Before I post anything I have written, it has likely had hundreds of words deleted or changed or moved.  Sometimes the whole thing has been completely thrown out a few times before I decide it’s okay.  Most times, I never hit the “publish” button.  It’s not really because I am a perfectionist in my writing.  It’s because I have a hard time figuring out how to say what’s on my mind and heart.  Nevertheless, this is how I prefer to communicate because there’s no pressure to think quickly, or to sound intelligible the first time I try to express something.  Writing is safe.

Unfortunately for me, speaking does not come with the same luxury of being able to edit and delete, of being able to think long about what I want to say before actually saying it.  I don’t put thoughts together quickly, but most times, conversation does not come with a lot of time to sit in silence, formulating cohesive sentences.  This makes me nervous about social interaction, which only serves to slow my brain functioning and perpetuate my problem with speaking intelligibly.

I struggle with how I am supposed to manage this aspect of my nature.  It is easy for me to say it’s just who I am – and it honestly is…even when I put my best effort into conversation, I can’t make my thoughts come any faster so that I seem more engaged.

But it is also fear that ties my tongue and clouds my thoughts.

It is easy for me to think that there should be some middle ground, some leeway from others; that, somehow, people should recognize how difficult interactions can be for me, and maybe be a little bit more persistent in attempts at conversation…and, really, showing love to somebody should, in some measure, be about meeting them where they are.

But there is also a pride and selfishness that make it about me, and not about the other person…a refusal to die to self that makes me stubbornly dig in my heels and want to force “right” behavior from others when my own heart is no better.

It’s easy for me to ask God to change me – to make me eloquent, or gregarious, or able to think just a little bit faster – so that I don’t make a fool of myself when I speak…and it is okay to expect God to give me words when it will bring Him glory.

But, often, my desire to change is to bring me “glory” in some manner – that I could feel loved or accepted or esteemed – and really has no honorable intentions behind it.

More than anything, I feel like God is pounding it into my head and heart that my focus is off.  If my eyes were set on Him, I wouldn’t have fear.  I wouldn’t care how others were treating me.  It wouldn’t matter if people saw me as a blathering idiot or as an engaging conversationalist.  It’s a painful lesson, though.  I hope I learn it soon.