I’m having a hard time lately knowing what I can / should expect from God.  There’s the part of me that thinks He should be answering my prayers – that I should see improvements in different areas of life, that His provision should be clearer, that there should be proof that He really is taking care of me.  I think of scripture verses like Luke 11:9, James 1:5, Psalm 84:11, Matthew 17:20, etc. that promise answered prayers, reward for faith, good things for those following after Him.  These passages make me doubt that my faith is where it needs to be; they make me wonder if I’m falling much too far short in my attempts to serve the Lord, and that He is not answering (or I’m not hearing) because of it.  I think it is impossible to escape the necessity of faith in seeing God move in a life or situation…but where does the line get drawn between my responsibility and God’s?

Then there’s  another part of me that thinks maybe I just need to believe that the unanswered prayers, the clouded vision, the spinning wheels are really God’s way of refining me…of somehow narrowing my view of what He should be doing in my life to only include this moment, of removing the extraneous “felt needs” and attempting to convince me that – whether I like it or not – He is truly enough, of disciplining me in some painful ways so that, later on, the harvest will be greater.  Hebrews 12 and Matthew 6:25-34  simultaneously give me hope that God has a purpose that He is working out in my life, and frustrate me because I’m left wondering what, exactly, I can have faith for in daily life.

And still, there’s this last part that wonders if it is all just a part of living in a fallen world.  In John 16:33, Jesus promises that we will have trouble.  In Philippians 4, Paul talks about contentment in every circumstance.  Clearly, life can’t be perfect this side of heaven, and while I sometimes tend to think the “troubles” I encounter should all have a deep spiritual meaning, maybe there are times when it really is just life…maybe God’s sovereignty, while not limited, still allows for my life to be touched by the reality that sin – mine and others –  isn’t without temporal consequence.

I know these aren’t exhaustive thoughts.  I haven’t fully processed all that I really know / believe about this particular topic.  But, I know it isn’t a new struggle.  I know that I waver on what I believe about how God should be at work in my life.  It affects so much about how I view life, the future, my own walk with Christ, my trust in God and His love, and what expectations I should place on myself and Tim as we strive to follow the Lord.  Reality is probably some balance of all those things, and maybe more.  For now, though, I will try to just simplify it all to the belief that  “God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” – Romans 8:28.  Somehow, regardless of the “why” to my circumstances, I have this promise that it will all result in good for me.  It’s not an easy lesson, but hopefully, I will learn it eventually.