A little more than six years ago, a group of pastors and elders decided to kick us out of our church.  There was no biblical sin offense, and they would later tell our new pastor that they had no sin offense against us, that we just didn’t “fit” their “culture”.

It was an earth-shattering experience for us that left us with a lot of pieces of life to try to put back together, and while we have come to be grateful to not be a part of that church anymore, in my many months of searching scripture about forgiveness, I came to the conclusion that God does not ask, much less require, us to forgive an unrepentant Christian.  And believe me, I KNOW, this is not at all the popular “Christian” view on the matter, but the full counsel of scripture, to my mind, makes this clear.  Jesus himself said in Luke 17:3 “Take heed to yourselves.  If your brother sins against you, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him.” (emphasis mine).  Even the Lord’s prayer, that is so often referenced when someone states we have to forgive everyone, asks God to “forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us”  and while we obviously don’t want to be disqualified from God’s forgiveness, since when does God forgive us without repentance?  Does He expect us to offer a more far-reaching forgiveness than He offers?  On the contrary, I John 1:9 says “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins…”.

There is also absolutely nothing in the Bible about forgiveness bringing freedom to the person doing the forgiving, nor in general about forgiving someone for our own sake, as are popular opinions on the topic.  I’ve concluded that the concept of what forgiveness even is can vary widely, and that, often, it is misunderstood as not allowing oneself to be bitter or resentful – which would be a sinful response to an offense, not unforgiveness.  Needless to say, I have felt that those church leaders six years ago sinned against me and my family in a number of ways, and as there has never been repentance, I have not forgiven them…as in, I believe they are walking in sin, and will be judged by God one day for the sin they have not confessed as sin.  As I have had basically no contact with any of those men these six years, I haven’t really had to figure out how that gets walked out; the biblical example given for an unrepentant brother says “with such a one, do not even eat”, which, while helpful for understanding that there is to be no relationship, is not helpful for how to respond to a passing interaction.

So, today, when I happened to be in the same place as one of those men, and despite me desperately trying to keep my back to him, he said “Hi, Lori.  How are you?”, I just said a tight-lipped “Fine,” and turned away.  In truth, had I been a more confrontational sort of person, I’ve imagined that if ever such a situation arose, I would like to give him a piece of my mind, telling him he had no business speaking to me, much less, asking how I was.  But as it was, he did not make any further attempt at interaction, and I tried my best to ignore it.

After the fact, I thought that maybe I would write a post about why my response was justified, why the fake pleasantries of such an interaction are distasteful and dishonest, even about how it is important to me that my kids (one of whom was with me at the time) don’t ever have the opportunity to misinterpret the intentions of such people, who had knowingly and persistently hurt our family.  But as I got on the treadmill this afternoon – honestly intending to listen to some music that would remind me of the grace God showed us in bringing us out of a bad church situation – my mp3 player had just started the song “The Walk” by Steven Curtis Chapman.  Toward the end of the song, there is a refrain based on Micah 6:8 that repeats “do justly, love mercy, walk humbly with your God” over and over again.  And as I was listening to that, the words “love mercy” pierced my conscience.  Love mercy.  Love MERCY.  See, the interesting thing about mercy is that it is all about not giving someone the punishment they deserve – acknowledging a sin, an offense, a hurt as warranting a negative consequence, but choosing to show kindness instead.

The Holy Spirit convicted me of my own lack of mercy, and I pushed back, trying to justify that choice, but the realization I came to was that God shows each of us mercy every day of our lives, regardless of our standing with Him.  Our sin doesn’t just earn us a cold shoulder or a heated rebuke from the offended, but death.  And yet here we are.  God tarries in punishing us to see if we might, in time, choose repentance, forgiveness, eternal life.  And His word makes it clear that it is His kindness that leads us to repentance.  In our unrepentance, He is kind to us.  While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.  His kindness doesn’t mean forgiveness.  One day, every sin will be accounted for.  My hurt and offense, and very strong belief that judgment awaits those walking in unrepentant sin, doesn’t give me the right to be unkind.  I am not the judge.  I am not the One who has the responsibility to mete out justice, now or ever.  My responsibility is to LOVE MERCY.  God help me to love mercy.

                 He has shown you, O man, what is      good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God? — Micah 6:8

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t beat myself up about my size.

I weigh somewhere around 205 pounds, give or a take a couple pounds depending on the day.  Go ahead…gasp, cringe, shake your head.  It’s a high number, and I know it.  And I don’t have any interest in pushing the “big is beautiful” notion that seems to lately be circulating through our society.  I definitely know that I am not at my healthiest (or most beautiful) size.

I considered only vaguely referencing my weight, but I thought it was important to not be vague, for a couple of reasons.  First, so that I can say that while 205 pounds is more than I should weigh, a healthy weight for me is still 160-170 pounds, a weight at which many people would still cringe, and at which the supposed standard of a healthy weight, the BMI, still considers me overweight.  This tall, big-boned, big-muscled frame of mine just won’t ever be the petite, size 2 ideal to which many people compare themselves.  The second reason I mention my weight is so that when I say that I can still slow-jog 2-3 miles, I can still do ten real push-ups (as opposed to modified, or “girl”, push-ups), and I can still give my 100 pound 12-year old a piggy back ride up the stairs, I can also (hopefully) assert that being capable of these tasks at 200-plus pounds demonstrates a level of fitness that, while not exemplary, is also not laughable.

So, what’s the point?  Why am I writing this at all?  I guess, for starters, it’s because there’s a lot more nuance to a person’s weight than whether they eat too much, or exercise too little.  It’s because of the frustration I’ve faced in trying to reach some ideal weight, but realizing just how much stress, and poor sleep, and who-knows-how-many unknown health factors can thwart even my best efforts.  It’s because of the feeling of failure when I know I’ve eaten more than I should, or am too tired to exercise, or can’t exercise because of old injuries that seem to resurface with too much regularity.  And it’s because in the face of all of these reasons and excuses and discouragements, more and more, God seems to be challenging me to see things differently.

There are aspects of weight issues that are also sin issues.  Overeating, laziness, even inordinate stress responses can be displeasing to God.  But there are also contributing factors to weight issues that are not sin – injuries, hormone imbalances, insomnia, and grief, to name a few.  What I’m becoming even more aware of recently, though, is that there are also aspects of maintaining a “healthy” weight that can also be sinful.  Anytime we idealize something, it can slip into idolatry if we’re not careful.  Likewise, I don’t think that eating and exercise should be topics that consume large chunks of our time.  God’s concern for our attitudes and actions is far greater than His concern for our outward appearance.  While there was a time (in college) that I exercised extensively and significantly restricted my diet, the time and effort that would take away from my family and other responsibilities now would be poor stewardship on my part.

There’s meant to be a balance, I guess.  I believe it matters to God that we are healthy and physically strong enough to fulfill whatever He has called us to do, but I don’t think that is something that a number on a scale, or a size on a pair of pants can appropriately reflect.  And if we achieve our weight or size goals, but miss the more important work of life, I think God is grieved.  Even more, if we are setting those weight and size goals because of what the world says is healthy or beautiful, then it can become so easy to miss out on the truth that God created each one of us on purpose, in His image, to reflect His glory.  Sin can mar that, certainly, but it isn’t sin that makes my calf muscles huge or my hair gray or my torso long.  Those were God’s choices in the unique design He had for me.  I may not always think they were good choices, but since I’m not God, I have to conclude that I’m wrong and He didn’t make a mistake when He made me.

And as much as I might get bothered by my failings, it is so important to also recognize that there is grace to cover my failings – not to excuse them, but to acknowledge that there’s a reason I need Jesus.  I’m not going to ever be able to get everything right.  And that puts me in the same boat as everybody else, size 2 jeans or not.

The day has finally come.  Caedmon is eighteen today.  While I might feel at times like this fact is going to stop the world from spinning, there is too much to celebrate about these eighteen years for me to be overwhelmed with sadness.

I am beyond proud of the young man Caedmon is.  His strength of character shines through with every new challenge that he faces.  He does hard things.  He listens to correction and takes it to heart, sometimes pushing back, sometimes asking questions, but never dismissive, never too prideful to re-evaluate his position on a matter.  His faith and Biblical foundation are solid and haven’t wavered even in the face of frustration and disappointment.

He is a phenomenal big brother.  He chooses to play games with his littlest brother.  When a younger sibling starts a conversation with him, he listens and engages rather than ignoring or walking away.  He laughs at jokes, helps with school, and even acquiesces to snuggling with a little sister on occasion.

He began a part-time job this past fall and, as an employee, he has been faithful, diligent, hard-working and proactive.  He takes his responsibilities seriously and has begun learning about juggling work and school schedules, and prioritizing his time appropriately.

He still has a deep love for music…and Lego…and writing.  He has grown to have much greater interest in history, government and law.  While his dream job of Lego designer might not be something he can bank on, he has skills and interests that I’m confident will make him successful in whatever path he takes in life.  He doesn’t have a plan mapped out, so he’s learning even more to seek the Lord for his future, and to wait with confidence and peace.

I know that my days with him at home are numbered, and I will treasure every one.  Caedmon is a gift, more valuable than words can say, and truly one of my very best friends.  I am so privileged to call him my son.