I tend to feel the need to explain myself, even if it’s just for my peace of mind…I hate to be misunderstood.  So, here is my explanation for my bluntness, honesty, and sometimes lack of “redemptive” tone in my writing.  It may seem a bit muddled, since it is something that I think has a lot of underlying motivations for me, but I’ll do my best to be clear.

First, I feel a distinct lack of honesty when reading most blogs and interacting with most people.  No, I don’t think everyone needs to share every last detail of how they struggle.  But, I do think that if somebody makes a point of sharing about God’s work of redemption in their lives, it is necessary to share what they are redeemed from, to some extent, and to remind those who are taking note that it is still a work in progress.  Honestly, if the struggles get glossed over and bad situations always presented in the best possible light, that just makes me think that, somehow, God’s redemption is working in that person’s life in a way I have never seen in my own.  From what I’ve been told, in theory, everyone has bad days, everyone has moments and behaviors that don’t get prettier with time, other than in the sense that, by God’s grace, that sin is covered and remembered no more.  So why does everything have to have a positive spin to it, even above and beyond just the remembrance that we are sinners saved by grace?  And why is it so terrible to let someone see that we have moments and days when our falterings are in the realm of our faith, too?  My salvation isn’t lost, and if someone cares enough to read what’s being written, or listen to what’s being said more than in just the snapshot of one conversation or one blog post, they can see that it’s just that I have struggles…struggles that I daily lift to the Lord and seek His help in overcoming.  And I think that’s something that is extremely important to see in someone who is trying to speak about redemption.

Secondly, I grew up with very little positive examples of how to successfully live life.  I know that sounds a bit overarching, but it is really true.  I was never shown in any capacity how to raise godly children, or keep a home, or be a submissive and loving wife,  or maintain a strong relationship with the Lord.  Nor have I had anyone in my life since becoming an adult who has taken time to “pour into” me their wisdom in these matters.  So, my recourse is to observe and set my personal standards by what I see and hear.  I know, it’s not ideal, but it is how I function…and given my limited options, I don’t think it is all that unreasonable.  However, this approach proves kind of hard when the only thing anyone lets others see is perfection.  If nobody ever says that they had an argument with their husband, or lost it with their kids, or failed to get the vacuuming done this week (or last week, or the week before…), my standards for myself get set set impossibly high, and I see myself failing at every turn.  Even if I can see that those expectations of myself are too high, I can’t lower them because I don’t have an acceptable lower threshold.  And you know what?  In the rare instance that someone does share a glimpse into the imperfectness of their lives, especially when it is easy to otherwise see God’s grace at work, they don’t appear to be less of an example of redemption and purpose, but more.

And it gives me hope that God can still use me in spite of me.