I’m used to waking up with worship lyrics going through my head.  The last few days there’s been nothing, though.  I’ve tried throughout the days to focus my heart and really worship, but with few exceptions, it has seemed an exercise in futility.

I think the truth is that I don’t want to let myself trust God right now.  ‘Cause what if He fails me?  I couldn’t handle that.  As much as being disappointed by other people hurts, at the end of the day, I do know that I’ll eventually get over it.  But if God somehow ended up being anything other than I know Him to be, I would be done.  Devastated beyond hope.

So, I’ve been keeping Him at arms length – subconsciously, I think.  I purpose to not hope that He will prove to be the amazing, good, faithful God that He keeps insisting that He is.  I’ve hesitated to run to Him with all of this hurt and all of this fear because I don’t want to be vulnerable.  Not on purpose necessarily…it’s just my natural defense mechanism.

But when I turned on worship music this afternoon, my heart melted.  As afraid as I am that God might let me down, I need Him right now.  I need Him always.  This life is impossible if I’m not purposely entering into His presence.  Even though a part of me wants to be skeptical, there remains a certainty anchoring my soul that He is everything that I need Him to be, and that He loves me.  And I love Him – as scary as that is to me sometimes – I love Him more than life.