It might seem that I wear my heart on my sleeve.  I try to be honest in my writing…and I write about my heart a lot.  I’m not good at maintaining my composure in difficult conversations.  I turn beet red if I am even a little bit embarrassed or nervous.  I cry very easily.

But, I’ve realized, there are things I tend to keep very guarded.  As backwards as it might seem, sharing my struggles, my failings, my questions, my criticisms and my fears is much easier than sharing my joys, my victories, my hopes, my appreciation, and my interests.  Somehow, letting others see the “shallow” side of me makes me feel vulnerable.  It is easier for me to have a really serious discussion about the condition of my heart than to tell someone that I like to dance around my living room to old DC Talk songs.  Just writing that makes me uncomfortable.

I worry that who I am apart from my sin nature will be judged, if that makes any sense.  I’m not so concerned with how people will view my sin and weakness and frustration, because I find it unlikely that I could be perceived worse by someone else than I see myself.  But when I like something, or am encouraged by something, or see God working in something, I’m afraid that it will be devalued by others…that I will be ridiculed or made to feel stupid for finding enjoyment or importance in something that doesn’t matter to anyone else.

I don’t often offer encouragement or thanks, in part, because it means letting a person see what I value and that scares me.  I don’t really know why this is.  I’m sure it is not the best way to be, and I do try to not let it always dictate my behavior.  But, if I come across as only ever focusing on “deep” things, or negative things, or struggles…this is at least part of the reason why.  I hope it doesn’t seem like it is the whole of who I am.