Life often doesn’t make sense to me.  I find myself confused and frustrated and hurt.  I want to be seen and heard and understood.  Sometimes I try to write about it. Most times I fail miserably.  The truth is, as much as I want others to know my heart, what I need is to know God’s heart.  As much as I want to be loved by others, what I need is to acknowledge that God’s love for me is enough.

Several weeks ago, as I struggled to see anything good about myself, I told God that I hate who He made me.  His rather stern and emphatic response was “I love who I made you”.

As I have gone through my days since then, those words have been resonating in my heart, mostly because of how often I question if He really does, or how He possibly could…but sometimes, too, because it seems like the person God made me isn’t good enough for others.  Sometimes it seems like “fearfully and wonderfully made” has to come in a certain form to be believed, and I don’t fit that form.  And I wonder if God didn’t mean that part of me when He gave me His response…if I need to change to fit the form.  Or did He know this is who I would be when He formed me in the womb?  And when I told Him I hate who He made me, did He know that this was one of the reasons why, yet still told me He loved my form?

I wrestle with these questions often, but especially on days when it is made clear that love from others depends on me changing.  And my soul is in turmoil, and my mind questions, and my heart breaks.  And all I hear Him say is “I love you.”

Maybe some day I will realize the sufficiency of that truth, but right now I wish it didn’t have to be enough.