Bethany is 16 today.  As scary as the thought of her getting behind the wheel is to me (she’s been looking forward to the prospect of this for years), it is honestly not as scary as I thought it would be even a year ago.  I am actually a little stunned by how much Bethany has matured over the past year.  She has become my most diligent child in many aspects of chores and schoolwork.  I never dreamed I would be able to say that – my butterfly-chasing, dirt-throwing, day-dreaming little girl has become focused and organized and extremely capable.

She has invested more time and energy into hobbies that she loves – caring for her chickens, baking cakes and pastries, making chocolates, and learning to make jewelry out of polymer clay.  She is still a voracious reader, and will happily find a corner to curl up in any chance she gets.

Bethany isn’t often our most compassionate child, but she has demonstrated more thoughtfulness and sensitivity in the face of difficult moments lately.  Interestingly to me – in part because Bethany has struggled in the past to even manage her own chores well – the primary way she seems to show this compassion is by serving.  She will volunteer to make dinner, or start picking up around the house, or take charge of her younger siblings much more readily than she will give a hug or offer words of sympathy or encouragement.  It has truly been a such a blessing to me to see this response in her when someone (often me) is having a hard day or season.

There is so much about Bethany that is lovely and wonderful.  And seeing the young woman she is, and is becoming, is a testimony to me of God’s faithfulness.  Throughout her life, I have felt the most incapable of teaching, helping, and molding Bethany into all God wants her to be, and indeed, even now, I am still convinced of my ineptitude.  But God has worked in her life nonetheless.  She is strong and confident and smart and creative and beautiful.  I am so thankful for the gift that she is and for chance to celebrate her sixteen years today.

You took your last breath on March 2, 2022, at 2:00 in the morning.  Geesh, even writing that makes me start crying. I wish I had been there.  I know you understand that I wasn’t – you went from stable to rapidly declining over the course of just a day – but I somehow feel like I should have been there to hold your hand and pray for you one last time.

I am thankful, though, for those few days in October when I got to see you, knowing the end might be around the corner.  I made sure to tell you the things that I thought were important,  I reminded you of God’s love for you, and that Jesus made a way for you to be with Him, I played you some of your favorite songs – and some of mine, and even though you forgot I was there just days later, you told me at the time that it was the “best visit ever”.

Still, if you were here, there are more things I would want to say to you.  I told you I was thankful that you are my dad, but there a lot of reasons why I’m thankful that I wish I had told you.

I’m thankful for the bike rides to Lake George, and stopping for ice cream on the way home.

I’m thankful that you taught me to throw and catch a football, and often asked if I wanted to play catch in the yard.

I’m thankful that you encouraged me to run around in the rain and play in puddles.

I’m thankful for the many times we would race in the yard.

I’m thankful that you played with us at the beach.

I’m thankful for the shared large sodas from Cumberland Farms when we would pick Mom up from the bus stop on her way home from work.

I’m thankful for your excitement on Christmas mornings.

I’m thankful that you always came to every night of our drama club performances.

I’m thankful that you and Mom helped pay for my trip to Guyana, even though you didn’t want me so far away for a month.

I’m thankful that you loved me enough to recognize the good husband I have in Tim, not just in spite of, but BECAUSE of his willingness to stand up to you when you spoke hurtful words in anger to me.

I’m thankful for you both comforting and scolding me when I was upset about a 97 on a test.

I’m thankful for you driving 11 hours each way to bring Jill and me home from college for Thanksgiving…which was a total of 44 hours driving in 5 days.

I’m thankful for you and Mom driving 12 hours at a moment’s notice when I had my second miscarriage, to comfort me.

I’m thankful that you came to my track meets and hung around just to watch a couple minutes of me jumping, or throwing, or running.

I’m thankful for family hikes that you always initiated.

I’m thankful for the long drives through back roads and beautiful scenery.

I’m thankful for your love of music, and all the music I know now…classic rock and early contemporary christian music…just because of you.

I’m thankful for the campaign signs you made for me during my one and only attempt at running for student government in 6th grade.

I’m so thankful, strange though you may think it, for you telling me “do as I say, not as I do”.  I know you meant it.  And I know how much you wanted to be “better” than you were, and how discouraging it can be to always feel like you’re falling short.

I’m thankful for you going out of your way to get me a meat-lovers pizza when I was pregnant with Caedmon.  And for making a special trip to the store to get me medicine for my headaches.

I’m thankful for the time you brought me a whopper for lunch while I was at work, and sat waiting for me for an hour because that was the one day I couldn’t take lunch at my normal time and I couldn’t even let you know, but you stayed and weren’t at all upset that I was late.

I’m thankful that, even though you rarely said it first, every time I told you I loved you, you said it back.

I’m thankful for the “Good morning” texts you sent every day for a few months, before you forgot how to send texts.

I’m thankful for the $10 you had Mom send me for my birthday last year.  It meant so much to me, even though I’m sure you thought it was too small.  I bought myself a Martha’s ice cream cone, with toasted coconut sprinkles, in honor of our many trips there.

I’m thankful for family spelling bees, and “dog-pile on Daddy”, and the times you had us kids try to hold you down, and the times you did arm curls with us holding onto your arms.

I’m thankful for the times I was angry, and you made me stand in front of you while you tried to make me laugh (which almost always worked).

I’m thankful for the times you would randomly bring home burgers or subs or pizza for dinner.

I’m thankful for the teddy bear that you insisted on getting me for Christmas, because you were getting Jill one, and you thought I should have one, too.

I’m thankful for memories of you kicking all our butts at Jeopardy, or Trivial Pursuit, or Axis and Allies.  You were an intelligent man, and I don’t think I ever told you that I thought so.

I’m thankful for the times you prayed for me.

I’m thankful that you always taught us that Jesus was our standard.

I’m thankful for the sacrifice you made being a stay-at-home dad.  I didn’t realize all that meant as a kid, but I know now how hard that can be, and you were kind of taken for granted.

I’m thankful for Alice Cooper blaring loudly out the windows when we would get home from the last day of school.

I’m thankful for impromptu trips to the Great Escape, always your idea.

I’m thankful you taught us about baseball stats, and all the different players (in the 80’s…I have no clue about any of the players now, haha).

I’m thankful that, though you often reacted harshly to things, you also almost always thought through things afterwards and softened your stance.

I’m thankful that I always knew you loved me and I always knew you’d be there for me when I needed you.

There’s probably a lot more I could say to you, things I’ll think of over the coming days, weeks, months, and years.  I wish we’d had more time, and I’m sure I will always miss you, but I believe your faith was sincere and I will see you again in glory.  I love you, Daddy.