There are song lyrics going through my head this week. Words reminding me that all of my aspirations, all that I hope to ever be, all that I measure myself against, should be wrapped up in Him.
My heart wrestles with that truth, and hurts even, when considering what it means. I am prone to wanting to be acceptable to others, to wanting to change myself to be like someone else, because a part of me is convinced that who I am will never be acceptable, or good enough, unless my life meets someone else’s standards. I make things necessary that aren’t necessary, and I put words in God’s mouth about who He wants me to be, forgetting that who He wants me to be is not someone else, but me, just walking closer to Him.
On the flip side, there is this stubborn, selfish, wanting-to-be-right, not-wanting-to-be-vulnerable part of me that doesn’t want to love people when people don’t love me. I try to persuade God that they just.don’t.deserve.it, and I cringe when He reminds me that I don’t either. I know that it’s an argument I can’t win, but – and likely it’s because this is even an issue to begin with – I feel like something is being ripped out of my heart every time it comes up. It reminds me of how very much not-like-Jesus I am, and how desperately I need to get my heart in line with His, and learn to love what He loves, and continually lift my eyes above my circumstances to see only Him.
And then there are other song lyrics going through my head. These words reminding me to let God speak to my heart, to remember His Word, His promises, His faithfulness. Because when faced with the reality of how far I am from perfect, it’s easy to tell myself things about what God thinks of me, or what others think of me, or what I think of me that, at best, shouldn’t matter to me, and at worst, are lies that rob life and joy and peace, and cause me to forget to listen for His voice when I most need to hear it.
I’m thankful for reminders to keep my perspective right, to remember the one thing that needs to matter above all else. He is faithful to me.