I find that I often fall into the trap of painting life with a rose-colored tint. This may seem laughable to some (that what I write is a rosier picture than reality) but it’s true. So, here is a dose of untinted reality.
I went to bed around 10:30 last night. I did not get out of bed until 7:45 this morning…and I’m still exhausted. Elijah screamed for a while in the middle of the night. I did not get up to check on him. I was too tired. I was fairly certain that he was having teething pain, since he has a couple molars pushing their way in. So, I tried to speak some soothing words to him in my half-awake state, and let him cry himself back to sleep. As usual, I slept poorly due to sciatic nerve pain, and arms and hands that routinely “fell asleep” during the night, and a sore throat that came out of nowhere.
Upon getting up this morning, I took a long shower (maybe 45 minutes?) and tried to ignore the random screams that came from my kids that had nothing better to do. Well, actually, they were supposed to be making beds, getting clothes out for the day and reading, but obedience usually doesn’t happen unless I check in on them every 15 seconds.
When I was done showering, I had one child take a shower, and once dressed, I proceeded to yell at another child for not having their bed made. No love or grace was demonstrated…I was just furious that this child had ignored very clear instructions, again. I bathed Elijah, then discovered crayon in his mouth when I brushed his teeth. I cleaned it out, scolding him all the while. I read my Bible (with obviously a great attitude). Caedmon made breakfast for the kids. I made my bed and made breakfast for Tim and me (milk has been bothering me, so we didn’t do cereal like the kids). It was now 9:30.
I read a devotional to the kids and asked a few brief questions. I played with the trainset with Nathanael and Elijah for a few minutes while Bethany worked on phonics and Caedmon showered. I checked my email and a few things online. I half-heartedly tried teaching Nathanael his numbers 11-20. Elijah ate another crayon. I got angry with Bethany for disobeying me. Caedmon loudly practiced piano. And I had worship music playing in the background but didn’t really listen at all.
I sent Bethany upstairs to take a shower, after explaining the same math problem to her 5 times. Then I decided to write here, because my day – my life – has me feeling like a big failure again. It is almost noon and I have gotten next to nothing accomplished today. And I kind of wish it was just about me being lazy. But it isn’t. My body aches. I am exhausted. I am still not entirely over a cold that I have had for almost 4 weeks. I spent one day this week with an upset stomach, another day day with a horrible headache and today I have a sore throat. I hate to make excuses.
And I wonder if everyone else feels like this all the time and just bites the bullet and does what needs doing anyway, or if there’s something wrong with me that I never feel good. In either case, I feel like I’m clearly not good enough and I become envious of every other mother / wife / homemaker out there who functions well on a few hours sleep, who gets up early, who has productive mornings, who deals patiently and lovingly with their children, who can force herself to get things done even when she’s sick.
How am I supposed to be okay with myself when I see those examples? I am not someone who gets challenged and convicted by seeing someone doing something better than me…I just feel condemned and hopeless. I don’t know how God can see me as someone worth His time, and since I often feel like He’s ignoring me anyway, it becomes really difficult to convince myself that I am. I know this is not encouraging or uplifting in any way. But it is honest. And I think sometimes people need to see honesty, even when it’s not pretty.